Haven, Withstanding -The Traveler Series ✔

Chapter 13 - Haven

The rain hadnt let up yet and once we returned to my room, I grabbed towels for both of us. I sat down on the edge of the bed, using the towel to soak up my drenched hair. My eyes fell on the picture frame beside my bed.

Forever, Haven and Nash.

I slowly lowered the towel from my head, never taking my eyes off Nash's face. I remembered when that picture was taken.

I had just passed my state veterinary assistant exam and he took me out for celebratory dinner. We waited an hour for a table at a fancy steakhouse. Another 30 minutes before we were asked for our order and an hour before our food came--cold and not cooked as we requested. Of course, Nash's silverware wasnt clean.. specks of dried food crusted to the fork. The waitress spilled my drink on me. If you look hard enough at the picture, you can see it on my shirt. After deciding that fancy places werent for us, we drove to the bar down the street, blowing a tire in route. By the time Nash put a spare on, the bar was only open for another 45 minutes. Their jukebox was broken. They had run out of whiskey and it started to rain something fierce outside. But that was always our luck.

Although it was a disastrous night, that picture was the best thing to come of it. Regardless of the little frustrations thrown into our path that evening, we still had each other. We were grateful and in love and laughed at the irony of our whole attempted "celebration" night. We captured that moment on my phone.

I suddenly felt guilty about my time with Ethan. Nash had been my one and only. Even though we hadnt married, it was still an unspoken vow to one another. He was the one I wanted to spend my life with. Ethan couldn't replace him. No one could replace him. Him being gone now changed nothing. Was this considered cheating?

I liked Ethan. I couldnt lie. I experienced a range of feelings, emotionally and physically, when he was around... and even when he wasnt. Feelings I couldnt explain. Feelings that didnt make sense. But, in the end, Ethan wasnt Nash.

Ethan placed his hand on my back, sitting on the bed beside me. I didnt look at him. I couldnt. I kept my focus on Nash's face. I needed to tap into his strength. "Its my fault you know. The accident?" I whispered.

"Haven--" Ethan spoke gently. I dont know if he was attempting to convince me I hadnt caused the crash, but he didnt know the whole story and I had to get it off my chest. I had to say it aloud. I had to make it real.

Because it was.

I waved him off, "No, it was," I said calmly. "I forced us out in that ice storm--" I laughed bitterly, and then finally looked to Ethan, our eyes meeting. If this had been any other conversation, those eyes would have melted me. And although I didnt want to see the disappointment in them after I confessed my sins, something wouldnt let me stop. Something inside forced me to keep talking, "because I didn't want to cook anything for dinner. How shitty is that?" He didn't say anything but the concern for me that was in those gorgeous blue eyes didnt falter even the slightest bit, as if it didnt matter that I had killed my fiance.

And suddenly, I wanted that gaze to change. I wanted someone to blame me. I wanted someone to get angry. I wanted to feel the hate and disapproval emanating from someone. Anyone. I needed it. Desperately. Because that's how I felt about myself. That's how I saw myself. If I hadnt been lazy, if I hadnt been selfish, if I wasnt so fucking stubborn Nash would still be alive. We would be planning our wedding... our future. But Ethan didn't give me the satisfaction of hating me and it made me angry.

Okay. How about this, then? "You want to know the real fucked up part?" Tears filled my eyes, threatening to fall down my cheeks. Could I say it? Could I admit it? Could I face the pure undying love Nash had proven to me that he felt? Oh, fuck it. It had to come out sooner or later, "It was supposed to be me."