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chapter song circa survive: nesting dolls "when we were young and everything's magical / then it all disappeared"
1984
My love,
I wish I could find the words that would somehow make this hurt less, but there's nothing I could say to undo the hurt I'm bringing to both of us. I know you won't understand, I know how you are. I also know you'll never forgive me, but that's okay. Just know that the reason I'm doing this is because I care about you and I refuse to bring you tumbling into this downward spiral with me.
I never thought this was how my life would turn out. I always thought I'd have my mom and my dad to rely on and annoying older brother to pester the shit out of me without fail. Now, I have no parents and no brother and I'm scared that if I don't get the fuck out of here, I won't even have myself. You have been, without a doubt, my backbone these last few years. You have shown me love and kindness in ways I never thought possible. You changed my life forever and I will always love you for what you have done for me.
Because I love you, I am leaving. Just for a little while. I have to get out of here, Nik. I've got to get out of LA, away from all these fucking people and the fucking bullshit and all the painful shit this city reminds me of. I feel like I'm drowning here. You are the only thing that has kept me afloat, but that shouldn't be your responsibility. I'll come back, when the hole in my heart is stitched together, I'll come back. If you don't want me anymore, I will understand. I won't scream in your face, I won't beg you, I won't cry for you. I will thank you for all the memories and see you in another lifetime with no death and no heartbreak and no ugliness. I know you won't understand why I'm leaving, but I hope you do.
While I go off and try to find myself again, I pray to God that you won't lose yourself. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone or anything, and I'm so sorry for this.
Love,
El
Nikki calmly folded the letter and placed it on the bedside table. He slowly glanced around the room, looking for her, searching for just an ounce of her presence, but he knew she was long gone. A tear, small and unasked for, rolled down his cheek. His head dropped into his hands, screaming into them, hoping that wherever she was by now, she would hear it and come back to him. Come back and tell him it was a mistake, that she didn't want to leave, that she was just emotional and not thinking clearly, but he knew she wouldn't do that. She was too stubborn, too much of an asshole to admit when she made the wrong decision.
What exactly had led them to this point? Just a few weeks ago, they were happy. Everything was fine. They were planning a fucking wedding. Now, El had disappeared off to who knows where and left Nikki hanging high and dry. Truth be told, actually, it wasn't that El had just left for no reason. She left because the universe kept throwing punches at her, round after round it kept knocking her down. Every single time, she'd get right back up and plant her feet, ready to hit back, but even the strongest people get knocked on their ass for good sometimes, and this happened to be one of those times.
