The Smoke From His Lips

27

Connor groaned as he woke up. It was a little while after Jared saw his arms, after all of that angst. His body felt heavy. His body felt like it was melted into the mattress with no reason or will to pull itself up and off. He knew it was a bad day already. Whenever he woke up heavy and melted down, he had a dry mouth, but he never had it in him to get up and get water. It was the second day in a row too, he hated it so much.

He didn't wanna necessarily be awake on those days. He wanted to shut his eyes and hope sometime soon he won't feel like this pile of absolute shit, or maybe sometime he won't be able to wake up. He imagined death to be like a dream, that it's just like usual sleep; it's peaceful, soft and comforting. The darkness isn't as unsettling as someone would think death would be like. It's silent, warm darkness surrounding around his body like a motherly hug, almost. He could just lay there, feel the tingle of the spots you see when your eyes are closed tight, feel death's arm wrap about him snug and pull him close.

He closed his eyes again, listened to the silence around him and the ringing in his ears and just let himself fade away. Not into sleep, he didn't fall asleep at all, he just faded into an empty, fragile state, like he was about to disappear and never come back.

"Connor!" Zoe yelled from behind the door, cringing at the stale scent of day old weed coming from under the door. Connor got baked the night before so his mind could calm down and he could finally relax enough to lay down. "Are you ignoring Jared's calls? He called me and was worried as fuck about you."

Connor didn't realize he didn't pick up the phone. Or that his phone was on his windowsill close enough to sit up and stretch to grab it, but far enough that he could forget about it existing. "Leave me alone and tell him I'm alive." He shouldn't be worrying anyway. Not about him. Nobody really worried, if they did it was for all the wrong reason.

"Can I come in?"

"Fuck off," Connor groaned and shoved his face in a pillow, hoping maybe to suffocate himself.

"I didn't hear a no," Zoe sighed and walked in, closing the door quietly behind her and walking over to the bed, where Connor was facing the wall. "Con."

"—nor. Connor." He corrected in a thin voice which was a big uh-oh to Zoe. She figured out generally what signs meant on days like that. His snapping like that was usually a bad sign—he's been getting a bit bad. Further into it, he was starting to disconnect again. "What do you want?"

"Are you feeling okay?"

"Since when did it matter?"

"Since forever."

"Leave me alone."

Zoe hesitated and sat at the very edge of the bed. She didn't know how to comfort her own brother when he got bad—why couldn't she just fucking help? She mentally beat herself up so many damn nights because she was clueless. She barely mustered up some words. "Do you want me to call Alana or Jared over?" She asked quietly, sort of scared he may take it the wrong way. "I'm having Evan over anyway, Jared usually drives him." She got no response from Connor, so she texted Evan to bring Jared inside when they get there, and that Connor's in rough shape.

It's been a while too, since Connor disconnected into a hazy sort of episode. Jared really did help him, he was probably one of the reasons Connor was able to hold out that long, so Zoe hoped Jared could help maybe just shorten the episode if he couldn't pull Connor into a better state.
~

Sorry this took so long!!
Anyway Con is the Big Sad™️

I kinda like chapters with Zoe and Evan, they don't happen often but I love those kiddos

Vote and comment and shit so I know if y'all like it