Barking up the Wrong Tree - An Object "Fanfiction"

Chapter 2 - Well Isn't That Just Great

"Is this a prank call?" asked Tree. "Because if it is, then it's not a very funny one. Shouldn't you be calling the police?" Tree was not in the mood to go and solve a murder. Of course, it was his job, but it is generally accepted that the last thing anyone desires to do is, in fact, their job. He didn't even recognize the name of the alleged victim. In addition, he was not in the mood to be on the phone with this person. The voice coming from the phone was high-pitched and generally annoying.

"I... I did! But they didn't come! Th-they just... told me to mind my business!" came the high-pitched and generally annoying reply.

"Who is this?"

"Marsh... Marshmallow," Marshmallow squeaked. That explained the high-pitchedness and generally annoyingness. Oh, thought Tree. Of course. She's from from the Double Eye District. The Double Eye District was a poorer area of Mergerville, and as such the police were paid less there. This subsequently caused a group of vigilantes to form and start fighting crime their own way several months ago. Unfortunately, due to the tendency for vigilantes to shoot mayors, they quickly were imprisoned themselves. The police force then became corrupt and lazy, as police forces who are paid less and are located in a poorer area of Mergerville do.

"Where are you right now? Is the body with you? Are you injured?" Tree queried. He no longer thought that it was a prank call. First of all, it suddenly made sense that the police didn't care. Secondly, he was the acquaintance of one of Marshmallow's acquaintances, and apparently Marshmallow wasn't particularly of the prankster type. And thirdly, "queried" is a very sophisticated word.

"U-uh... 4-45 Red Ridge Avenue, Double Eye D-District," Marshmallow stammered in reply. "Apple... er... the body... is in the living r-room. I think I'm fine... numb, th-though." At this point, Tree was getting bored of all the dialogue, and decided to end the conversation.

"I'll come as soon as I can," he said hastily, then hung up the phone hastily, got out of his seat hastily, exited his office hastily, and walked downstairs hastily.

"Hey, Remote, when's that party you mentioned?" Tree asked hastily as he hastily entered the lobby.

"It starts at ten this evening," Remote replied.

"Well, I've been called to solve a murder, so I'll meet you there." Tree responded hastily as he walked through the foyer hastily and left the building hastily.

Once outside, he dropped his hatefulness in favor of not having an adverb describe his every action. He got into his car, started it up, and drove towards the address Marshmallow had given. Although he had been a private eye since the point in time previously mentioned, Tree hadn't actually solved any murder cases. Most of the crimes he had investigated involved theft, fraud, and – once – jaywalking. The only time where one of his investigations involved a dead body was when a rich man was viciously attacked by a vending machine. An eyewitness of the incident (who happened to be a shark) stated that it was an "unlikely occurrence" but that it "happens more often than you'd think." Of course, since vending machines are (reportedly) not sentient, there was no murder to solve and/or investigate. Tree's task in this particular instance was to decipher the incredibly messy handwriting of the deceased man's will.

Tree arrived at Red Ridge Avenue and was immediately faced with a dilemma. When Marshmallow had said "4-45," Tree assumed that she had stuttered while trying to say "45." However, driving down the road, he saw that both "445" and "45" were house numbers on this specific avenue. Tree did not want to accidentally enter the wrong house, but he also did not want to experience the high-pitchedness and generally annoyingness from several paragraphs ago. Then he realized that he was planning to enter the house in which the source of the high-pitchedness and generally annoyingness was located, and called Marshmallow again.

After clarifying, Tree walked up to the correct house and knocked on the door. Marshmallow immediately opened it, and gestured nervously for Tree to enter.

Tree entered, and saw Apple's dead body sitting in a pool of blood on the floor in the living room.

"Oh," said Tree. "I see."