until it's empty

01.

song for chapter- xanny by billie eilish
(in the rain version by Jessica Kaitlyn on soundcloud)
(put on repeat)

i stood in the kitchen washing dishes, trying to drown out the sound of my drunk dad fighting with my older brother.

i look up for a moment through the window shape opening in the wall above the sink. it gave me a perfect view of the table and living room on the other side.

we lived in a small 3 bedroom apartment. only two of my brothers lived with us, Eli and Mark who were both 19, Eli being older by 7 months. my oldest brother Arron was stable enough to move out when he was 17 and is now 23 and across the continent.

i dropped a glass in the sink from the booming noise of my fathers voice coming into the dining area. "YOU'RE TELLING ME THAT YOU STOLE THIS FROM ME?!" he yells, as he harshly places a brand new unopened bottle of tequila on the table.

"i was hiding it from you!" yelled Mark. he ran his hand through his messy dirty blonde hair in frustration. his brown eyes clouded with fear as he tried to calm down the old man.

"WHY?! WHY WERE YOU HIDING THIS FROM ME?!" the old man yelled.

"so you wouldn't get like this!" Mark said, gesturing to my fathers drunken state. his poor freckled face being stained with tears.

"stop crying boy," my father says lowly. his gaze met mine as i just stood there frozen. my father has never liked me. another reason why i envied Mandy so much.

"what are you lookin at? you little bitch, scrub those dishes harder!" he says walking over to me. i just stand there, not being able to move.

"did you hear me?" he grabs my ear. "WHEN I TELL YOU TO DO SOMETHING, YOU DO IT!"

he pushed me harshly to the ground before i crawled backwards towards the wall. my brother rushes over towards my dad to take him away but gets shoved back.

"you see your brother," he points towards Mark who was being held by his shirt. "you're gonna be a fuck up just like him if you don't listen. dude cares too much he's depressed and is up everybody's ass. or you could be like Eli and drink your feelings. or you could be like Arron and run away from everything. or you could be like your mom-"

"shut up," i scowl. my father looked back towards my brother and pushed him out the front door before locking it and stepping back into the kitchen.

"you remember what happened to your mom right?"

"SHUT UP!" i say sobbing.

"I TOLD HER NOT TO TAKE YOU WITH HER BECAUSE YOU ARE A DISTRACTION! A DISTRACTION FROM REALITY! YOUR HAPPINESS KILLED HER! SHE WAS SO CARE FREE BECAUSE OF YOU AND SHE DIED! SHE DIDNT LISTEN! YOU. KILLED. HER!"

by now i was a crying mess. i could barely hear Mark banging on the door of our apartment. as soon as my dad let him back in they started fighting.

i stayed in that same position until 2:00 am when Mark and my dad were asleep. even though it was Thursday, Eli was probably at another party.

i stood up and walked into the dining area grabbing the tequila bottle from the table. i carried it to the couch where i plopped my drained body on.

before i could open it, the front door opened followed by the sounds of kissing and moaning. i sat up from where i was laying and saw Eli with another girl.

he would often take home girls he picked up from parties just to 'hit and dip.' i couldn't really see her face due to all the lights being off and the moonlight only shining in the living room.

"get a room," i said with a scoff before laying back down on the couch.

"where do thinking we're going?" he answered, words being muffled due to his face being eaten off.

after hearing his bedroom door close (Eli and Mark don't get along so Mark shares with me) i twisted the cap of the tequila bottle.

"i don't deserve happiness" i said, my voice coming out raspy due to me crying all night.

"OH ELI! HARDER!" i hear the girl scream. disgusting.

with that being said i take one long sip of the bitter alcohol. wow. i'm becoming just like my dad. the person i hate the most.

never. it's just one sip right?

i look at my hands in my lap. one holding the big bottle, the other limp. one more sip.

no.

just one sip tonight.