Emotions // Billie Eilish - (on hold)

Chapter Thirty

Billie was downstairs doing something, talking to her mum I think. I was sat upstairs with Finneas. I had told billie we where talking about something but really we were fighting a song.

Finneas thought I may have some ideas about mental health they could use in a song.
So far we had

Do they understand?
I'm begging for an ally
Think I'm just confused
Blow it off, it's nothing new
Never mind
Little do they know
The murder of my right brain
It still has me grieving, take these pills for sleeping
My world is turning black and white

It was mainly about depression but we where going to mix other things into it too.

We decided to leave billie out of it for now as Finneas wanted to see what I could come up with alone and I had to admit I got nervous when billie was around.

The piano began to play and I sang,

"Delt with it myself, Hiding in the bathroom, wearing long sleeve shirts.. Scared of what I might do.. Never mind.. No one seems to hear you till you're loud, Then they call you crazy, Quietly I battle with myself... Days are getting hazy... No one seems to notice when you're down, Unless you are bleeding..But sometimes the worst wounds, Are the ones you can't see.. Never mind"

Suddenly the piano stops and I follow Finneas' eyes to the door.

I notice billie stood in the door way. Eyes squinting at me and her head tilted slightly to the side.

"Ok. What the fuck?" She says. She doesn't sound angry more confused.

"What.." I say, acting totally innocent.

"Firstly you have an amazing voice. Why am I just hearing it now?" She says, holding my eye contact before dragging them away from me and fixing them on Finneas

"Secondly why are you righting without me?"

-

We end up finishing the song and me and billie duet over the lines, we create a stunning song. Our voices sound like poetry mixed together.

"Can't believe how deep that got." Finneas says whilst finishing up the lyrics.

"But it sounds so good." Billie states and I agree.

They decided to save it for the album there working on. Billie also told me she wants me to help her write more songs. I was hesitant though because.. well I don't know why.

"Why though? You have an amazing voice and the lyrics you come up with are just as good!" She was sat on the floor in front of me whilst I sat on her bed, pleading with me to work with her.

"No billie. I said I can't." I avoided eye contact and fiddled with my fingers

"Are you scared of me?" She said, catching me off guard.

"what?! no? Why would you even...?"

"Because whenever I ask about lyric ideas or bring up songs you go all nervous and shy!"

"I'm not scared of you billie.. I'm just..." I sigh. Giving in I jump off her bed and head to the draws across the room that I keep my clothes in.

I lift up some of the clothes searching for my notebook.

"What are you doing?" Billie asks, frustrated.

"Sssshh"

"Did you just ssshhh me?"

I don't reply I turn around and glare at her causing her to put her hands up in mock innocence.

I grab the book from the back of the draw and go back to the bed, taking my original place.

I take a deep breath and close my eyes before handing over the book to billie.

"What is this?"

"Open it." I say as I reopen my eyes.

She carefully opens it up and begins to scan the page.

I chew on my lip and fiddle with my fingers, a nervous current flowing in my veins as I watch billies eyes move from left to right as she reads.

"Constant search for approval, suffocated by refusal, Devouring my skull but never feeling full... Oh, dear I don't wanna be a burden, But could you please be a little more concerned." Billie spoke the words on the page.

"How do you come up with this stuff? When do you come up with this stuff?" She continued

"It's just my emotions. Normally at night.."

"So whilst I'm sleeping your putting your emotions into a song?"

"Are you mad?" I said, continuing to look at my hands.

"No!" She laughed. "No baby I'm not mad.. I just I didn't know this was thing.. I wish you'd told me." She continued.

"Sorry." I said. I didn't know how to feel, I didn't know what I felt.

"What why?? You've got nothing to be sorry about." She said cupping my face in her hands and tilting my face to meet her eyes.

"I just feel like I should be sorry."

"No. This, these lyrics are amazing, your voice is amazing you should be anything but sorry!" She said stealing a quick kiss from my lips being letting go of my face and taking my hands in hers.

She flicked threw the pages, her smile growing with every new page.

"You need to record this!" She yelled out of nowhere
Pointing to a page that said

'Time won't stop to let me figure shit out.. The pictures on my eyelids will put me in asylums.. I'm not even mad though, Just gone a little mad so. Don't blame me for what I see, It's just the trauma talking.. Am I allowed to look away?'

"No, Billie, no! It stays in the book." I snapped, harsher then I meant to.

"Why? It's so good." She said giving me puppy dog eyes

"Because I can't handle the hate. The judgement? I don't like to admit that cuz I don't like looking vunrable , but I couldn't take that billie."

She didn't reply she just kept flicking threw the pages occasionally screaming at words she sees and likes. She doesn't finally hand the hook back till she's read every last page at least 3 times.