Greatest Curse (Book 2)

Conquer Fear

(Asher)

I was shaken to my core. By the time I got home, not even then had I calmed down. My nerves were rattled, my mind racing a thousand miles per minute, and my breathing irregular. I had hurried home, and even though I took a shower to rinse off the day's sweat, hot or cold, the water did nothing to calm me down.

By now, my breathing had come easy returning to its rate of normalcy. But my heart and mind were in a constant race as if waiting to see which could scare me first. Lying on my bed, I curled up into a foetal position under the blankets, pulling the covers up to my lips while my mind raced with Jaxon's words.

He called himself a 'thing.' I know people who refer to each other as such, but it's always meant in a light-hearted, joking manner. The way Jaxon had said it disturbed me. What could be so wrong with him that he'd hate himself so much?

I couldn't get over the self-loathing in his eyes. He hated himself so much it was suffocating. And all this time I kept thinking to myself what the actual fuck went wrong with my mating bond? I kept thinking over my life, of all the things I could've done to piss the Moon Goddess off that she would seek my punishment by sticking me with such a bastard.

I thought he was mean. That he was heartless. He had to be if he could look me in the eyes and tell me he didn't want me. Even if he didn't say those exact words at one time, him saying he doesn't want his mate his exactly the same. I figured Jaxon West had to be heartless if he could look into my eyes- see the pain his actions caused me, how much it was tearing me apart to see him with other guys and girls- and smirk as if he'd won something.

The Jaxon West I knew was arrogant. He was an asshole who cared not for the relationships he destroyed and the people he hurt if it meant he alone was happy. He painted the portrait of strong, dominating, arrogant, fearless, and a bit of an idiot in my mind's eye.

But today, I was shown something different. He wasn't strong. He was trying to be and losing desperately to the darkness that consumed his soul. He was arrogant, yes. He was dominating, yes. Because he was hiding pain behind that mask. Pain I saw so clearly in dimmed sapphire orbs; eyes that lacked the fire that should be present given his age and rank. Being so young, and being a high ranked wolf was the best mix anyone can hope for. Yet, he was suffocating.

My mate isn't happy.

And that single thought shredded me. I shouldn't care for him after everything he's done, and all the trouble he stirred up. The war he almost started when he went after Jace; Sky's mate. I should hate him for the way he disregarded our mate bond, flaunted his latest hook-ups in front of me, smirking in smug satisfaction because he knew how much it hurt me. I should hate his guts for saying he didn't want his mate; that he didn't want me.

The day he'd said those words, it shattered me. I went home that day wondering what was so wrong with me. Jaxon was my mate. Hearing him say those words made me doubt every decision I had ever made. Every relationship I built. I was in a bad place. Part of me scrutinized Sky and wondered if maybe he was a heartless prick and had lied to me all the times, we'd been together. I wondered if he'd only really cared about getting laid and didn't give two shits about me.

I scrutinized everyone around me. My alpha and luna, Dale, Carter, my parents. I had been overthinking and thinking unnecessary thoughts. But that day was the first time in a long time I allowed myself to wallow in self-pity. I let the sub in me conquer my mind, and I hated everyone. But above all else, I hated myself.

I hated everything.

And yet, I couldn't come to hate Jaxon. Especially not after today. What I had borne witness to was just not right. I had moments where I fell into despair. Where I hated myself like no other. But Jaxon didn't just hate himself.