Olivia • Hardzello au

14.

"So, have you found a girlfriend yet, son?"

I start choking on water, and everyone looks at me with concern.

"Uhm, yeah.. no?" I scratch my head, looking at Ben, who just sips wine silently.

"Well, you better hurry up, you're almost 30." Says mom, looking at dad for his approval.

I sigh, biting my lip.

"I'm... working on it." I mumble, playing with my food and trying not to snap in front of everyone.

"Good." My dad smiles at me, and I flash a quick smile as well, resting my eyes on my friend again.
He looks at me with an expression I struggle to get, then he gets up, pointing towards the bathroom.

I excuse myself, walking behind Ben and closing the door carefully.

"What?"

"I wanna talk to you... Desperately."

"Okay alright... I'm all ears."

"Listen, uh... about the kiss..." I quickly interrupt him.
"Oh, it's no big deal, we don't have to talk about it. It's the past, okay?" I step closer, placing my hand on his shoulder and flashing a smile.
Then the urge to kiss him intrudes my thoughts, so I step back, opening the door and storming out, my face completely red.

What I didn't get was the way I always reacted, the way I felt around my friend. I thought it was just attraction, but now... I didn't know anymore.

I just felt confused and trapped in this weird situation. For a second, as I sat back at the table, I almost felt the urge to cry, but then I remember that my parents were right next to me, and that Ben could also see me.
So I kept my head down for the rest of the meal.

-------------

After our brief bathroom conversation, the only thing I could do was walking back and forth in my room, torturing my hair, since I was unable to catch sleep.

I was exploding, I really needed to talk with somebody. Anybody.
So I found myself ringing at Lucy's doorbell at 3 am, all sweaty and in tears because I couldn't sleep.

Lucy opens up with a mad face, but as soon as she notices my face, she pulls me in, slightly concerned.

"Joey, what's the matter??"
I sob a little, resting my head on my hands.

"I can't sleep and... And I'm so fucking confused, and tired... Please help me...!"
I look at her with a desperate look, hardly holding the tears back.

"Okay, let's sit, mh?" She drags me towards the couch, sighing and patting my shoulder.

"I'll be right back with some tea. You love tea right?"

I nod, smiling weakly and wiping my face.
"Tell me what's going on."

"You know Ben, my flatmate, right?"
"Yes, what about him?"
"Well... he, uh.. we started to do weird stuff since I adopted Olivia."
"Weird stuff like having sex when she's asleep or..."
"No! No... weird stuff like... touching hands and... kissing." She raises her eyebrows, waiting for me to go on.
"And he wanted to talk about it but I panicked and I said they didn't mean anything BUT THEY DID!THEY DID MEAN SOMETHING."
I start sobbing again, covering my face and struggling to breathe.

"Okay, Joe? Take deep breaths, and drink some tea."
She drifts closer, hugging me softly.

"You can still tell him the truth, plus, it looks like you didn't let him talk. How can you know what he really wanted to say?"

I lift my head, looking at her, then getting up quickly.

"I gotta go, thanks for the help Luce!" I hug her for less than a second, storming off right after.

When I get home, I walk towards Ben's room; I take my shoes off, and I lay behind him, feeling my eyes watering again.

"Hey" I whisper, putting my arm around his body and holding my breath.

"Hm?" He mumbles, keeping his eyes shut and making me shake my head.

"Nothing... goodnight."

I close my eyes, letting tears fall and trying not to sob too loudly. He takes my hand, pulling me a little closer as my chest tightens, probably for all the crying.

We both fall asleep within ten seconds.