once // calum hood

23

Time and space. How much time? The space part is pretty easy to figure out seeing as Calum is halfway across the globe. The funeral was five days ago. It's been a week and a half since he sent me that text. 

A week and a half of sitting here wondering what the hell I did wrong, I get that he's grieving his sister, but we all are. I get that he wants to be alone, I even somehow understand why I wasn't invited to the funeral but what I can't understand is why he's incapable of sending one text message back. He's texted Ashton a couple of times and even Luke but not me. 

I never felt like an outsider when I'd hang out with all four of them. I never felt like an outsider when I met or hung out with Mali. I never felt like an outsider until now. 

Our relationship seemed stable, and it felt that way too. Everyone that's ever seen Calum and I together have said without a doubt that we were meant to be together. It all feels like it's up in the air now. If we were as strong as everyone saw us, why won't he contact me? Why am I sitting outside on his patio with his friends feeling like I don't belong here? 

All I'm asking for is a text that says, "I'll be home soon, I love you." or something along those lines, but I don't get it. Calum didn't even tell me he loved me, just that he needs time and space. I tried to understand that, and I do to a certain degree but eleven days feels extreme — something or anything to hold on to. "I need time and space, I hope you can understand," feels like a breakup. 

I know that's not what he meant. Calum would never break up with me over a text message, but after eleven days I'm starting to wonder if it should've been. How could I be with someone who won't keep me in the loop of his life? Sure, I live in his house, and I'm surrounded by his friends, but none of that means shit if he's not here. 

When Calum and I started dating, I was aware that he's a very private person. We'd talked about communicating and always being honest with each other especially after what happened at the airport last summer. I had heard that he likes to curl into himself and his emotions when it's a lot to handle, but so far it hadn't happened yet. Until now, I'm getting the first taste of what that's like, and it's so bitter. 

"Teagan? Want to get in the pool?" Luke calls out to me snapping me out of my trance. He's inside the pool with his elbows on the pavement propping him up. It's sunny outside today in LA, so we decided to have a chill outdoors day. 

I gently shake my head, and he frowns. "Come on. You've already got your suit on and everything. It feels nice." 

"Maybe in a minute. I'm going inside to get a snack." I swing my feet over the side of the lounge chair and push myself up. I know I have all eyes on me as I walk inside because we brought a bunch of snacks outside already. 

The boys had helped me move Mali's boxes into her room so Sierra and Luke could sleep there. Michael and Ash had been crashing in the living room. They're all going back to their houses tonight because the boys have to begin packing again. Three more days until they'll be back on the road, but Calum hasn't given them an answer if he's going to be there or not. If he has, they haven't told me. 

I greet Petunia and Duke as I come inside, they'd both gotten a little overheated outside, so we let them into rest. The cold air conditioning feels good on my heated skin. I quickly move away from the window paned doors so they can't stare at me from outside anymore. 

I lean against the doorway of Calum and I's bedroom. It feels weird to call it ours because he's never been here. It may never get the chance to be ours. 

Luke tells me not to take Cal's behavior personally because he's done it to all of them, but I do. We are in a relationship, and if it's serious enough for me to move in with him, then it's serious enough for him to open up to me. I can't live with someone not knowing the next time they'll disappear because 'it's what they do.' That doesn't work for me and it never will.