Love Me Crazy

15. The Aftermath

*Recap* Okay, in the last chapter, Bastion came to Mary's house for the pictures that are "evidence". Mary wants him to stay and says she love him. He says he loves her but he leaves anyway. Also, Leon comes to Mary's house. Mary professes her love to him but the two argue over the past and Bastion and Mary storms off to the Welles mansion. There she is confronted by Nadia who finally divulges the Welles' past and tells Mary that Bastion drowned a girl when he was eight. Therefore, Mary finds out that he is a murderer. Okay then...there's your recap.

I can't really feel myself anymore.

Like, when I touch a boiling hot pot on accident...it doesn't feel like anything. I know I've been burned and I know my wound needs to be treated but I don't feel it. It doesn't hurt.

Same thing with coldness. Kingston has been quite chilly this spring. But when I'm outside, even if I'm just wearing a camisole and shorts...I'm not cold. I can stand directly in the blowing, harsh wind and not feel any part of the breeze.

I don't know if my feeling is gone. Maybe I only have four senses now.

Or maybe I just don't know how to feel anymore.

Maybe it's something I'll have to learn how to do again...

All I know is, when Nadia told me Bastion was a murderer, my feelings and my ability to feel left.

I don't really know one day from another now.

I go to school but I'm not there.

I go home but I'm not really home.

Wherever I go, I always feel lost and so utterly alone.

To know that the boy you loved...the boy you might still love...is something you can't even begin to understand or accept is...devastating. No, it's not devastating.

It's something worse. It's something much worse.

It's a word I don't even know. I word I've been searching for weeks for. But a word that has evaded me.

So I sit here, trying to make sense of all these events and happenings.

And I end up with nothing.

I end up alone...with no feelings whatsoever.

"Mary, you've been in there for two hours. You have to look like a prune now. Get out of the tub."

My mom repeatedly slammed her fist against the bathroom door but I didn't give her any answer. After awhile, I could hear her sigh before she walked away and returned back to the first floor.

I sighed to myself.

Thank God.

I didn't want to be with anyone right now.

I looked down.

My body was completely submerged in water.

I've never had bath water that high.

I raised a curious eyebrow.

Maybe I could drown myself...

Ugh...that's a horrible thought.

...

My mother was right.

If I didn't get out of the water soon, I would look like a total prune. I probably already did.

So I finally got out.

My body felt so heavy.

Putting on weighty sweatpants and a sweatshirt didn't help any.