Emotions // Billie Eilish - (on hold)

Chapter Thirteen

A few days later I'd been released from hospital, Billie had promised she would try her best to help me but she'd also told me if I didn't try she would be forced to get me professional help as she couldn't watch me get hurt. She loved me to much.

My normal eating 3 days a week i have 1 banana for breakfast or lunch, if I'm extremely hungry or if I'm going to be very busy and burn a lot of calories but normally I'll skip this then around 4pm if I've hit my targets I have 2 apples. That's it. I burn 400-500 calories a day through exercise, if I don't do that I don't eat. I run 4 miles a day and I do 50-100 sit ups every day minimum. i also starve 4 days a week.

We are still touring which makes things hard as the food we have available is unhealthy which makes it even harder to eat, the grease on the food makes me want to throw up.

It's been 3 hours since I was aloud to leave the hospital. It's now 9am and Billie is taking this seriously, it warms my heart to see her try so hard, I haven't been aloud to exercise so I have completed any calorie burning.

We sit around a table in the tour bus as we drive
Fin and their mum eating some form of wrap. Billie is eating some form of rice with stuff mixed in. In front of me sits a small child size portion of rice with some vegetables on the side. I haven't been able to touch it yet. Rice is a big trigger food to me, I always gain when I eat it, but i can't even force myself to pick up a vegetable.

I sit with my hands in my lap, shaking my legs. Maybe I can burn calories this way.

I glance around me and my eyes dance from person to person, looking away as I see them take a bite. It makes me feel sick. I feel like my throat is closing.
I close my eyes and take a deep breathe out.

I feel billies hand rest on my leg but I shake it off. I can't deal with it right now the weight of her hand reminds me of the amount of fat on my leg.

"Breathe lily.." I hear her say.

I open my eyes and glance a look at her before I decide I simply can't do this.

I get up and walk to the back of the bus, wanting to be alone. It's too much, I can't handle it.
A single tear escapes my eye and I quickly wipe it away.

I notice after a few moments billie walking back towards me with my food.

"I can't billie. I'm sorry I can't." I say as my voice cracks and shakes.
"Hey.. listen to me, I'm real, the voice? it isn't.." she says taking a seat next to me.
"Just have a few bites, when we arrive we can go for a short walk and it'll be like nothing happened." She continues.

she takes a bite of my food. She slowly scoops up another small fork of food and hands it to me. I hesitate before I take hold of the fork. My entire body is shaking.

The voices scream.
FAT. UGLY. THEY HATE YOU. YOU'LL WAKE UP FAT TOMORROW. you'll die on this bus.
"Ok. Ok. Ok." I say to myself trying to block out the voices I can hear

I try not to think as I put the food into my mouth. At first I don't chew. I can't. My breathing quickens as the voices get more intense. I quickly chew and swallow.

Somehow Billie talks me into 3 more bites before she leaves me be and she finishes my food.

"That's like 100 to 150 calories." I say. I'm unsure if it's me or the voices speaking.

"Don't think about that. Think about the amazing walk by the sea we will have later." She says smiling at me.

-

It was now 5 hours later we had finally arrived at the hotel. I was glad, being around fin and their mum although both lovely made me nervous. I never felt like I could be myself around them. Me and billie shared the small hotel room as we always did. we had A double bed, mini fridge, dresser and our own bathroom. All we need.

I watched as Billie crossed the other side of the room. She opened the fridge and pulled out a hummus and falafel sandwich I watched as she took out a half and broke it in half again so she was now handing a 1/4.

She walked over to where I was laying on the bed and held out her hand.

"It's been a while, we should eat again." Billie said, forcing the sandwich into my hand.

She took a bite and sat down next to me.

"I already ate like 100 calories billie, there's at least 80-100 in this that would be 200. No." I said feeling myself get nervous.

"Come on. As soon as you eat that 1/4 we can go on a walk." She said with a mouthful of food.

I stared at the sandwich in my hand. Something In my brain made me get up and put the sandwich down on the table. I shook my head.

"I can't." I said as I slid my back down the wall to sit on the floor.
Billie who had already eaten half the sandwich came and sat next to me.

"What about half of the 1/4? An 1/8?" She suggested breaking the 1/4 in half again.

"That's still 40-50 calories." I said not even making eye contact with her or the food.

"Easy to burn off." She said.

"Can't I just eat half an apple." I said, trying to reason with her."

"No.. you have to eat foods you avoid. You can't survive on apples baby."

"I can try." I said. I slid my hands up to my face, contemplating whether I just eat the food and make sure I burn it off so I can go for a walk.

Little did I know my socks had fallen down, revealing a row of cuts.

"...Are those ...cuts?..." billie said. I could hear her heart snap as mine stopped.