It was so tiring to hope for the constant moon only to get a dying and burning satellite in the end. I wanted the typical heart fluttering love story pero hindi talaga ata para sa akin ang mga bagay na hinahangad ko. I was ready to close and lock a...
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AIERE'S POV
I can feel my heart hammering on my chest, so hard that I'm surprise that it didn't break me so it can get out. Habang nakatingin ako sa kaniya pakiramdam ko ay bumabalik ang mga panahon na lumipas kung saan halos siya lang ang laman ng utak ko. Mga panahon na kahit ata sa anong bagay ay naaalala ko siya. I can remember the pain of just thinking about him. Asking myself over and over again on what I could have done better so I can still have him with me.
Minsan nga napapatanong ako sa sarili ko, ano bang meron siya at bakit kahit ang tagal na, hindi ko siya magawang pakawalan? Bakit paulit-ulit akong nasasaktan kapag naaalala ko siya? Kung bakit lagi ko siyang kinukompara sa mga taong dumadating sa buhay ko.
Now as I looked at him...it feels like I'm slowly getting all my answers. Dahil habang kaharap ko siya pakiramdam ko ay tinitignan ko na lang ang isang memorya na minsan ay nakasakit sa akin. I am looking at the man I once loved. And just by thinking that, I know that I already changed. I once loved. Not a man I still love.
I can feel the fear gripping my chest knowing that I am on the path I fear the most. A very familiar road I took a lot of times. As I look at Mateo, remembering how I fall in love with him, I know that this time...I would take a different leap. I would jump on a much greater height. Dahil habang nakatingin ako sa taong akala ko ay habang-buhay kong dadalin sa puso ko ay nakikita ko na ang pagkakaiba na pilit kong itinatanggi sa sarili ko. Nakikita ko ang pagkakaiba sa nararamdaman ko sa taong kasalukuyang gumugulo sa utak ko...at sa puso ko.
I thought I was still in control of my heart but I was wrong. Because now as I'm facing the man I once loved so much, I realized how it fail in comparison on what I'm starting to feel now with a man that made me see the beauty of the moonlight again. A man that I'm not ready to fall with and a man that is not ready for it too.
Alam kong hindi pa ako handa. But I guess my heart doesn't care if I'm ready or not. My heart was just waiting for me to realize that I was long gone.
I wouldn't have realize this if I haven't seen the person I thought I love so much. I was always caught up into the idea of loving Mateo. I did love him. I know that. Pero masyado ko siyang inilagay sa pedestal dahilan para paulit-ulit akong mahulog sa binuo kong ideya sa kung ano ang dapat na kami.
Pakiramdam ko ay panibagong sakit ang lumalatay sa puso ko. Dahil alam ko na kailangan ko ng pakawalan ang nakaraan. Ang paulit-ulit kong paghawak sa bagay na matagal ng bumitaw. And the pain that comes with the fear knowing that I might as well set myself on another heartbreak by walking on the edge for a person that will not catch me when I fall and he will shatter if he jump with me.
"This need to stop, Aiere."
Bahagya akong napapitlag mula sa pag-iisip nang marinig ko ang pagsasalita ng taong nasa harapan ko. I was so busy holding on to my heart knowing that it's taking a dangerous path that I'm sure I'm not ready to take yet. Pero pakiramdam ko ay tuluyan na akong nawalan ng kontrol sa sarili kong puso. Seeing Mateo woke me up. It rouse me up from the past I was so immersed in so I can open my eyes to the reality of my present.
