explicit content ➵ royce

Ch. XXIV - 99 Problems + 1?

[ Jay. ]



Staying here in Oakland for maybe a while because an earthquake struck in Calabasas, in the late afternoon yesterday. It wasn’t strong as you think but it caused a major power outage in the condominium I reside. I had some scented candles and a flashlight to be considered as my temporary lights, but my mom called to know am I [physically] fine. So appreciative to our make up, she suggested me to stay at my old home, in my old urban slash fancy neighborhood. I arrived here since this morning when Rebecca was in school. I never bothered to get my sleep in. And when I do, it’s just last some minutes.


Yesterday just been heavy on my mind. That’s the main reason why I can’t rest like I should. If I keep thinking about it, maybe I can’t sleep for a while now. Whenever I plan to don’t become sad, it still happens whatsoever. The ignorant part about what transpired yesterday isn’t harassing my mind because I knew better than that, though everything crossed lines. I’ll just say that today I’m a little better. My mom been comforting me with her encouraging words and it made me crack in a smile.


Yeah, she was devastated at first when I told that Chresanto and I are done. I’ve vaunted about him on that evening we got close again. I should stop mentioning him before I get drenched in tears in afresh, when my hair is tightly secured in two braids again, dressed in a handmade turtleneck when it’s still a blazing season, lounging on the front porch wooden chair swing, and serving my appetite with froyo—frozen yogurt. This is one out of my many comfort zones when I’m downhearted.


After viewing at my surroundings and intermittently putting the spoon in my mouth, I picked up my phone to see did anyone text me back. I was texting some friends to assist me on avoiding to stay sad. No one didn’t leave a message yet but I accessed the app anyway. The feeling was killing me, so I felt like reminiscing happiness of the texts that Chresanto would send me. Some of the texts that was delivered to me was from earlier this week:


‘Hey beautiful! Stay sexy beautiful! 😏💯’


‘You the reason why I live baby.’


‘I always imagine you in my arms and I kiss those sexy lips. And here’s your pretty smile always gets me. Letting ya know that you’re safe around me. ❤’


‘Lmfao if we were able to have kids I wonder what he/she would look like more. 😕😂😍’


‘I love you.’


Reading the constant sweet things from him, I couldn’t help that my eyes was welling up with tears. Also, it reminded me that he never returned back my ring. I can’t afford to get my hopes up on that part. If he’s keeping and still wearing it just to remember me… hell, that’s the only nice thing to do over a break up. I believe at any moment, he’s gonna return it back.


I exited the app and put my phone back to aside, wiping the tears, and retrieving back finishing the froyo. Suddenly, my mom came in from the front door. I glanced at her with a random smile.


“Please smile with clear eyes this time, Jay,” my mom said in dramatic exhaustion and calling me by my nickname.


“I try to,” I mumbled, looking down at my froyo. “I was just remembering something, that’s all.”


“What did I just say? It’s actually not meant for you to waste your time by crying about it. I understand that this kid changed you but he would've came running back if he was… charming, like you say,” she predicts.


Hey. She’s right. But I can’t get my hopes up on that one too. I’m not afraid to admit that I did do him wrong, but he could’ve understood why.


“I’m about to pick up Rebecca because she earned a passing grade on her Calculus progress report and I told her that I’ll take her to the mall for a while,” my mom continued as she descend on the steps. “You wanna surprise her and go?”


“I might fall asleep sooner so have fun,” I slightly chuckled. “Since my car is closed in the garage, don’t tell Rebecca I’m here, though.”


“You got me, I’m not,” she giggled as she’s now heading to her car that’s in the drive way.


After she got in her Chrysler she owned ever since I was a early teen, I entered back in the house. I wasn’t planning to take my nap now even though being tired is gaining up on me. If it fights away, that’ll be alright. Anyways, I walked into the kitchen where I left my laptop on the table. Before my mom wanted to converse and braid my hair, I wanted to Skype Justin. He’s up in Stratford and he been there since a couple of days ago, I believe. I prefer to talk to him as I’m seeing his face because there’s something I need to tell him, and I want to have the chance on observing his expression when I break it.


No, it’s not about the break up.


Finally, I’m trying to reach him, patiently waiting. When I’m in the middle of plugging up my phone in the laptop, Justin appeared up on my screen. He was squinting his eyes a little because his setting is outside. Also, he’s video chatting on his phone.


“Hello? Jay?” he acknowledged, with a question to make sure am I me.


“Um, hey Justin,” I spoke coherently as I’m turning down my volume a little. “Where are you? Your backyard or something?”


“No no, I’m really with my mom at a spa and I found an outdoor jacuzzi that I’m about to chill in,” he answered, kinda chuckling in his sentence. “You don’t look like you’re home.”


“Actually, I am at home. Oakland,” I nod in confidence.


“Yeah I’ve heard Calabasas had an earthquake and I’m guessing you have no lights at the moment?” Justin guessed.


“Right,” I simply agreed.



—



It’s been more than thirty minutes that I’ve communicated with Justin over wifi. We’ve kicked in some jokes and laughs and trust me, I think I’m getting better… not entirely. Anything can cheer me up but nothing can dominate the love I had for—seriously, I should stop mentioning it.


