"I'm not the perfect girl you want! I'm not her!"
"You're right, I want the perfect girl. You're that perfect girl."
The shadow of your best friend is what you call yourself. Until you mean more to someone else who is actually the boyfriend of your...
Mark stops the car when we get to a familiar park. He sighs and turns to me and sees my watery eyes and messed up mascara. He gets out of the car and opens the door for me. I don't deserve him.
"C'mon." He says softly and takes my hand from my lap. I sigh and hold his as he helps me out.
"Mark." I say slowly and stop walking. Mark turns around with a concerned look.
"What's wrong?" Mark asks and steps closer to me but I step back.
"I don't... You shouldn't be with me anymore." I sigh and look down at the ground.
Saying those words makes my heart drop. I try to stop myself from crying and swallow my tears. Mark steps closer as he tries to comfort me but I step back again.
"Mae." Mark says with pain in his tone.
"I'm serious, Mark." I say with assertiveness. "You deserve someone who isn't problematic like me. Someone who deserves you."
My voice cracks which makes me want to break into a million pieces. I try to avoid eye contact with Mark. I didn't want to face his stupidly beautiful face. I didn't want to look at the destruction I caused.
"M-mae." I hear Mark's voice say in a low yet weak voice. "You can't let what she said get to you." Mark says and he steps closer. I sigh and stare at the floor.
"I'm hurting you just by being with you. I don't understand why you would like me. I didn't do anything for you in my life before we were dating." I say as I choke up on my words. "Nothing can describe everything you've done for me. Don't..." I sigh as a tear streaks down my face. I feel my tears escaping my eyes as I continue to speak. "Don't waste your love on me." I say.
Silence. The dead air between us felt like the modt peaceful yet devilish thing in the world. I could feel pressure against my skin and a constriction on my throat as I am frozen in front of him. I also feel peace though. Not having another second of arguing or speaking sends me relief.
He's thinking. I know he is. After a few more minutes of cooling down, I turn around and try to walk home but a hand grabs mine and pulls me back. The warmth of his touch startles me yet makes me feel whole. I look up at Mark and see his watery eyes but he avoids looking down at me. He drags me to the car and takes me home without saying a single word.
After he drops me off, I felt weird about the whole situation. Did we break up? It was awkward in the car. It was awkward leaving the car, we didn't even say goodbye. I just walked out.
I felt like a piece of my heart has been taken away as I fall onto my bed and cuddle up next to my stuffed animals. I turn off the lights and then my fairy lights illuminate the dimly lit bedroom. I look up at my wall and see the photo I would always look at to make me smile.
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Instead tonight, this polaroid made me cry myself to sleep.
////
Three weeks. It's been three weeks since we've spoken. Three weeks of me crying myself to sleep. Three weeks of my heart missing. Three weeks of me avoiding him at school. Three weeks of our friend groups trying to split their time between us. Three weeks of insecurities.
But worse of all. Three weeks of watching Hana flirting with Mark. Every day at school, she has her hands all over him and is always with him which makes me want to avoid him even more. JB and Jinyoun would talk about how annoying and rude she is but I'm too heartbroken to care or even speak about that bitch. I haven't talked to Marie since the party. I didn't know how to feel about everything.
I feel like nothing ever goes right with me. Nothing ever seems like it works out for me. I'm always the one getting hurt but to this point, nothing seems new.
I still miss Mark. Every day, I wish I could be in his arms again. I wish we could act like idiots together and match our clothes and go hiking again. I miss everything about him. I still love him. I can't find that same happiness with anyone else. I'm not even ready to read his letters again. They're the last things I have left of our love.
I lie down on my bed as I always do every day after school now. I stare at the ceiling as the same thoughts about Mark and Hana and Marie run through my brain. Suddenly, my phone starts to ring. I slowly grab it from the nightstand and answer it with a tired voice.
"Yes?" I ask as I rub my dry eyes.
"Mae, you going to the dance tonight?" Liz asks me. Shit, i forgot about that.
"I'm not in the mood." I honestly say.
"You can't skip!" Liz says.
"We know how much you love flowers and spring!" I hear BamBam shout through the phone. I shake my head and try to keep a straight face.
"Plus, we're already at your house." Liz says which alarms me cause I was just crying and staring off into space.
I'm not in the mood to see anyone or even go to a dance. The doorbell rings and I sigh as I look out my window to see half the gang outside. It's Liz, Yugyeom, BamBam, and Youngjae. I shake my head with a glum look. I carry myself downstairs and lazily clutch the doorknob and open the door. They all enter without my approval and start to swarm my living room with their suits and dresses. I close the door with an annoyed face as I watch.
"Who let you in?" I ask and they all stop unpacking their clothes.
"You opened the door." BamBam states and points to the front door.
"Yeah, to tell you guys to leave." I snicker and then stick my hand into the pockets of my sweatpants.
"You're going to the spring fling." Liz commands me and hands me a long, pink gown with white floral prints. I roll my eyes and look at the dress then back at Liz.
"Liz, you didn't have to. I'm not going." I whine. Liz sighs and crosses her arms.
"At least try it on." Liz asks me with a pout. I hesitate before answering but then sigh. I nod and head upstairs to my room.
