From Fall to Winter

Chapter 7

Guilt. A feeling that I have not felt on this level. Guilt is very straightforward. But this? No. No matter how much I hate Angela, I wouldn't do this to her. I'm mad at myself for what I did to Adam. Who was blown away by last night. He found it sexy and enjoyed my motivation.

There was literally no rest for me.

Even in the library when I needed to be writing this paper for my Refugee History class that was kicking my ass. I couldn't stop moving my leg which caused the girl across to me to move away. Fuck her.

The library was only semi packed. My corner table in the isolated silent area made it impossible to be affected by them. I almost even tried to cry to release some feelings. Like always, I couldn't.

I nervously munched on my plantain chips while reading my book. It probably was a poor choice of food for a library, I'll admit. Maybe if I ignore it, others will too.

"Can you please-."

Fucking hell. It was him. He peered from the corner only to smugly walk towards my table.

"Hey Lucia", he said with the biggest grin.

I looked back down at my book and continued to read.

"Alright then." He was sitting across from me now.

A minute of silence probably passed.

"Are you going to speak to me?"

I obnoxiously turned a page. He put his hand on top of my page. Dick.

"Talk to me."

"There's nothing to say." I refused to look at him.

"Well I beg to differ."

"I'm not going to talk about that shit you pulled Saturday!" I was basically whisper yelling.

He cleared his throat but stayed quiet. He looked at anything but me.

"Yeah, now you have nothing to say."

He relaxed his tone. "Lucia."

"Don't Lew-shah me you fucking asshole."

"If you didn't like what happened on, um, Saturday. Why did you stay?"

"Because it was 1 am and I wasn't in the mood to-."

"No", he cleared his voice again and adjusted himself in the seat. "Why did you stay at the door?"

Way to humble me. Now I was quiet again.

"All this rage for me but as far as I'm concerned, this was consensual."

"There was nothing consensual about it", I whispered while I looked at his hands.

"You walked in on me sunshine. If anything I felt violated." In the most sarcastic voice.

Sunshine. Gross.

"Don't think I didn't hear you and Adam." He quickly got yo out of his seat. He brushed himself off. My mouth dropped a little bit and followed his eyes as he stood. "Now. Miss Lew-shah, I'll be off. But please chose a more quieter snack to eat next time." The sarcasm in his voice would make me laugh if it wasn't directed at me.

He left me. I could finally breathe. I felt like I was being interrogated.

"Oh and one more thing", he slid an orange case across the table. "Since you couldn't stop looking at me the first time."

I picked it up. Trainspotting on VHS.

____________________________________

I couldn't stop Angela for coming over on my birthday. Or inviting people. She told Adam about my birthday who I feel like is going to try and go out and all that. I literally didn't want to celebrate it but I can appreciate the thought.

I put my nice cream sweater for the night even though we're staying in. Des made cupcakes and shit.

Angela told me she's been distancing herself from Cillian so she could break it off with him. So I'm glad he won't be here tonight. The last thing I need is his wandering eyes burning through my profile.

Des opened the door while I listened to my parents message. They wished me happy birthday and told me to come home soon.

"Happy Birthday!" Angela's voice pierced my ears.

I slowly turned around to see her giddily holding a large box. And guess who came out from behind her? Yes. I hugged her smiling.

"Why is he here", I said through my teeth, maintaining my smile?

"I'll explain later", she whispers.

She went to set the gift down. I looked at Cillian who just gave me an awkward smile. Neither of us knew whether we should go in. We awkwardly hugged each other where he told me happy birthday in my ear. It was cute.

Adam came right after. Looking handsome as always. Why couldn't I just have a normal attraction for someone. Either I'm attracted to my professor, or emotionally unavailable men, or just plain lust for my friends boyfriend.

We had a nice night. We played a mean games of Scategories where Adam named all Dominican brands on his answer sheet with Des as our fact check. After that round I started naming Indian phrases and Cillian named all Irish bands. Angela couldn't even try because she was detached from her Bronx Italian roots.

We stuck candle in one cupcake to sing Happy Birthday with. As expected, that cupcake was shoved into my face. We tried to find a movie again to watch on tv. Des was going through the Channels from the living room.

"Weekend at Bernie's"

"No."

"Sixteen Candles?"

"No."

"Trainspotting?"

"No we watched that", Angela said from my bedroom as she fixed her hair.

"Speaking of, Lucia did you ever watch it again. On the tape?" Ugh thanks for bringing that up!

"No, I didn't get the chance. I've been busy."

Angela walked back into the living room, "wait Cillian you didn't return it to Blockbuster? We're going to get charged so much!"

"No, no I did. I bought the tape for her. As a birthday present."

"Oh. You should have waited until her birthday then."

"I'm just going to put Friends on guys", Des yelled.

Adam sat next to me and put his arm around me, "how you doin'", he said in a Italian New York accent like Joey.

I laughed it off and kissed him

"You taste like frosting", he said licking his lips.

I took his face and proceeded to kiss him. I try to stay away from PDA but I just had the desire to make out with him then and there. I opened one eye to see Cillian sneaking peeks at me.

"Can I stay the night?" Adam discreetly bit my ear.

"Of course."

I walked over to Angela who was pouring herself some of the sangria we made last night.

"So I thought you were going to break up with him."

"No I just wanted to distance myself from him. Anyways we got into a fight right before this and to calm him down I let him come with me."

"You should have just broke up with him then."

"Yeah but I was running late so I think I'll do it tomorrow."