Pieces of Me

I'm Going to Be Okay

I can't believe that he's gone.

I can't believe that he was taken from me without me saying goodbye.

I forgave him for everything that he has ever done to me because I know now that he loved me. And I know that isn't an excuse, but he apologized and I choose to forgive him. If I really wanted out of the life I was in before I would have fought harder back then like I did when Matty came back into my life. I would have wanted it. I didn't want to leave Marcos, I wanted to stay with him forever.

I needed him.

He found me when I was at my lowest in life.

Right after my mom had died, when I had no one.

He became my knight in shining armor. He picked me up and made me feel like I had somebody, like I was important.

I loved him.

I did.

But I know that I love Matty more.

I didn't have Matty back when I needed him, but I have him now and I still need him. I have longed for him for so long, and now that I have him I don't want to lose him. I picked him over Marcos.

I felt a bit of guilt for wanting to leave him, but I know that is what Marcos wanted. He wanted me away from him and for me to be safe, he wanted me to go with Matty.

But I already miss him, and the world doesn't feel right knowing that he isn't in it.

"You're going to be okay." Matty told me, taking my hand from my lap and squeezing it causing his touch to send tingles throughout my body. "I promise."

All I could do was nod and try again not to breakdown.

We had already been in the car for a couple of hours. Within the first hour of leaving the hotel, I was a blubbering mess, but now I was just numb and coming to terms with what happened. I know that Marcos loved me and he probably died trying to protect me. And I know that what I am doing know is what he wanted all along.

And for right now, I have accepted that.

Right now, it is keeping me sane.

I must have drifted back to sleep because the next thing I knew, I was being woken up by Matty. "Hey, we made it back." He spoke softly, running a hand through my hair. "Come on."

He was already out of the car, had opened up my car door, and unbuckled my seat-belt. Helping my drowsy body from the car, he closed the door and locked the car. And just as we made it into the lobby of his place his cellphone rung. He tried getting it from his pocket and hold me, but just as he pulled his phone from his pocket, it stopped ringing.

He chuckled, putting it back into his pocket. "Oh, well."

By the time we made it to the elevator, I was up and alert, but I wish I wasn't because Jennifer was sitting on the couch waiting for Matty's arrival.

"Fuck." I groaned.

Jennifer turned off the TV, got up from the couch and walked over us to get in Matty's face. "Where the fuck have you been?"

I backed up and stood to the side because this had nothing to do with me. I know that if I want to maintain my relationship with Matty that I need to at least try to get along with Jennifer and not cause any problems for her or the baby.

My attention should only be with Matty.

"Jen, relax. Okay?" He tried calming her down. "I only went to see about Anna, she was in trouble."