From Fall to Winter

Chapter 17

Cillian's sister zipped up the back of my dress. I smooths the pink fabric downward. Not bad. I declined Angela's hairdressers offer to give me some intricate updo with a shiny barrette. My hair was down but I clipped some of it back to seem like I did something special.

Angela was finishing getting ready at the church. All of us would meet her there. I insisted coming with her as I was her maid of honor but she said her Irish friends and Cillian sisters would be up to the task. You all know me by now and I don't do more than I'm asked.

I walked down the hall to Cillian's room. The door wasn't closed but it wasn't open. I knocked lightly. Cillian's brother opened the door. Him and another groomsman were wearing their suits. Cillian was the exception. He had his blazer on a hook and his tie was undone. His brother was in the middle of tying it.

"Hey."

"Hey," he replied. "Can you check to see if the cars are here yet?"

They looked at each other and nodded. They knew they were given busybody work but who were they to protest today.

"You look nice Lucia," he said on his way out.

"Thanks Paidi."

I slowly closed the door behind him so you could just hear the lock shift.

I felt like I was looking at my maker. Something you don't want to see until it's the end. He stood straight. Hair gelled back. Skin clean. Shirt smooth.

He towered over me. I trembled. Some of that was because I was still sore from having sex for the first time in months and my legs couldn't handle it.

"You look amazing," I told him.

"What about you," he said with his arms out to me. I smirked and turned away.

I couldn't stop staring at him. This may have been the first time I got a good look at him since the play. I avoided looking at his face during the rehearsal to Angela's annoyance. She thought my nervous nature got the best of me and hindered my performance as a maid of honor. Probably why she didn't care if I was at the church right now or not.

I walked closer to him. Steps at a time. He stood still. I grabbed his body and pulled it close to me and rested my head on his chest. He held my body as well.

I felt a tear softly drop from my eyes. I sniffled. He kissed the top of my head and pulled away from me.

He held my face up to him. So he could see me in this state of defeat. He softly hushed at me. He wiped the tears from my face with his thumb.

"What's wrong?"

I kept staring at the radiator behind him because I couldn't look at his face without unleashing even more tears.

"Don't do this," I muttered.

"What?"

"Don't get married," I said with my voice cracking.

He held my face and gave me the most pitiful look. I don't remember ever putting myself out like this. Begging for a someone to be with me.

"I'm sorry," he told me.

He walked to the door and locked it. He came back to me and cupped my face in his hands again and kissed me. The mere touch let all the tears fall out of eyes and onto his face.

He picked me up and put me on his bed. He laid on his side and gently lifted my dress up and hastily yanked my underwear down.

Before I knew it he was back in side me. Just like at the play, I held his head and pulled him inside of me with my legs. Missionary is so romantic. This was as close as I'll be.

He didn't dare stop kissing me. Unless it was to moan or mutter "I love you"s into my mouth. I did the same. I wasn't loud this time. I understood that this was the worst place and time to do this. But I also understood that this may be my last chance with him.

I couldn't stop imagining. If this was all me. If I had the money to go to Ireland first. If he saw me and I saw him. He would follow me to New York. I'd follow him to Ireland. We'd live our dreams.

But that wasn't how it went. Instead I'm in a pink gown having a quickie in his bedroom the day of his wedding hoping that his family doesn't hear us.

He kissed my lips and rested his forehead on mine as he was nearing. He started into my eyes until he came and dropped his body on me.

I caught my breath and started crying again. I pulled my dress back down and sat on the end of his bed. I had to redo my makeup. He sat next to me trying to calm me down. He re-buckled  his pants and put his arm over me. I dropped my head on his shoulder.

I stopped crying because I heard sniffling. I looked up at him and he was crying too.

"I'm so sorry," he told me.

I opened my mouth to say something but I didn't know what to say.

"It should have been you."

I wiped my tears so I could attend to him.

"We both made some bad choices."

He started crying even more.

"Lucia," he looked to me.

I turned my face to him. "Yes?"

"Marry me."

My mouth opened a bit in disbelief. The words weren't making it out of my mouth.

"Marry me. I'll leave this place right now. Ill take you to the courthouse and we'll get married."

I furrowed my brows in sadness. "I can't."

"Why not. This is what we want. Let's stop pretending!"

"Cillian I can't just Elaine Robinson you and take you away. It doesn't work like that."

He held my hands and raised it to his face. I heard him softly whisper 'please' many times.

"I love you so much," I sniffled, "but you're a fantasy. You're my fantasy. I can't have you... you don't belong to me."

I wiped my tears from my face quicker this time. I needed to compose myself.

"I love you."

"It'll pass."