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chapter song the 1975: milk "straight lines, they unwind you / she does a little thing with her eyes that says "we're off soon" / she says the bleeding's incidental / cause she's so cool"
1984
"When did you become so fuckin' boring?" Cato asked El as they sat backstage. They were finally back in America, but Cato showed no signs of leaving anytime soon.
"I don't know, probably whenever you started poisoning my drugs after I decided I didn't want to be with you anymore. Thanks for almost killing me, I really appreciate it," El's sarcasm dripped from her words and onto her smile.
"I just loved you too much to set you free," Cato reasoned and she rolled her eyes.
El gagged over his words. "You're almost pushing me to drink."
"So why don't you?"
"Because I don't drink," she said.
"Everybody drinks, El," he lightly pushed the bottle of Jack toward her and her breathing began to waiver. "Come on, just one sip."
El was almost weak. She almost just reached down and took a giant gulp. She hadn't drank in two years, and even then, it was a mistake, she knew that. Thankfully, Jude burst through the door and saved the day.
"Come on, El. We have soundcheck."
-
El was truthfully embarrassed. She couldn't remember the last time her face had burned such a bright shade of red. They were on stage in front of thousands of people and Ezra was losing his grip. He was off-tempo and there had even been a couple of times in the night when he wasn't even playing the same song as the rest of the band. The audience was over it and they were booing and throwing cups and bottles onto the stage. They came out to have a good time on New Years, and of course they're pissed because the band sounds like shit. El was fucking over it, too, but she couldn't help but think Is this the end?
She stormed off stage, Jude and Del following behind her, but she quickly turned around and headed straight for Ezra who had just stepped into the wing. She grabbed him by the collar of his shirt. "What the fuck is wrong with you!?" She yelled in his face.
Ezra shoved her off. "Don't even fucking start with me!" He moved to walk away from her but she caught his arm.
"You need to get a grip on yourself. I don't give a fuck what you do to yourself, but you're not going to interfere with the band, do you hear me? I have had it up to here with your bullshit, and if you don't pull it together, you're out of here," she seethed through gritted teeth as she got in his face for added effect.
Ezra thought she was bluffing. "You wouldn't kick me out of the band," he scoffed. He was wrong.
"Wanna try me?" She raised her brows. "I will end you." She poked his chest hard. She was certain there was smoke coming out of her ears but goddamn did it feel good to give Ezra what he had coming to him.
Ezra didn't have anything to say. He just turned around and headed to the dressing room. Jude went to find liquor and Del found herself a hot girl to hookup with back on the bus. El was smoking a cigarette in the back hallway and making feeble attempts to calm herself down.
"That was hot," Cato appeared out of the shadows.
"Go away, you pig," she muttered in disgust.
"I have something that'll make ya feel better."
"The only thing that would make me feel better is if you went far, far away back to wherever the hell you came from and left me alone," El took a long drag of her cigarette.
"That may be true, but I know you too well to know that you won't deny this," Cato flashed an eightball at her.
Her muscles seized up at the sight of the coke and her eyes widened. Do not give in. You've done so well. Do not fuck this up.
"I know you want it," he wiggled the bag in the air, "you can put on that goody-two-shoes sober girl act in front of your boyfriend and your band, but I'll always see you for exactly who you are; a tweaker with daddy issues who is too insecure to face her problems so she does drugs to cover the pain."
El marched up to Cato and snatched the baggie out of his hands. "Give me that!"
He took it back. "Ah, ah, ah," he warned, "not without paying first."
She stole the baggie from his fingers once more. "I almost paid you with my life. That was enough."
-
El had locked herself in the bathroom of the concert hall. Her breathing was ragged and she paced the room. Her nerves only grew more as she glanced every so often to the eightball cut up in lines on the counter.
Just do it. You'll feel better. One part of her brain was able, ready, and willing to get a taste of that sweet powder again. Don't do it, El. You've worked too hard to give it up now. The other part of her brain was actively trying to warn her of what she already knew the outcome would be. However, El had learned the first time around in her addiction that she could a little self-sabotaging. She guessed that was a trait that would never really leave her and she realized this as soon as she leaned down with a dollar bill and snorted the three lines before her.
She stood back and sniffed her nose repeatedly as it burned at the sensation it hadn't felt in a long, long time. She felt shitty, but a bigger part of her had missed this. A part she didn't like to let out of the cage often. And for good reason, too.
-
a/n: don't mind the time jump, the tour started in november/december so it's not like i skipped over anything important. anyway, i really wish i wasn't like this :/ let me know what you think of this shit show that's happened!
