Dream On Fire

(43) This time it became a dream/ Afraid to feel?

Today I have something quite long for you. That's the reason it has this "double title" I hope... you get both things.

I had the best dream ever!!!

In my dream I met and talked to people or more like some specific persons which I'm a fan of... you can already guess who they were but it actually was a nice dream. Not saying that I would have expected a bad dream but I meant that usually you dream of ending up with them as something...
Just like those YouTube videos of Imagine (name) as your... (whatever you want) and you'll find so many!

For me the thing of above is not a bad dream nor a real one.
So that's why I called this one a real and good dream. Just specifically because I had the dream of my artist and me being just best friends but not really. I was more of a just met person and they were their own group of best friends and I liked that. Instead of breaking it apart by being part of it, I just watched it from afar and smiled at how cute, or funny they were being.

My brother then just suddenly came into my room and woke me up by all the notices he was making so when I looked up from the blankets he almost freaked out because he thought I wasn't in the house. And don't worry I already know what he was doing in my room... which is something I hate!

He every once in awhile comes to my room to shave in my bathroom because my faucet has better pressure than his but honestly... he splatters water all over the counter and I hate it! All my bottles for face soaps and hand creams or face creams are soaking wet in the bottom. The big problem being that some bottles open from the bottom soooo... it's all soaked!

After almost giving a heart attack to my brother I started to think back about my not so crazy but yet imposible dream and started to think about the good story it would be to tell my friends for tomorrow at lunch or break time.

Something you might not know about me is that I am a slightly control freak over somethings in my life but not intentionally... well sometimes. For example my way of organizing my conversations and jokes a previous day. I don't intentionally look for jokes and just learn them by memory but my brain sort of automatically looks for a way of organizing a good conversation for another day with friends.

My only guess to why my brain does this I that maybe because I used to be a "sit alone" child when younger then maybe my brain didn't have to think of what to say all the time but now that it does it might not know how to... sort of just leave in the moment? I guess?

It's weird when I think about it, like really weird but in a way it made sense. I didn't have friends so no talky, I have friends so a lot of talky. By the way, don't think I was this weird kid who didn't have friends, I mean, I did but only until I was around 8 to nine year of age did I actually sit down with a friend and talk with them about my worries, my life, and just my feelings. Before that I liked much more the idea of keeping things to myself and I actually didn't mind doing that. I know some people think it is bad to keep things to yourself but I honestly liked it.

Walking around the school looking at all the kids playing, seeing how some where fighting over dumb rules, some girls being all love-dovey (it's an expression like saying cheesy) behind guys which were supposed to be handsome... yeah not sure about that last part but well whatever it was their opinion. I also got to see how trees changed their leaves color my favorite time was when the leaves where orange almost brown or chestnut likeish colors. I started to appreciate things other kids considered boring such as how beautiful a cochineal (small insect that curves into a ball as protection) would curl up and sometimes just leave small antenas out and (in my opinion) it looked sooo cute! My favorite ones where the baby ones since those where not black but a brown darkish color that with the light looked almost transparent. Now don't think I like insects cause, I don't I hate the majority but this was just a weird case where I just liked the small bugs company (only that specific bug by the way) they were so harmless and small (smaller than your pinky's finger nail).
When young and even now I've always feared or had anxiety when a bug touched me, aside from this bug, all bugs were a huge no no to the touching list. Whenever I saw a spider I got as further away as I could, when I saw ants I would just make sure they were never red or half red and half black since I was afraid of them bitting me, when I saw any king of worm no matter if ground worm or rain worm or fluffy looking worm I'd stay as far away from it as possible. Even butterflies have me anxiety, I like them, I think they are beautiful the way they fly, their colors and all but I can't stand them being on top of me. Once a butterfly just layer on my finger and I was freaking out. My mom wanted to take a picture of it so I stayed as calm as I could but then it started to move and I freaked out and waved my hand of those hairy legs and body.

As you can see I was this weird child (still am) and for the same reason I suppose I "pre-organize" whatever I'll talk about with friends on the upcoming days of the week.

When thinking back at today's dream I think of me talking in the eating table with my friends in our usual place and talking dramatically about the dream (aka: not really saying everything as it was but a little/a lot more exaggerated).
I imagine myself talking about how I was in a dream with my favorite group and then when I was talking to my favorite member but just when I mentioned my favorite member I just omitted his name and said it as me dreaming of a "he" which doesn't make sense at all as I explain it but in my brain it did. For a fraction of a second, at least.

Then that's where my dream turned into a daydream.

I started thinking of you coming to sit next to me and casually asking if I was talking about you. Of course as you can imagine you were the confident guy in my daydream and I was the tomato face girl that just kept on blabbering trying to find something reasonable to say about my actual dream. Why? Because as most teenagers do one day or maybe never, we've researched about how to- (something with crush) like: "how to know if your crush likes you" sort of videos.
And something my brain will automatically remember is "never mention other guys in front of your crush". Ok, easy, unless you had that situation just like my daydream.
As you can imagine my brain is going crazy and blah blah blah. But then my daydream stops.

Hold on!

This is SO UNREALISTIC! Why did I even daydream about something like that?

First of all for the few things I know you, you wouldn't or at least have never approached my that way so I give that a no.

Second (as far as I know you "barely") I'd say you wouldn't barge into peoples conversations without being invited.

And third... would you sit in a table with people from a generation you don't know and talk directly to me ignoring them while they are probably going crazy over the fact that they know that their friend (ME) has a crush on the guy that just sat down (YOU) so they will most probably and most certainly start bothering over the whole crush thingy... specially a friend that I know since four years ago.

You probably know who that person is but if not I'll just tell you she is not from our same nationality she is from the other side of the world (literally).

I have this really strong bond with her since we met when I was really young and starting to trust people (but still being after my first actual friend). The only bad thing is that shes going to back to her main home (aka: her actual country) and I feel like even though I have extremarle good friends that I can count on for telling secrets I still feel to connected to the certain person that has actually seen me like no one else, shes seen me broken, shes seen me grow actually we've grown together, she's been there when I felt alone. He busted my energy when I felt like I didn't belong in this world, when I felt like a failure, like an obstacle or just a bother to people. She made me happy when I felt like I dissected nothing. And I'm not talking of when I had my weight problems but my personality problems which was way before that even happened.

She's been through so many things with me that now I'm honestly not sure how I will react... I've lost close friends in the past. I started having friends but had a harder time opening to things I actually was hurting about. Then I opened to this current person.

I'm afraid of my own emotions.

Will I cry?

Will I have a straight face on?

Will I Shoen myself as vulnerable in front of people when we say our last goodbyes?

Dear crush,
Today was a lot of information. I know I do talk a lot. Sorry if I bored you at the end.

Hey... if I ever messaged you that day sad... will you accept my broken self? If I asked you for help... can you help me? Will you help me?
I've been taken advantage of in the past... please... if I come to you broken in peaces... please... built me up again.
Or just listen to me... you don't have to answer me... let me just get it out of my chest.

Sincerely,

Your crush who's afraid of feeling to few and feeling too much at the same time.