Doe Eyes ✧ Gotham [1] #Wattys2019

chapter fifteen

PLEASE KEEP COMMENTING YOUR REACTIONS TO THINGS THAT HAPPEN DURING THE CHAPTER AND JUST THE CHAPTER IN GENERAL

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                   Screams echoed throughout Jane's ears as she stared mindlessly in front of her. She was in the community area and was still recovering from her electroshock therapy. Screams from the other inmates fighting each other and laughing were the only thing keeping her to the real world. The electroshock therapy left her feeling out of place and in another world. The voices had stopped, yes, but at what cost?

She didn't feel like herself. She felt like she was barely alive. All she could do was stare in front of her and breath. No thoughts entered her mind. Her sight was barely clear. It was fuzzy due to her state. It wasn't long until Jerome appeared in front of her again. 

Her vision got cleared as he appeared sitting right in front of her. He smiled, like he always did. "Hey sis, not looking too hot."

She glanced at him for a second before looking away and back to the spot she had been staring at for what felt like hours. 

Jerome continued talking. "What a wonderful memory that session forced you to relive, don't you think?"

Jane shuddered at the thought of the memory. It was something Jane never wanted to remember. Anything with Jeremiah was extremely traumatizing for her. 

Jerome smiled wider, seeing her shudder. "It always started with some good ol' verbal abuse from our dear Mother." His voice got closer to her. "Then Ma would allow Jeremiah to discipline sweet little Jane." He leaned back and fake pouted. "Too bad I wasn't allowed to have any of my own fun with Ma's permission like Jeremiah did."

Every time Jerome mentioned their other brother's name, it sent chills down Jane's back. Their brother was cruel yet was able to get away with anything he wanted due to their mother's favoritism. He was a manipulative liar and knew exactly what to say to make their mother believe every word he said. He was so good that he managed to convince her Jerome was trying to kill him, which ended up with him getting sent away. A.K.A the best day of Jane's life.

After he left, Jane felt more free. Yes, her mother and Jerome still beat her up but never like he used to. Besides the few reminders their mother threw at them and the nickname "Janey" that he coined for her, Jane thought very infrequently of him. It was not a path she wanted to go down. That path often left to depressive, suicidal tendencies. Which Jane was starting to feel again.

"Aw are you getting sad again?" He laughed at her expense. He was her. He knew everything she was feeling. "Isn't it funny how electroshock was supposed to help and here it is just making everything worse for you?" Jane felt her cheeks flame up. Couldn't he just go away? His voice got closer to her like he was whispering it in her ear. "It made everything worse because of how pathetically weak you are. You are a small, small girl." Jane felt tears collecting. She hated when she cried. "No one loves you. I mean look at you. You've truly hit rock bottom and no one is going to save you. Might as well save yourself and just kill yourself."

"Valeska!"

A voice yelled out to Jane, causing her to look up startled. She wiped the unshed tears from her eyes and stood to stare at the guard.

"Therapy."

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Once again, Jane's therapy session with Dr. Johnson started out with silence. The only sounds were him writing on his notepad and the clock behind him ticking away at the minutes. It felt like forever just sitting there, waiting to start. That's when the voices decided to make a comeback.

He doesn't care whether or not you get better.

You're just another monster he sees every week.

You can't be fixed.

If you want to stop hurting people, just end it all. No one would miss you. You have no family left, and the few that are somewhere out there hate you.

Suddenly, Dr. Johnson stopped writing and looked up at Jane. "Lets begin. How are you, Jane?"

She wanted to be honest; tell him how horrible her life was going and how she felt herself getting more depressed by the hour. But instead, she kept it simple. "I've been better."

"Hmm," He replied, looking at his notepad.

See, he doesn't even care about your responses. 

You're just another hour in his day.

"How did the electroshock therapy help?"

Go ahead. Tell him how it made you feel worse than you've felt in a while.

"I-I uh-" Should she listen to the voices? Should she be honest and tell him? "If I'm being honest, they made me feel worse."

"Hmm?" Dr. Johnson started writing again. "In what ways?"

"It's just-" She looked around the room out of nerves. She didn't want to go through another session with electroshocks. "The memory I saw.... It brought back bad feelings and I feel myself slipping again."

"Down another murderous route?"

That made Jane flinch. She wasn't murderous. That was an accident. She didn't mean to hurt anyone. She wasn't in control. "I-In a way, I guess."

Dr. Johnson tsk-ed but didn't sound too interested. "Not good. You mustn't think that way."

Aren't therapists supposed to be the one person that care about your wellbeing? Yours clearly doesn't.

If your therapist doesn't care about you, then maybe there's something wrong with you.

Don't you think this a waste of time? You can't be fixed. You should just kill yourself and get over it.

In a last attempt to get anything helpful from Dr. Johnson, Jane spoke up again. "I think I'm getting depressed again."

"Again? Do you have a history of it?"

Jane nodded while fidgeting her fingers. "Yeah. I-I've had it most of my life. Especially right before I had my break."

Dr. Johnson pulled out a smaller notepad. It was pink. Jane had seen it once before, when he diagnosed her with schizophrenia. "I'll prescribe you some anti-depressants. That should help the problem." 

Jane replied with a small thank you, still feeling defeated. She didn't need meds. She needed someone to pay at least a little attention to her before she did something regretful. She felt small and unimportant. Maybe the voices were right. She should just end it all. She was clearly unfixable.