The Smoke From His Lips

26

Connor just ended up staring at Jared. How many cigarettes did you smoke? Nobody asked shit like that, especially to Connor. He glanced at Alana for slight reassurance, and the fact that he lost count after the first hour or so which made him hope that Alana kept track, but she gave him a shrug. She didn't have a clue.

Jared hesitantly walked over and sat down next to Connor. "Con," he sighed slowly, unsure of himself, "I know it's rough, I know life gets shitty and I know addictions a bitch and hurting yourself seems like a good idea when you need it but... fuck okay my mind skipped out. Shit."

Connor shrugged loosely. He didn't mind when Jared got scattered. He was patient with it, it was kind of cute. Not cute that he was frustrated, but his voice and the way his nose scrunched when he was trying to think to hard, and the way his glasses raised with the scrunch. "Do you hate me?"

"Wha—of course not Connor," Jared responded with worry in his voice and expression. "I could never hate you. I... don't think I could ever even imagine hating you."

"Are you going to yell at me?"

"Why would I?"

Connor nervously rocked his heels on the ground in front of them and bit at his nails. "Because I don't like talking about it. And I don't like it. And I don't like looking at it."

Jared blinked a bit hard. "I'm never, in a million years, gonna yell at you for something like this. If you don't want to talk about it, you don't have to. I won't point it out if that's something you don't want me to do." Jared, while speaking, wasn't looking at Connor. If he was, he would've seen the tears starting to glaze over his eyes. It wasn't until Connor sniffled that Jared glanced over, having to look twice to make sure that's what he was really seeing, that he realized Connor was starting to cry. Connor Murphy was starting to cry. He felt his heart start to break at the sight. "Oh fuck are you okay?" He only got a shrug and a nod as a response.

Jared hesitated for a long moment before he leaned in and gently hugged Connor. When he got the small hug back, he pulled Connor and himself closer together, pressing chest to chest with Connors head in the crook of his neck. He gently and very slowly rubbed Connors back up and down in time with inhales and exhales, knowing that sometimes it helped Evan when he was upset. He didn't know if it helped Connor, but he definitely hoped. "I'm sorry I'm crying," Connor whispered with a thin voice. "I shouldn't be crying, it's stupid, I'm stupid, I'm paranoid, it's stupid."

Jared frowned slightly. "Nope, you can cry it out. And talk it out. Do whatever it takes to get that emotion out."

Connor nodded slightly and kept crying, shoulders shaking as he did. Alana motioned to them both that she was leaving. Bye Alana.

Connor slowly grabbed onto handfuls of Jared's hoodie in the hug, pulling himself closer if that was possible to do. It was comforting. Connor wasn't used to hugs still, but that didn't mean he didn't enjoy it. In fact, he practically melted into Jared at contact. His whole body slumped and he pressed his head into Jared's shoulder and neck and blocked out the world and blocked in Jared as a whole. His arms wrapped tightly around him, his chest taking time to rise and fall with exaggeratedly deep breaths to sync with, the smell of Old Spice lingering on him from his morning routines— it's all Connor focused on. It slowly calmed him down, his cries lowering to hiccuped breaths and his death grip slowly loosening. "Are you mad?" Connor whispered shakily, voice still filled with the spurts of chest shaking sobs.

"Why would I be?" Jared hesitated, hugging Connor slightly tighter as he asked.

"I didn't tell you."

"I'm not entitled to know everything."

Connor nodded slightly. It was so much different.

"Wanna head over to your house or like, my place?" Jared asked quietly. "You can lay down, get some tea in your tum and pot in your lungs." Connor responded with a small nod. He didn't pull away from the hug, he just leaned closer into Jared. He didn't want to let go. He didn't want to pull back and have to face the cold reality again.
~

Did this book pick up too suddenly?

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