You do as I say, understood?

Trying To Feel Sane

Adelaides POV

I don't know what time we fell asleep, but I woke up on the couch with Demi's arms wrapped tightly around me. I feel so safe in her arms. I look outside through the glass back door and see that it's already dark out. Fuck how long did we sleep.

I gently kiss Demi's forehead as I untangle her arms from my body and get up, slowly making my way towards the bathroom, I lock the door behind me and just stand in front of the mirror for a few minutes. Looking at my reflection. A couple weeks ago, I looked normal.. and was starting to feel happy as I pushed my past far behind me. But now, I've gone back to feeling like complete shit. I don't know why I didn't just throw away the drugs Gabriella gave to me.. I guess that's the addict in me.. people don't realize that once you're an addict, you will always be an addict.. it's so hard to stay clean, yet so easy to relapse. Addicts don't ever "get over" their addictions. They simply replace them with "healthier" ones. But that addictive personality will always remain. I had replaced the drugs with baths, the pups, singing, my art, but most importantly my cigarettes are the ones that had gotten me to the place I was. I know smoking isn't a healthy substitute, but it's healthier than snorting coke, shooting up, and doing pills. But look at me. I feel like a failure. Because after 27 months, I'm suddenly back at square one. But this time I don't know if I care enough about myself to pull myself out of this hole again. Like, I'm not strong enough, maybe I am, but I'm so tired of having to be strong... I just want to let go... but like I've been told so many times.
"Relapse is a part of recovery" which simply means, that sometimes you just have to hit rock bottom again, to fuel you harder than before to fight the addiction and to finally get better.

But I'm not there yet.... I don't want to feel anything at all right now, and I know the drugs are the only thing that will completely numb me... I pray and hope that Demi doesn't find out... I don't want to let her down, I've already let myself down, and I won't be able to handle letting the only person who actually gives a fuck about me down... I don't know how to explain it.. but we fit together right... when I'm between her arms, I feel safe. Like everything will be okay. She understands me. And I'm sleeping finally, which is weird, because I've never been able to sleep more than 2-3 hours a night. But the nights that I've been in her arms? I sleep the entire night... I don't know what she does to me or how she does it. She's special.. one of a kind..

I let out a deep sigh as I reach behind the toilet to grab the baggie, my hands shaking as I pour some of the white substance onto my thumb, quickly inhaling, then taking 3 pills quickly.
I look back at my reflection, my eyes once again returning to the black orbs, my face pale, my lips a dark red, no emotion. I wonder what Demi sees in me... god knows I don't see it...

I slide off my clothes and put the things back in their hiding spot, I turn on the water and wait for it to get hot, I like the water temp to burn. To feel like satan himself is breathing down my body. I know. I'm weird.

I smile at my weird thoughts as I get in and let the water hit me, I stand under the water as I think about everything that's just taken place. I admire Demi so much... she's so brave.. and I owe her my life... why would she care so much to protect me..? No one has ever done that before... at least no one has done it and not expected something in return. Or does she expect something in return? I shake my thoughts as I grab the shampoo bottle and massage it into my scalp, then stand under the water to let it wash it away. Then grab the conditioner and do the same. While the conditioner sits in my hair, I grab my body wash and scrub my body, the fruity smell engulfing my bathroom. I shave my legs quickly then wash out the conditioner.

Taking care of myself will help me feel better. I know it..

I smile in the mirror softly as I dry off, then grab my favorite lotion and massage it into my skin, then take my brush and brush my hair. I hadn't brushed my hair in days.. when I get depressed I don't take care of myself, but I've gotta push through that shit and take care of myself, because that will help me feel better.. looking like a complete mess while feeling like garbage, doesn't help at all.. but if I try just a little bit.. even doing something so simple as brushing my hair, my mood improves throughout the day...