Caramel Popcorn

Tomato 03/22/19

Dear Tomato Mafia,

This past week has been weird. I guess I'm finally shutting down. I wake up screaming from nightmares and I can't function like I used to. Even eating is a chore. Carmen has taken the job of making sure I eat and drink and all that; something I wish she didn't have to do since she has enough on her plate.

I wish I could force myself to do these things, but every time I do I end up vomiting or becoming sick. I don't want the kids to see me like this. I feel weak and pathetic.

I set the worn book down and lay back on Carmen's bed. She forced me to sleep here ever since the terrors started. That way she can wake me up quicker and calm me down. I look around the dimly lit room and smile a little. It's so neat and clean that you wouldn't think someone even sleeps here. Carmen comes in the room with a sandwich cut in half. She sits on the bed next to me and waits for me to sit up before handing me a slice. "Eat it slowly."

I set the ten-minute timer and start eating. Eating is so hard that I have to set a timer to pace myself and an alarm to remind myself. I haven't been to school all week, but she brings me back my work and turns it in for me. I feel so useless. "Thank you."

She nods and sits back against the wall. "Nina is worried. I tried to tell her that you're grieving, but she begs me to let her come see you."

"Why don't you let her? I'm right here," I take a small bite, trying not to gag.

"I don't want her to see you like this. You've lost so much weight, Carson. I'm sorry, but you look terrible," she isn't wrong. None of my clothes fit anymore. "If you need therapy I can set something up. I told you this. I just want you better."

I nod. "I think I'll try it. I'll go Monday."

She sighs, finishing her half of the sandwich. "C'mere." She holds her arms out to me. I move closer and curl into her side, still eating small bites. We haven't talked about titles or anything, but we have been touching a lot more since Mom died. I'm glad for the small comfort. "You need a shower, girl."

I laugh, "I know. After I eat."

She lets me finish before helping me to the bathroom. I start the water as she leaves and undress, cringing at my boney figure. I used to be healthy and curvy. God I need that back. I'm gonna get better.