From Fall to Winter

Chapter 10

I had a chicken in the oven. Probably too much for just me. Too much for me and Cillian. We could probably survive off of it for the weekend. I should probably make some rice and beans while I'm at it. Being back in this house was weird. Having a complete kitchen with a fully stocked fridge was weird. The fact that I invited Cillian to come over was weird. It's not that I haven't visited this house since I left, but living in it was bringing back old memories.

My bedroom.

I spent so much of my life sleeping to avoid so many problems. A habit I haven't really broken. I lost my virginity in that bed. I sat down and bounced on the mattress a bit. The frame is still going strong after all this years I see. My bookshelf got dusty. Sad to see no one was cleaning that.

Even the bathroom. I remember staring at myself for hours after I've cried myself into a state. I remember that tub because I used to cut myself when I was 14 in there. I remember the medicine cabinet because it's where I had my Xanax right before I oded at the beginning of freshman year and got sent to the hospital and met Dr. Gould.

My parents didn't decorate the house. Unlike Angela's, my parents were religious Christians who didn't care for the consumerist part of Christmas. I brought out an old angel from my bedroom closet and set in on the coffee table. I turned on ABC's Christmas movie marathon. Right now was A Charlie Brown Christmas. I plopped onto the couch. And now I wait.

He didn't give me an exact time but I also didn't want to ruin the spontaneity of it by calling and asking. I wonder what excuse he gave to Angela. Angela probably left him around rather than let him meet her family. Also why didn't he go home for the holidays?

My chicken was roasting nicely in the oven. There was no more rice in the house. I wondered whether I should go out now. If he came, I didn't want him to wait outside. A few minutes wouldn't hurt. I ran out to avoid being in the cold as much as possible. This winter's been pretty cold. The grocery store wasn't too far. Me and Angela worked there together in high school. It was packed. Every mother was getting last minute ingredients for their family dinners. Egg nog, cookies, all that bullshit as well. I got the small bag of rice.

"Lucia? Lucia is that you."

I recognized that voice. It was Angela's mother. I turned around and threw on the fakest smile.

"Oh my gosh, hi!" We hugged each other. She looked just like Angela. Yuck.

"You're back home for the holidays?"

"Yeah my parents are in India, so I'm house sitting."

"You should come over to our house! The more the merrier."

"No, no, that's alright. I have some friends coming over later." Yeah, I lied.

She nodded.

"So where's Angela", I asked.

She turned around to look at the aisles.

"Uh, they should be here somewhere, I just saw them." Them? Angela and her brother?

"ANGIE", she screamed in her raspy Bronx Italian accent.

"Is Joey with her", I asked?

"Yeah, and that Irish fella she's dating", she said still peering around for them.

All three of them came out of an aisle together. Angela. Her brother. Cillian. I stared at him. It's almost as if this was a dramatic movie montage and he was walking past me in slow motion. He looked happy.

"Ma'am?"

I turned to the cashier who was waiting for me to pay. I locked eyes with Cillian's. The smile on his face dropped.

"Hey, nice seeing you here", Angela said.

"Hi Lucia", Joey waved.

"Hi", I softly waved back.

I didn't want to look at Cillian. I already felt my eyes welling up. I put my head back down. I paid quickly and left.

The minute I stepped outside of the store I started bawling. If my mother was here she'd be so embarrassed that I was acting like this in front of the neighborhood. I covered my mouth to stop myself from crying more. My gloves were drenched with tears. I tried to regulate my breathing there.

I saw Joey run out the door into the parking lot and look around. He saw me by the exits and walked back towards me.

"Hey", he said trying to catch his breath.

I sniffled. "Hey", I said in a nasally voice.

"Are you ok?"

"Yeah" I whispered.

He handed me a grocery bag, "You forgot this."

"Thanks", I whispered again. I gave him a half smile.

I cleared my throat and spoke up. "Hey, uh, do you still sell?"

He shyly nodded.

"Come by later?"

"Do you still live-."

"Yeah! Yes, uh. Yes I still live there, just came as soon as you can." My voice was dry and croaky. I felt bad for yelling at him afterwards.

I ran home. I slipped on black ice twice but I still kept running. I put the rice on. Chicken was still good.

My chest was physically hurting. He told me he liked me. He told me he'd come. We were supposed to watch Christmas movies together and eat food and celebrate and all of that stupid love shit. He was in my fucking grocery store with her and her stupid family. I would have rather him have said no and laughed in my face again than him do this to me. My mind was rambling with different reasons to why he could have done this. But at the same time I don't want to think anymore. I wanted to crawl in my bed and fall asleep.

The doorbell rang. I opened the door to him.

"I came here as fast as I could."

"Thanks."

He threw the paper bag on the table and began to rub his hands together.

"How much do you want?"

"Just a dime."

He took searched around for the small baggie while I pulled some bills from my pocket.

"Can you roll for me."

He sat down and set up on the coffee table. Ripping apart pieces of the bud until it crumbled.

"So how have you been."

Really Joey? We're doing small talk now?

"Like shit, but better than before."

"That's cool."

"Are you in school."

"Yeah I'm doing graphic design classes at the community college."

"That's nice."

"What are you studying?"

"History."

We smoked together which helped me forget temporarily. We ate food. Talked about life. He fucked me on the same bed he took my virginity on. Then he left.