DISCLAIMER: these are all quotes from tv shows, I take no credit.
****
Jesse: just tell them what you have, Bumper
Bumper: Sympathy PMS. It's a real thing, I looked it up
Beca: Sympathy PMS? What is that?
Fat Amy: no! PMS is mine! Stop stealing my stuff, Bumper!
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Jesse: listen sir, what brand would you smoke if your wife turned out to be gay?
Clerk: Newports?
Jesse: for the last 20 years
Clerk: Luckies
Jesse: I'll take those
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Emily: I'm gonna fix this my way... I'm gonna kill her!
Lily: *gasps with excitement*
Emily: with kindness!
Lily: *frowns in disappointment*
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Aubrey: what's your preferred study method?
Chloe: coffee and tears
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CR: some people are gender non-conforming, so they have gender neutral pronouns
Emily: ah! I'm Emily, pronounced Eh-meh-lee
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Emily: mom says I'm too young to date
Chloe: but you're not too young to flirt. When I came out of my mother's womb I winked at the doctor
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Emily: I've had a long day at work, can I have five minutes of peace and quiet when I walk through the door?
Beca, cleaning the kitchen's counter: the usual?
Emily: yes please
Beca: *pours apple juice in a glass and hands it over*
Emily: wait, leave the bottle
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Fat Amy: it's a complete disaster
Emily: my existence?
Fat Amy: not everything is about you, Legacy
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Stacie, leaning close to Aubrey: Aubrey has no idea I'm high
Aubrey: you're high?
Stacie: I'm sorry
Stacie, leaning towards Beca: Aubrey has no idea I'm high
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Stacie: the picture can't happen today. My pimple's getting worse
Aubrey: oh, honey, I am so sorry. Can you stand?
Stacie: yeah
Aubrey: well, then the picture's happening
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Chloe: there are jobs where they don't shoot at you!
Chicago: we live in America! Name one!
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Beca, watching Lily chew on a leaf: did she just eat a leaf?
Chloe: stop looking! It's wrong to spy on people
Beca: but that's a fake plant!
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Emily: Listen, okay, what did the young shrimp say when his mom asked him why he wouldn't share any of his toys?
Stacie: what?
Emily: sorry, I'm a little shellfish! *laughs*
Emily: get it? cause shrimps are very self-centred
CR: I think the joke is that shellfish sounds like selfish
Emily: oh my god, that's even funnier!
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Beca: Amy, can't a girl have a moment of privacy?
Fat Amy: I live behind a clothing rack. When are you going to understand this.
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Aubrey: you are the most self obsessed person I have ever met
Fat Amy: you should see Kendall Jenner's instagram feed
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Beca: Chlo, I wanna talk about... you know, that thing we never talk about
Chloe: what? That Sour Patch kids are just gummy bears that turn to drugs?
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Fat Amy: there's only one person in this world that can tell you what you are
Emily, smiling: me
Fat Amy: no. Aubrey
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Stacie: oh you don't know, I found a husband
Fat Amy: really? Whose?
******
A/N: brought back some good ol' nickelodeon!
Shows quoted: Desperate Housewives, Glee, Grace And Frankie, One Day At A Time, The Good Place, Modern Family, Victorious, Zoey 101, Gilmore Girls, New Girl, How I Met Your Mother, Don't Trust The B**** In Apartment 23
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Incorrect Barden Bellas
FanfictionThings the Bellas haven't said, but probably would have. Plus some original oneshots. The jokes used are all from the mind of yours truly, not from any other franchise (tv shows, books, movies, etc.) unless stated, so if you're gonna use them , ple...
