I Hear You

11- If Mary Was a Guy...

<Matthew Erwin>

I woke up groggy with a pounding headache. I felt like an old man, I was grumpy, woozy, and my back hurt a little. Nothing much but a good kick in the back to start my day.

My vision was still blurry, but as it adjusted, I could tell that we weren't in Kansas anymore, Todo. Yeah, I may be grumpy but I still like to tell my jokes. 

I didn't sit up when I awoke because there were two people staring at me. Smiling. They were smiling like maniacs. I was the tiger in the cage and they were the visitors in the zoo. I was an exotic animal to them. Fear my black stripes! Fear them!

Okay, I might still be a little drunk and a little sober at the same time. I'm also a criminal because I drank several alcoholic beverages under the legal age. And sooner or later, I'll run a marathon, get in a car accident, lose my legs, and become the alcoholic my father was! I'm a trainwreck! How could my parents ever forgive me? They raised an intelligent, promising future type of son. I won't end up like my sister, working at a fast food restaurant, trying to get through community college. Bleck!

"I can't believe he really likes me," the same voice echoed in my head, full of sentiment and passion. The warmth of the cry in my head felt like a blanket wrapping me tightly, not allowing a tiny sliver of cold touch me. It was-it was reassuring. Somebody was holding onto me, keeping me safe from the cold brisk night.

I fear however that the passion and reassurance could turn into something I've avoided with every romantic relationship. Desire. Hunger. Heat. Lust. The flavor of warm dark chocolate melting in your mouth. I fear that the most. That's right, I've never...done it.

That doesn't make me less of a man though. I'm a man! I just drank Vodka and got drunk with my homie! Testosterone! Yeah!

Lewis snorted, "he's awake."

The big woman, which I can assume is pregnant, asked, "How so?"

"Because he's talking to himself and I can hear that. Matthew, you are definitely a masculine man," Lewis reassured.

"Really? Being a virgin doesn't make me less of a man?" I hopped off the couch in excitement. I instantly regret what I said. The pregnant woman started choking and Lewis' jaw dropped. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. Why do I have such a loud mouth? Can't I ever just shut up?

"You're...you're a" Lewis trailed off in shock, then he whispered like he cursed a bad word, "a virgin?" His voice turned squeaky, as well as the pregnant woman's unusually loud laugh.

"Shh!" I screeched, hushing Lewis. That didn't hush either of them. Lewis was freaking out, and the pregnant woman couldn't control her laughter. Being a virgin isn't that funny. Is she mocking me? I'm so stupid.

She leaned against the wall, chuckling under her breath, she even wiped small tears from eyes, "I-I love this boy," she panted.

I glowed red. She was embarrassing me.

Lewis was still freaking out.

"How-you're! No!" His words were jumbled together, it was difficult for me to understand what he was saying.

"How?" I screeched highly, "I haven't performed intercourse, it's not a big deal!" I cried out loud, saying that to calm myself down.

Who am I kidding? More guys scored than me during the tenth grade. I'm just a loser!

"Hah," Lewis' face melted sweat, he was panting like a dog on a hot summer day. He's panting because of me. His virgin friend.

I was beaming with red, everything was red. And clear. Because I was sweating! I haven't sweat this much since P.E in high school. And that was two years ago! I'm such a baby! A big baby!

"Does that mean-I-I could be your first?" Lewis blurted out.

The pregnant woman continued to laugh her pregnant butt off.

"MY WHAT NOW?" I shrieked. This can't be happening.

"I WISH YOU WOULD HAVE TOLD ME THIS BEFORE WE STARTED DATING. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH THIS PRESSURE!" Lewis shrieked back, just as red and sweaty as me.

"WHY WOULD IT BE NECESSARY? WHEN WOULD THERE BE A GOOD TIME ANYWAY? 'OH YES, HI I'M MATTHEW, BY THE WAY, I'M A THRIVING VIRGIN!'"

The pregnant woman was practically rolling on the ground.

"I COULD DISAPPOINT YOU, YOU COULD BE DISAPPOINTED. WHAT IF IT ISN'T ENJOYABLE FOR YOU?" Lewis squeaked.

"WHY WOULD I BE DISAPPOINTED? YOU'RE HOT!" I ejaculated.

"OH YEAH, WELL YOU'RE SEXY, AND I WANT TO KISS YOU," Lewis quickly responded loudly and frustrated.

"BUT THAT'S GAY!"

"YOU CALLED ME HOT, YOU'RE GAY!"

"SO?"

"STRAIGHT MEN DON'T CALL MEN 'HOT'!"

"WHY ARE WE YELLING?"

"I DON'T KNOW!" Lewis screeched, and then stopped to breathe, along with me. He softly laughed. He was all sweaty, again, his hair was damp as well with his dress shirt that he must have slept in.

"I almost urinated my pants," the pregnant woman chuckled as she interrupted our breathing break. "But you boys, Matthew you called Lewis attractive, and Lewis, you said you wanted to kiss Matthew, do you know what this means?"

"That I don't know who you are?" I peeped.

"It means you're growing on each other, or should I say," she completely ignored my attempt to find out her name, "you're falling in love," she cooed.

"I'm not falling in love? Are you falling in love? Because I'm not," I flipped out, speaking faster than Eminem ever could.

"Calm down, Matthew, embrace the feeling! Welcome the flow of passion, heat, the magnitude of intensity!" She exclaimed, squeezing me. She raised her hand in the air, waving to my future possibilities. Then pointed at the man who stood across from me. Lewis.

"Matthew, Lewis has been waiting to meet you since he heard your voice. He fell in love with your voice inside his head. And you know what your first words were? 'I can't believe Lindsey Sookie looked at me, I hope she's not looking at my enormous nose!' Lewis fell in love with your quirkiness," she said softly with her thick accent, enlightening me.

"Yeah, you're right," I found myself smiling at Lewis, and Lewis smiled at me back.

***A/N***

scREEEEEEEEE!! Oh by the way, if you don't understand the title of this chapter, it's referring to Mary from the bible of Christianity. She was a virgin, also she was perfect, just like Matthew.

-MissyKZV