“But seriously, excuse me if it’s considered gay but you look hot with your hair like that,” Justin complimented as he’s inside the day spa. I smiled because of his ingratiation. Especially when he’s a cute guy and it just made everything worse on me.


“Thank you,” I muttered under a blush.


“I don’t know why you’re blushing when you have a boyfriend,” he mentioned.


“I don’t have one,” I unintentionally blurted.


Dammit, Jacob. Damn you with your word vomits.


“Wait… what?” he asked in quick bewilderment. “What happened between you and—”


“—We broke up… starting with a couple of nights ago,” I muttered, feeling sad again but I forced a light smile. “I don’t wanna speak of it for the rest of the day.”


Justin’s face fell into dispassion. “It’s obvious to know the reason why, but I’m sorry.”


“It’s fine, I guess,” I replied with my light, sad beam. “And since I’m just blurting shit out of the blue, I would like to quit porn.”


That’s what I wanted to spill out to Justin. Surprisingly and after the times that I keep complaining about the explicit career, I’m now feeling devastated about that; but it’ll wear off. I’m twenty-one years old and I realized that pornography isn’t the shit I want to do for the remainder of my young life. I’m getting closer to my family and it’ll be such crass of you think about it. This ain’t even about the quits between Chresanto and I. I know that I’m cutting the line of a thousand of dollars going my way after three years. Life isn’t all about money. Right now, I don’t know the exact numbers but I have seven figures deposited in my bank account. That’ll hold off until I find something to do.


I’m desiring to do something else other than having sex on camera. And it’s something that maybe I won’t grow tired of. Quitting porn may seem simple, illegitimate, and insufficient to me in y’all minds, but there’s more to it.


Last thing and hopefully I’m not confusing you guys; just because I decided to discontinue porn, I’m not against it at all. Call me crazy or whatever but it was one of the key to find my inside and out sexiness.


I froze at the screen so I can distinguish Justin’s face. Unlike what I expected, he looked very contented and not worried at all. I wonder why. I’m definitely not high right now.


“Hopefully you’re not mad,” I mentioned in a sympathetic tone.


“I knew this day would come sooner,” Justin chuckled. “And hey y’see that I’m not fazed. Like with a lustful face of yours, you should make something out of yourself.”


“Trust me, I’m thinking about it,” I retorted. “You should hit the hot tub now ‘cuz I’m about to start my napping. When can I talk to you again?”


Justin laughed. “You really asked me that?”


“Since you’re in your hometown with your fam I have to know,” I chortled.


“You know the deal. Anytime you need to talk,” he riposted.


I’m happy that he’s making me feel more relaxed.


“Cool. And by the way, thanks for understanding,” I ingratiated, with my post-concern expression.


“Well it wouldn’t make any sense if I became an ass, so no problem,” he retorted. “You have other things you are aspiring to do while you’re free and active. Alright Jay, talk to you soon.”


“Alright,” I said and I ended the video call.


To be honest with you guys, I thought he would never understand. That’s why I kept hesitating over the minutes. At least that one is off my shoulders.


I told Justin that I’m beginning to start my nap… but I don’t wanna start just yet. There’s something else that I want to quit and change myself with as well.


Since it was next to the laptop, I picked up the orange bottle and stared at the remaining Xanax tablets I had left. These the pills that nowadays people pop of pleasure, while I’m just legally prescribed to it. I’ve been stuck on these since I was sixteen; the age that I’ve been diagnosed with anger issues. I tend to get short-tempered vulnerably when stuff—especially people—irritate or misunderstand me, to the point I can’t handle my own anger. I know over the days, it’s very noticeable. Of course, my anger issues switch and destroy my personality. Years ago my therapist prescribed me on these pills, and now I want to stop.


I need to superintend my vexation with remedies, not medication. The Xanax that suppose to cure me is played out. So I don’t see the point of keep ingesting them anymore.


Without any doubt, I opened the trash can and poured the non-useful tablets inside. I want to throw away the bottle, but my therapist’s number is on the label and probably Monday I’ll request to cancel my prescription.


I retreat back to my laptop, now launching on an Internet browser to Google for a rehabilitation center that’s here in Oakland. Yeah, I need to start right away.



[ Chresanto. ]



Ever since I step foot into this doctor’s office, the words that Ray Ray said has been worrying me to death. I gotten shook worse when my doctor asked am I sexually active. For the first time, my answer had to be the opposite of no.


Just to make sure, I want to get tested now while I’m here. But I believe it’s too late for that because now, Zendaya and I are waiting in this serene patient room to get my blood drawn, the last agenda. I’ve already urinated in a plastic cup. It’s like one patient to go before it’s my time to get a needle and I never knew on Fridays, a medical center can get full. I should’ve rescheduled my appointment when I had the chance.


Oh, the reason why Zendaya is with me because I figured that after this is over, I want to hang out with someone for relief. Am I damaged about Jacob and I? Yep, but I’m not showing it. I’m strong on not showing depression, just when only I’m in public. Zendaya just came down to my last option because she’s the only one I have close to me currently. Craig’s first day of school [third year of senior year, damn] is today, who knows what Trevor’s doing, and Ray Ray is too pissed off at me. I have to find something to restore our friendship because I’m really not myself without Ray Ray. That makes the morose bury down on me more.


