Please Notice Me || Jungkook

- 19 -

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I don’t drink, but I invite Yoongi to drink with me tonight. He offers that we stay in his apartment cuz I can’t afford a better place. It doesn’t matter to me anymore. I just want to drown my sorrows in alcohol, for the first time in my life.

His apartment is a lot nicer than mine, though it’s not as big as Jungkook’s room. He lets us drink on the floor at his living room, squatting in front of the cans of beer we bought before coming here. And from there Yoongi listens to me all evening as I bare it all out on him. From wishing Jungkook to notice me, to almost telling him about what just occurred in his room. But I have the refinement not to. I don’t want him to think little of me. And besides, I didn’t let Jungkook get in my pants. I couldn’t do it. I didn’t want to.

After having my fourth glass, Yoongi stops me cuz I’m already a mess.  “Come on, stop it. And sleep over for the night.”

“Sunbae….” I mumbled, dizzy and wasted.

From then I just burst crying my heart out while mumbling things. I look ridiculous, I sound hopeless, I barely know what I'm doing, but the pain is killing me. I couldn’t even hear him anymore. And I couldn’t even make coherent statements anymore. I just find myself saying Jungkook’s name over and over again. All I want is drown my pain in this river of tears. All I want is to forget about Jungkook.

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I wake up early morning still in Yoongi’s room, laying on his bed, under the sheets. He welcomes me with a sweet smile and a breakfast on the table.

He reaches down to me and messes up my already messed up hair even more. “Get up, sleepyhead. We have a shift today.”

As I rise from the bed, I feel so drained. With all of that crying last night, I can’t even remember how I made it to this bed. I look over as Yoongi cleans up the mess I made in his apartment. Everything’s still scattered on the floor. The cans of beer, the plastics of food and the scent of my drunken scenario lingering all over his place.

It was embarrassing, but I cannot even deny myself. I still feel lifeless. All the pain is still with me and I can’t even put a smile on my face. Before seeing Yoongi, the first thing on my mind was still Jungkook. It still hurts like hell, it still burns like fire. The pain in my heart is still killing me, it’s hard to breathe. And all I can do is live with it.

Luckily, today is Saturday. I have two days to console my broken heart and wish it won’t be as stabbing as today when I meet him again on Monday.

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Monday

I’m meeting Jungkook again in literature class. The first time after that shameful night. I don’t want to see him but I can’t miss a class. I have no choice, but to suck it all up and let my heart bleed while no one knew what’s going on with me. The worst part is I have no one. Only Yoongi cares about me.

I brace myself for the impact on my already drained self. He usually arrives in class early or very late. And I have to wait for that gap to control all of my excessive emotions.

5 minutes earlier, there’s no sign of him. 10 minutes later, class starts. 20 minutes into the subject and he’s still nowhere. I’m relieved. So I don’t have to see him today. It’s the best consideration he has yet to give me. But a part of me wonders hard why he didn’t attend class today. It’s not because of me right? Of course it isn’t, it can never be me.

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It’s been a week. And I haven’t seen him in a single class we’re in together. He’s avoiding me that much? It hurts so much but it’s a relief at the same time. At least he’s giving me time for myself. And I unconsciously thank him for that.

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Until I finally have to see him again. This time there's really no avoiding him. Cuz the very next Monday, he’s already there when I arrive. Right now, he’s with his friends again, displaying his usual self. His usual ‘I’m Jeon Jungkook’ type of self.

That scar in my heart rips open at the sight of him, bleeding unstoppably and I silently let it kill me as I reach my seat. I sit there almost losing it. I sit there pitying myself. I sit there alone and depressed. And I dare not to look at him again, for I might breakdown and cause a scene no one but him would understand. Then he wouldn't care. And that's the worst part of it.

Jungkook would glance at you in between moments you're not aware of, with a face bearing a hint of guilt, sadness and longing.

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To be continued…

- nantokanarusa 19.03.12