Some Wounds Never Heal

Sick Twisted Joke

Chapter 41:

Oliver's Point of View

The nurses come by and take Caleb back to his room half an hour later and I go back to walking around the hospital. I look at the directory and see the morgue is on the bottom floor. My eyes fill with tears and I slide down the white hospital wall.

I feel my throat seize up and I question my existence as I've been doing since Beckinsile left the world. I feel like I don't deserve to be here but Beckinsile does. She deserves to continue on. I'd do anything to switch with her.

I run my thumb under my eyes in a failed attempt to get rid of my tears. I picture her face in my mind and suddenly I can't move. All my muscles are in lockdown and I have no will to move them.

"I guess I'm not ready to see her..." I think and take in a deep breath.

"Oliver,"

I blink a few times and the person in front of me comes into focus. My nurse sets her hand under my chin and pulls my chin up so I'm looking directly at her.

"This is never going to get easier, I know that, but you really need to rest...You aren't ready to deal with this right now and you aren't ready to revisit what happened...I know you want to hold onto her but you can't right now...She'd want you to take care of yourself; she wouldn't want you to do this to yourself all the time. Please just rest and wait until you are completely sure you're ready and then deal with this..."

I just nod in response as the nurse helps me up and escorts me back to my room. I know I'm not ready but I want to see her so badly, just so that I'll know that this isn't some sick, twisted joke but a reality. I can't take not knowing.

"Hey Oliver..." Victoria walks into my room with a bag of Chinese take-out and an extra-large coffee.

She hands me the coffee and takes out a white container of noodles. She knows I won't eat but she tries to offer me some anyways.

"No thanks..." I mumble and take a swig from my coffee.

"Oliver, you have to eat something...You haven't eaten for at least three days straight..." I throw my hand up in protest but my mom silences me. "Pills and coffee don't count, sweetheart..."

"That's what you think..." I take another drink from my coffee and then sit down on my bed.

"Oliver," My mom says in a warning tone.

"I'll eat something when we get home tomorrow, but no take-out..."

"Deal," My mom pats my shoulder and takes out some food from the bag by Victoria.

~~~~~

It's about midnight and I'm supposed to be sleeping but I'm too wrapped up in my thoughts to even fathom closing my eyes.

"What's on your mind, sweetheart?" My mom asks as she closes her book and looks over at me.

"Besides what happened last week?" My tone is sarcastic but I don't care right now.

"Yes, besides that..." My mom sighs and sits on the end of my bed.

"I can't believe that I could be the one in the morgue right now but I also can't believe that she's the one in the morgue...It's just unreal..." I wipe a tear away and turn so I'm looking my mom right in the eye.

"That's what's been running through my mind too...This whole thing is just so unreal..."

"I can't believe that I'll never get to see her again...I'll never get to take her to another prom or take her out again...I'll never get to do anything with her again..." I feel like my whining is getting a little annoying but I need to vent to somebody.