“Are you alright?” Zendaya asked in concern. I told about the break up because she knew something was bothering me. She was my girlfriend so of course she would observe my feelings thoroughly.


“I should…” I murmured, slouching in my seat with my right leg sitting on my left thigh. Yeah, just to get my blood drawn is taking a while. What they doing in there? Taking an entire pool of blood out of people’s veins?


“I’m talking about the shot,” she chuckled.


I chuckled as well and slightly shook my head. “You funny. But nah.”


“And y’know that it feels funny that you’re not a virgin anymore,” she continued.


“Shit, it’s been some months ago and it still feels funny that you not one anymore either,” I laughed. “Like I’on know should I believe it.”


“No mean to digress but you can finally go,” Zendaya notified, getting up and somewhat adjusting her weave.


“Finally, goddamn,” I sighed and I’m ejecting out the cushion seat.


I’m glad that it was my turn to go next. I didn’t even want to talk about that virginity thing, knowing on who I lost it to.


I pushed the glass door open and we arrived into the lab.


“Hey Mr. August, please take your seat,” my favorite optimistic nurse advised me as she have my blood-drawing materials in a translucent bag. “How are you doing today?”


“I’m cool, I’m cool,” I sorta lied, taking a seat and Zendaya is leaning over the wall where the exit is.


“Hm, that’s nice to hear,” she replied as she took out the items. “I’m gonna waste your time to take some blood to see how’s your condition.”


You can tell that I’m kind of a geek because it took me years to face that needles isn’t deadly. Haha. I’m planning on to get tattoos sooner anyway.


“Yeah I know my condition is well…physically,” I boasted with a smile.


And that clicks me. It switched my whole mood around like from the start but it’s worse.


“Why not mentally, Chres?” the nurse questioned in concern as she adjusting the objects. “Is anything wrong that I should know about?”


I pursed in my lips and simply shook my head in shyness. “No.”


“Well… I hope you ain’t lying to me,” she replied, still feel concerned as she’s searching for my vein on my left arm with this elastic band.


Soon she found it in the middle of my arm, she applied some alcohol with a cotton ball, and I slightly jolt when the needle gently injected into my skin.


“Fuck,” I whispered because of the small sharp pain. I began glancing at the dark red blood that’s ascending in the tube. I wasn’t looking at it for fun. My conscience keep demanding me to ask for my request.


Finally, the nurse removed the needle out my vein. “And you’re all done.” she smiled, now applying a bandage on area where the needle stuck.


“I would like to get tested,” I spilled. Then I bit my lip out of nervousness. The nurse froze at me and so Zendaya froze her stare, out of bemuse and fright a little.


I knew I could surprise anyone. But I didn’t care about that. I’m just cautioned to know do I have anything on what Jacob—the guy I failed my trust to—may passed on to me.


“We’re about to examine your blood,” the nurse informed, seem like she about to grow a disappointed look. “Why you want to get tested?”


“Funny story,” I started off, knowing I’m about to feel ashamed. “Last weekend, I quitted my abstinence and lost my virginity to my now ex. After that night, the next day, and so on, we never used any protection. So I’ve thought about getting some kinda test because he’s a… he’s a porn star. And I’m aware of this chain reaction that may exist that he might get from the business.”


The nurse tilted her head up in bummer. “Chresanto! Whether in doubt or not, always use a condom—”


“—I know I know, and I’m sorry,” I apologized.


“Because sexually transmitted diseases isn’t a joke!” she continued, finishing her sentence. “Young and intelligent as you are, you suppose to have a wise mind. It wasn’t anything flaw of you being celibate because it’s the safest thing that’s left. Especially in this young generation. There are babies that’s having babies and others is diagnosed with HIV or AIDS and still having sexual intercourse like it’s nothing, whether they spoke of it or not.”


Even though I’m now considered as a sexually active human, it’s sad that people don’t trust condoms and birth controls pills. Now to think about it, I messed up. I can’t blame Jacob. I the one got myself in this predicament. Before I dived into the sex, I could’ve asked questions.


“But I wish I could go on with this to you. You’ll have the results in your mailbox by Monday,” the nurse concluded, packing up the tube. “And I’m in a dilemma on becoming disappointed in you. Have a good weekend and a great year back in college.”


I simply nodded without a word, and Zendaya and I exited the lab. If you can tell, I am getting extra nervous for Monday. If the results are downhill satisfaction, it’s gonna be stacked with the available problems—and I caused everything.

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hope you enjoyed this whack chapter. sorry for the typos and all. 

earlier, i posted an August Alsina fanfic, "Washed Up". i came up with an plot outta nowhere. if you adore my works and/or if you adore August, please check it out. :) 

if not, well i guess my "amazing" writing skills is completely played out. and once it's completely played out, then my account is a waste of space that i don't find the point of keeping it any longer. i had fun with publishing every stupid stories. 

-Asia