Doe Eyes ✧ Gotham [1] #Wattys2019

chapter eighteen

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                  The time Jane had been dreading had finally come: her next electroshock therapy session. She had known it was coming but she had really hoped it would've been cancelled due to her suicide attempt following her last. As Jane was carried into the room by two guards, she thrashed harder than she ever thought possible. She whipped her head around so violently, one would worry about giving herself whiplash. Nevertheless, she could not stop thrashing and sobbing. 

She was terrified. Jane now knew what to expect from these sessions and she did not want to go back into anymore past traumas, for which there was a large selection. Anything could be brought up at this point and there were certain things, she didn't want to think about ever again. Although a wasted effort, Jane started to beg as they brought her to the chair. "No! No! Please! Please! I'll do anything!"

Of course, they ignored her and started tying her to the chair. She looked up as Dr. Johnson put the wires on her head and waited for her to open her mouth for the piece of leather. In a last attempt, Jane pathetically croaked out to him. "Please."

The leather was shoved between her top and bottom teeth immediately after. No sympathy here at Arkham. Only fake treatment for the inmates' psychosis. There was a countdown and then electricity started surging through her body. Jane felt her body shake until she was knocked out and taken to a distant memory. This time to her thirteenth birthday in Omaha. 

Every couple of years, around her birthday, the circus would go through Omaha. Some of her worst times were here. It was this time, specifically, that was the worst. This was the year when her mother met a magician. He went by the name Jonathan and was a tall man with a cruel face and always wore elaborate clown makeup to his shows. His show was more for the adults, as he did a lot of bondage and dangerous tricks. Their mother found him by going to one, falling instantly "in love" with the guy. When she brought him home on her birthday, they found out his other dark interests: red haired girls and whips. 

The whip made a loud cracking noise as Jonathan cracked the whip, slashing Jane's back. Jane yelped as she tried to make herself small. The shirt she wore was torn to bits from her mother and her friend, as throughout the night, she was their form of entertainment. Jane heard another crack and then the whip slicing open another wound. This time, she cried louder. They had been at this for a while, and she never got used to the pain.

She felt blood trickling out of the wounds in her back as her mother continued laughing at her youngest daughter's pain. "Gosh I just love when birthdays come around, don't you Jane dear?"

Jane didn't answer and continued to whimper on the floor of their trailer. She hated her own mother so much. The amount of scars she had on her body due to her and the rest of her family was ridiculous. Mothers were supposed to love their children. And brothers were supposed to protect their sisters. But where was Jerome during all of this? Probably waiting for his turn outside. 

Lila frowned at the no response. She walked over to her now teenage daughter and placed her right foot on her bloodied back. With all of her strength, she pushed down on the wounds, making Jane's blood pour out faster and reopening some wounds completely. Jane screamed in agony. "When your mother asks you a question, you answer." Jonathan sneered behind them. 

Jane's mother loved that answer as she stopped punishing her daughter and turned around to face him. Jane didn't look up from the ground but she could hear her mother and the man making out heavily. It was obvious that soon things were going to escalate, yet Jane couldn't find any strength to get up and move out of their way. Lila knew this as she took a break from making out and yelled out towards her son, who's head popped in immediately. She motioned to Jane with her head as she ordered, "Deal with your sister." They continued to make out as Jonathan then carried Lila to the bedroom, closing the door behind them. 

Fifteen year old Jerome looked down at his thirteen year old sister, all bloodied and sobbing. He smiled. Finally, his turn to have some fun. He took this opportunity to kick her while she was down which caused some pleading. "Please," Jane cried. "Please, Jerome. Don't."

That just made him want to do it more. "But I didn't give you my birthday gift yet." He reached down and grabbed the front of her shirt, easily pulling her up. Jane was always small. At thirteen, she stood at 4'11 and 95 pounds. Jane looked down at her older brother with fear. Jerome had a sick sense of humor and feared what he would do to her. Jerome looked at Jane's ponytail that stood messy on top of her head and got an idea. 

He threw her back onto the ground and grabbed a pair of scissors from the side table. Jane knowing what he was about to do, began fighting. She tried crawling away but he caught her instantly and sat on top of her, using his knees to secure her shoulders down. Jane began thrashing on the ground. "No! Jerome! Stop! Stop! This isn't funny!"

However, Jerome didn't stop. He pulled her ponytail up and began cutting across it, not caring if it was choppy. When Jane felt her head plop back down on the ground and saw the ponytail her brother held triumphantly in his hand, she began to cry. Her hair was the one thing she loved about herself. Her long red hair was always silky looking and shaped her face in a pretty way. Now it was short, probably uneven. She didn't have to see it in the mirror to have her self-esteem plummet. 

Jerome smiled wickedly down at his sister as he watched her cry, his favorite past-time. He got up and threw the ponytail onto her chest.

"Happy Birthday, Janey."

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As Jane was thrown back with the other inmates, she felt herself visibly shaking. Somehow, she made it to her usual seat without falling over. Her thirteenth birthday was something she tried to forget. Physically, the pain she endured that day left her back all scarred up. But also, the mental pain she faced that day was something she never felt before. She always had a low self-esteem due to the constant verbal and physical abuse. But that day, it was brought to a whole new level. The one thing she loved about herself was taken away from her. She felt ugly and worthless and was truly at one of the lowest points in her life. From that day forward, she had started to physically and mentally abuse herself for punishment.

She felt tears rolling down her face as she continued shaking. 

Remember how worthless you felt that night?

Remember how you wanted to end it all but didn't?

Don't you wish you did?

It's never too late to try again.

"Jane, are you okay?" Laney appeared next to Jane. Her hand rested on her shoulder as she noticed Jane in distress. Jane had told her about the electroshock therapy, so she wasn't completely surprised Jane was acting like this. No one got out of those sessions feeling anything better but terrible.

Jane couldn't answer her as her breathing had gotten worse. It was getting harder and harder to breath as she went further into her panic attack. Laney noticed and started coaching Jane through it. "Jane, calm down. Look at me." She grabbed Jane's face and placed it in her hands. Jane looked directly in Laney's eyes. "You're okay, Jane. It's just a bad memory. It's not going to hurt you." Jane nodded as she tried following Laney's breathing instructions of slowly breathing in and out.

Jane had calmed down but started crying, still thinking about it. Laney engulfed her in a hug and started rubbing her back. "You're okay, Jane. I'm right here."