Prego and the Phoenix 🐇↩️✔

Arabella - Twenty-Nine

Babies are great. They bring people together; even those that you think would never come together. It brings joy and happiness to the mother and everyone around. So why do I feel so alone?

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I am surprised at how much Phoenix has brought my family together. My father didn't care about the whole Trevor ordeal anymore and even my mother came to see the baby. She told me she was sorry about everything that happened and about not visiting me but that my dad and her would definitely do it now. They were a lot of congratulations and happiness but I just couldn't be happy. The love of my life is gone and now I am left with no one. Sure my parents and Alexis will help me but that doesn't help me in the fact of love. Bourne was the one for me...
Phoenix squirms in my arms and I look down at him as he looks up. I sigh but brush his downy hair, feeling the comfort from looking at my son. If nothing else, he will give me the courage to move on with my life and to love every bit of it. Bourne sacrificed for me and for Phoenix and to hell with Trevor! If my son ever asks about his father, the only one who will ever be mentioned will be Bourne.
On my third day of stay at the hospital, I am playing with Phoenix in my lap, moving his feet and bonding when a knock startles me. I look up and find Lochner looking at me, bemused.
"Is this a bad time?" he asks softly.
"No, of course not."
Lochner walks in and looks at Phoenix.
"What's his name?"
"Phoenix Connor Rickward... or Marquez, depending on who you ask." I say with a shrug.
"Ah..." He says softly. "I see..."
"Are you alright?"
"As much as I could be."
"What do you mean? Lochner, are you alright?"
"Humphrey's in a psych-ward... He went crazy."
I stop playing with Phoenix and stare at Lochner as he sits down in the chair beside the bed.
"What?" I ask in disbelief.
"He um... he really lost it. It was pretty bad..."
"Alexis told me everything but not about Humphrey! What happened?!"
"When he shot Bourne, he wasn't himself. When I killed Trevor, it severed the hold he had on Humphrey and when he saw what he had done, he just... he just lost it... I can't get the scream out of my head; that unearthly and horribly distraught scream. It was like nothing I had ever heard... And then Bourne just disintegrated into thin air like he was chaff on the wind. He just... he just broke away into the air... Humphrey couldn't take it and he cracked."
"I'm so sorry, Lochner."
He just nods and then looks at Phoenix and smiles sadly, putting his finger in one of his tiny hands. Phoenix latches onto it and Lochner wiggles his finger.
"He's more stable now but I can't see him anymore. If I go back, I'll go crazy too... I wish I could but it took everything to stay together for him and if I have to relive it like he does, then I will be with him. It's hard to know that you can never see your brother because he reminds you of an event so deep it will crumble you too."
I touch him softly on the head and he bursts into tears.

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I finally get out of the hospital and Lochner says he will help me with the baby. I thank him and ask why he can't live with Alexis. He says she is moving from that house into another one because there are too many memories to be had. Lochner says he just can't stay with Alexis anymore but will help her if she needs it. I try to convince him to stay with her but she says she doesn't mind because he reminds her of too much as well.
The first few months are hard and Lochner even has a few problems of his own in regards to his mind. He would wake up screaming and then wake Phoenix up so I have to put him back to sleep, he would space out a lot and I would have to put him back on track, but the worst was when he would get excited and he would turn to tell Humphrey, who wasn't there. Then he would burst into tears.
Finally, I got him to a psychiatrist and he finally got back into place. He was becoming a great male figure for Phoenix and Phoenix loved him with all he had. Sometimes I even think he loves him more than me. When Phoenix learned to crawl, he was there with him. Learning to walk, he helped me get him there by encouraging him to go to him. Every step of the way, he was there and Phoenix never went without love and attention.

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It was a year later that things got bad again. Phoenix was learning to talk and was babbling about everything. Pointing and murmuring nothings and things that babies do when they are talking. He could say 'mama' and 'baba' and blow kisses; the usual stuff. But then one day, out of the blue, he turned to Lochner and called him 'daddy'...

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"Daddy!" Phoenix says, his bright blue eyes happy and carefree.
I turn from the kitchen and drop the pot I am making dinner in. Lochner turns to me with wide eyes and then looks at Phoenix.
"N-no... No, I'm not daddy. I'm Lochner..."
"Loh-nah?"
"Yeah... yeah, Loh-nah is good too."
"Baba..." he says, making a motion to Lochner for his sippy cup.
Lochner gets it for him and then comes into kitchen where I am trying to clean up.
"I'm sorry, Arabella. I didn't know..."
"It's not your fault, Lochner. He's a smart little boy..."
"Are you holding up alright? It's been a year..." he asks, handing me my utensil.
I stand up. "It's hard but I am managing. I mean, you're with me so it's not like I don't have help."
"I meant with his death, Arabella. He's gone and you loved him dearly; don't you miss him?"
"Of course I do. I just don't want to cry in front of Phoenix..."
Lochner nods and then goes back to the living room with Phoenix. Truth is, is that I'm shaking every time I touch a dish at the pain in my heart. I remember days with him so many times that it's pathetic but anything to have that comfort is good enough for me. As I think though, I think also about Humphrey and how he is faring. I didn't want to bring it up in front of Phoenix or ask Lochner about it. He had made it very clear that he would go insane if I even mentioned his name. Whatever happened in that back-alley really effected Lochner and Humphrey and even though I wasn't walking on as many eggshells with Lochner, Humphrey is a whole other story. But I want to see him and make sure he's being treated correctly. I make it a plan to go and see him tomorrow morning, grabbing my phone and calling them.