Dream On Fire

(52) Skinny girls...

I don't want to speak up... let me just stay quiet and let my brain solve this alone... in the past i had been able to. Or that's what I thought.

You remember that party I was telling you about? Well I went with a friend to buy the dress and we were trying so many dresses but I couldn't help but to hate each and everyone of them.

I... I felt so fat...
I felt so disgusting...
I was trying to look for dresses with long sleeves cause I didn't want to see my big fat chest and my big jiggly arms...

My friend has a beautiful body... she is skinny and pretty... she told me I looked beautiful too... but I never saw the girl she saw...

At the starting of this school year I told my best friend from my childhood to take care of me and my not so nice brain... she promised me that she would help me so I never went to bad steps and I promised to her I wouldn't even consider it...

But I've broken my promise...
Lately I've considered more and more to stop eating a breakfast or just a meal a day...
I've stop asking for my mom to give me lunch for school I do feel hungry but... I don't know what to do... I felt like I was loosing weight so fast but when I saw myself besides my friend I remembered how skinny I used to be and I felt disgusted with how I look now...

Huge thighs...
Huge arms...
Huge stomach that no matter how many abs exercises I do it's still not enough...

Today is Monday and my friend and I went shopping on Sunday evening...
Since then I haven't been able to take that image of my head... I feel so disgusted I don't want to see myself in the mirror anymore...

Early in the morning I was talking to some friends trying to act natural but I was slightly sassier than usual and a friend noticed... he asked if everything was okay... and I was able to pull it of and just make it seem as a "mistake" to how I spoke...

Later through the day my friend (that has a boyfriend) asked if I was okay too... and I just wanted to say that I'm not... that I feel so disgusted with my own reflection... but I can't say it...

She won't understand...

No one will...

None of my friends will... they are so skinny and pretty... they don't know how it feels to be disgusted by your own reflection do they?

It's so funny and sad how I can cry and make my voice sound so normal... puffy eyes, runny nose... tears welling up...
I'm honestly shaking...
But my voice is as natural as ever. As I am writing this I am crying...
and I heard my mom coming upstairs... I calmed down (slightly) and was able to talk to her through the locked door... she probably has no idea I'm crying while writing...

*jaja, I guess I should be an actress*

Do you know how it feels to hate yourself?

That feeling of just wanting to stop the time at a certain age where you were the most happy?

Do you know how it's like to be afraid of not being enough?

I AM afraid of not being enough... not being enough for my friends... not being enough for my family... not being enough for you...

People can say so much things like:
You should love yourself,
You are beautiful,
Don't care about what other people say...

But...
The problem is... I don't know how to stop my brain from doing so... I can block my ears from listening to other people, but not from listening to myself...
I am my biggest and worst bully in this entire world and I don't know how to stop those thoughts...

I just don't find myself pretty...

Actually I find myself NO WHERE near pretty!

I hate pictures because I never look good in them... I hate short sleeve dresses because I can see my huge disgusting arms... I hate to have a mirror because I am disgusted with my sight...

I am scared...

I am scared to go to the party...

Don't get me wrong I love parties but...

You will be there... and I will be there... in a dress... showing you the most disgusting part of myself... my whole self to be specific...

I am afraid to see you there...

I want to see you... I'd love to dance with you... I'd love to just be with you... but just not this: me... I would like, if that was posible, to show you the perfect version of me...

No one's perfect...
But I'm not even average...
I'm not enough...
I'm just this mass of skin that barely fits in her old dresses anymore...

Why can't I be like normal girls?

To have no hormonal problems... to love herself...

Why can't I shop with a friend without almost breaking in tears?

Why can't I even talk?

I guess... the answer to that is that... I'm simply not good enough to even speak...