Roommates

Chapter 26

Cara's P.O.V.

Ever since I met Jae Sun, I felt like all the happiness I built up has become dormant. I haven't felt this conflicted since I choose not to go to medical school after graduating from college.  Every time I thought about Hannah and what my parents wanted, I went through a wide range of emotions. I would go through feelings of despair, sadness, anger and then guilt. All my life I did what my parents wanted because I thought that was what it meant to be a good daughter.

"Cara, become a doctor and then you can protect the family. You can do it, Cara. Jae Sun and Luna can't do it. They're not practical like you. It will be so great to tell people that our daughter is a doctor. We would be so proud." Growing up those words were a constant reminder of what I needed to become.

Like the devoted daughter, I thought I was, I pushed myself into a major I hated. Every time I had to dissect some poor animal,  I had to convince myself to not get sick. Every time I cried because I had a hard time with organic chemistry and how it would be my doom. If I couldn't pass that class then I couldn't graduate. I suffered so much because of it and I didn't dare tell my parents. I couldn't let them know I was failing. I would be a disappointment. I was an anxious mess and had a mental breakdown after taking my last exam.

I sacrificed my happiness and my time for them just so that I could one day become the doctor they wanted. If it wasn't for Tennyson I would probably be in med school right now.  My parents were not happy at first when I decided not to take the MCAT.  They thought I could still write and be in medical school.  Those four years of college took its toll on me and I did not have the strength to go another four years. With my two books, I proved to them that I could be a successful writer and they finally let go of that dream of me being a doctor.

I still have some regret of not going through and becoming a doctor. Disappointing them was something I hated, but I knew I would not survive medical school. It would have killed me. I don't know why I was so into being the dutiful child. My brother did whatever he wanted because he was the boy and he could. My twin sister did not even have that mindset at all. It was her happiness before everything else. She did what she wanted and she would fight whoever stood in her way. Of course, there were times where I wanted to rebel and do what I wanted, but I would always stomp on those feelings because I convinced myself that those feelings were selfish.

These two years in New York City away from them has been the most peaceful I've been. I felt free for the first time. I didn't have to worry about what my parents wanted. I could just do what made me happy. No more blind dates set up by my mother. No more awkward family gatherings where all I did was stand quietly and wait to be spoken to. Being alone, away from my parents gave me a different kind of joy but being with them and receiving their praise was another type of happiness that I missed.

Hugs and I love you were not something that my parents showed my siblings and me while we grew up. Praise became the equivalent.  Obedience became the way to earn praise and then when school started, grades became another way. As I grew older, I did whatever my parents ask me to do. No was never an option in my mind.  I became Simcheong, I became the dutiful daughter. It was so unfair that all these years of being the filial daughter could be swept away because I was dating a woman. It felt so unreasonable to me. I've done all that I was asked and everything I did would still not be enough for them to accept Hannah and me.

This was so frustrating for me. A part of me wanted to never tell my parents about Hannah, but then the other part of me felt like it wasn't fair to Hannah because it seemed like I was ashamed of her. If I told my parents about Hannah then I wouldn't be their daughter. The thought of not having my parents in my life felt excruciating. I would be a bad daughter and that made me feel guilty.  This whole situation made me scared to go home. I have been ignoring Hannah's calls and or messages because I was afraid. I needed my space to figure out this dilemma.  This wasn't the same issue I had with medical school and writing. The only way I got out of medical school was because of the success of my writing. For now, I was hiding out in a tea shop in Midtown until I could somehow solve this solution.