She's Into Her

EXORDIUM

EXORDIUM

I know it wasn't right to feel this way about her. I know too well that I hated her the first time we saw each other. I know why I hated her, but I didn't know how, when, and why I felt this way about her.

I thought this was just a normal thing to feel this kind of feeling towards her. I am straight, I can assure you that. I never liked any woman before, nor got interested or attracted to the same gender. Never in my life have I ever thought I'd be doing that.

I settled with the idea that 'these feelings' are just a mere concern and empathy for her and just out of guilt, I ended up doing the things I never imagined I'll be doing for her. Out of those 'lame excuses' just for me to get closer to her, I already used. Out of those excuses, even though she asked me to stop, I really didn't listen anyway.

She's always pushing me away, but I am always choosing to stay. I could have let her be in her broken pieces, but again, I used my lame excuses just to keep me going. I didn't stop; I didn't give up and was funnier because I didn't why either.

What I did was modestly go with the flow, like petals withering from flowers, leaves falling from the poet trees, and a sailor-boat sailing in the sea. Letting everything blow by the wind and allowing the wind to carry me in the direction of never-ending uncertainties by dint of, whatever happens, happens, and it is inevitable.

It is inevitable from the very start that her eyes met mine, she gave me this unusual feeling that no one can give me.

Her presence is enough to feel this abnormal heartbeat of mine. The big amount of nervousness she gives me every time she's near me. The excitement that I am always feeling when I know I'm about to meet her. The irritation that I always feel when she's with somebody, the security she gives me when I'm scared, and the happiness that I feel when I get to spend time with her. The misery that I feel every time we fight. But most especially the feeling that I never knew will be felt by someone like her.

She's tall; she suits her height so much. She's an epitome of beauty; piercing blue eyes, pointed nose, pinkish-red cupid lips, and oh right, her once-in Blue Moon smile. She has this curvaceous body which I admire so much because of its perfect features. She's a smart-ass. You will never win if you plan to argue with her; she will never let you win. She's cold, but everything she does warms my heart. She has this attitude that you want to hate her and this personality that you can't hate her after meeting her.

Hate. Yeah. I hate her, but I guess by hating her I ended up like this. I ended up feeling the things I am not supposed to feel toward her. I guess the quotation "the more you hate, the more you love" is an accurate quote for me.

We are enemies that turned into some acquaintance and somehow friends, but sadly, I guess, never into lovers.

So, I avoided the growing feelings so much that I ended up coming up with tons of lame excuses just to hide the confusion of my real feelings. Because in this cruel world, it's either you play along, or you get played, and you know what? I did play along until I just knew I got played myself.

'Hide and seek' is the title of the game, hiding my real feelings towards her and then seeking love coming from her even though I know that it is impossible from the very start. And I pity myself for being like that because of her, but it is fine. I never cared how much the pain would cost me and she never cared about it as well, too bad.

How cliché it is, that we always end up falling for someone who can't love us. How pitiful it is that we always beg for the love we wanted from that special person. Never know if this is the kind of love we deserve. Always begging, never loving.

How cruel fate has been to me because even though I know too well that we cannot be together because I'm her student and she is my professor? Plus, the fact that she's already been taken, and they are both in love, my heart still beats for her. Only to her and even if I do not want this, my heart still wants her.

And I am into her.