From Fall to Winter

Chapter 9

I've been trying to keep myself busy to keep myself afloat. I've been going shopping and buying unnecessary things. I've managed to meet up with old friends. I've been getting high. Visiting different parks. Anything just to not relapse. I've been hurting Adam the most. I'm trying to be ok for him but he can't help to pick up on certain things. Times like this where I think of how heroin made Rent feel in Trainspotting. It just made up for so much lost. It's also times like this where I think of calling Dr. Gould. It's not like there's much of a priority. I would make an appointment in a dark place and by the time it came to see him, I'd be composed and unable to open up. You know, the way we approach old colleagues, with the dumb formalities. Unwilling to bother them with your own problems. I only met him that summer, I doubt he remembers me beyond the notes he wrote.

I was packing for Christmas where I'd be spending house sitting for my parents. Adam was supposed to stay with me but his grandmother died in the Dominican Republic, so he had to go for her funeral. I wish I could be more supportive. I should be. It's hard to be there for others when you can't even be there for yourself.

I'm terrible.

Angela and her fucking parties. I want to opt out of this one. It seems like the only time I really get put in a social situation, one with him, is when she throws some sort of gathering. This was a Christmas party. She was a Catholic by culture rather than belief. It's all dumb. Ugly sweaters, mistletoes, presents. I don't want to venture out to the depths of the lower east side for her. Ever since Cillian laughed in my face, I've felt quite vulnerable. Not the fall-on-my-knees-for-you type of vulnerability, but one where I don't feel comfortable being around him at all. I don't want him to think that he knows me when in reality he's just another emotionally unavailable asshole who likes fucking with my fucking feelings. Asshole.

I'm trying to figure out if I am well enough to attend this party. Probably not.

2 hours later

I know what I said.

I really wasn't going to go but she took my sweater last week and she never gave it back. So I have to go get it before the holidays. I'm serious. Now I'm here with my sweater caught between his killer stare and the door. I hung out in her kitchen continuously pouring myself shots to pass the time. I really need to establish a life that doesn't revolve around her.

Angela came beside me. "Do you see guy with the gelled up hair?"

"Yeah."

"That's him."

"Who?" I knew who he was.

"The guy I'm... you know."

A soft "ah", came out.

"Frosted tips?", I asked with hesitation.

"They're cute on him."

"Why would you invite him if Cillian's here?"

I did not care enough to try and make her feel bad about her decisions. I just was curious.

"It's not like we're doing anything, come on." She playfully pushed me.

She walked away to go greet people who just walked in.

"Talking about me?"

I almost jumped.

"Yeah we were."

"Good things I assume."

"Yeah."

"How are you?"

"Fuck off."

Poured myself another one.

"You know I've watched you long enough to know that you've drank enough."

I slammed the glass on the counter.

"Fuck. Off." I felt my eyes bulging out of my skull. I could tell I was making a scene. From my peripheral vision I saw some people watching. I heard the quick bit of silence that followed. Those people included Angela. I looked down and cleared my throat. I looked across the room.

"You see the guy with gelled up hair and frosted tips? That's who you're losing to. You're losing to a guy with frosted tips!"

I aggressively brushed shoulders with him and grabbed my coat and left. I didn't make it far until Angela pulled me back in.

"Do you have a problem with Cillian or something?", she said angrily.

I shook my head no.

"Do you have a problem with me?"

Whoa. I can't believe she said that. I shook my head no. With reluctance.

"Don't make a fucking scene like that again. Not in front of my friends."

She went back in. He was right behind her watching that happen. I turned around and tripped on her welcome mat.

"Hey hey hey", he grabbed my arm and helped me up.

"I'm taking you home, don't fight me."

"I can go home myself."

"Yeah, keep telling yourself that."

He helped me down the stairs. I didn't look at him.

"You should stop drinking."

"You should stop cheating on your girlfriend", I quickly rebutted. He shushed me.

"I guess I had that coming."

The walk was almost silent. I took in the view. The streetlights were decorated in red and silver colored tinsels and ornaments. Quite beautiful actually. Cars passed by playing 106.7's seasonal Christmas music. 3 Month old flyers from San Gennaro's feast.

"You know you're no better." I dropped the small smile that formed.

I raised my eyebrow and looked at him. "How?"

"It's obvious you hate her."

"What?" Shit.

"You hate her. Yet you're her 'friend'", throwing up air quotes.

"I don't hate her." Shit.

"Come on!" He started waving his hands around. "We both know, that we both don't care about a thing she has to say. And she doesn't care either."

I chuckled. "You're right. But she treats me like shit. Even you can see that." I felt my eyes swell up.

"And she treats me like shit." He waited for me to speak. He was right.

"Then why do we stay?" I quickly wiped a tear before it fell.

He sighed. "The million dollar question."

I was sobering up a bit. We got on the train and sat next to each other.

I leaned on his shoulder. He put his head on top of mine.

"I really like you", he whispered.

"You don't know anything about me."

"I'd like to."

I smiled but he couldn't tell.

"Are you free tomorrow?"

"I can be. Why?"

"I'm going to be at my parents house. They're on vacation. You should come by."

I looked up at him. I haven't had a good look at him since we talked at school. His cold blue eyes weren't so cold anymore. Fluorescent train lighting suited him. His face was so sincere. I would have kissed him if I didn't know any better. He reached for my hand and held it to his chest. He said he'd be honored to.