Lovers

Ch 3: New Rules

"I keep pushin' forwards, but he keeps pullin' me backwards. Nowhere to turn, no way, nowhere to turn, no. Now I'm standin' back from it, I finally see the pattern. I never learn, (I never learn). But my love (my love), he doesn't love me. So I tell myself, I tell myself. I do, I do, I do. One: Don't pick up the phone. You know he's only callin' 'cause he's drunk and alone. Two: Don't let him in. You'll have to kick him out again. Three: Don't be his friend. You know you're gonna wake up in his bed in the morning. And if you're under him, you ain't gettin' over him." 

New Rules- Dua Lipa

--

"And so then my little cousin Sophia ran into a pole trying to tag her brother." Ben laughs. I try to follow the conversation as best as I can, but I have difficulty paying attention to people if I'm the slightest bored.

Here I am on a Monday night, at a dead restaurant, going on a "date" with a guy I met a couple of days ago in my summer Biology class. He's a clean-cut. Smells good. Has nice teeth. I mean there pretty white and only a few of his bottom teeth are a bit crooked, but definitely not noticeable. His skin was tan, and his eyes were dark. His hair was kept short, and I can tell he didn't care for it.

I've analyzed him head to toe, knowing every mark on his face, and yet I still had no idea what the fuck he was talking about.

"What would you have done?" He suddenly asks me, and I'm afraid that I have no answer for him, and that my zone out session is going to bite me in the ass.

I stare aimlessly, and decide to look down at the bar table we sit at. I chuckle slightly, and reply, "I don't know really. It's quite funny."

"I would of hit her. Probably would of gotten my ass whooped but hey, I was a tough kid." He slurps on his coke a cola, before preceding, "So what was your childhood like?" His eyes hold curiosity.

I've kept a lot of my life private to everyone aside from my roommate Lana-- Her and I clicked instantly, and I'm proud to say she's come to be a good friend of mine. She reminds me a lot like Alice, speaking of which, I miss her like crazy, but it's hard to be around her without thinking about Jake, "Quick and boring."

"Come on, everyone has a childhood story to gush about." He probes.

"What? I swear." I laugh, awkwardly. It's nothing special. Mom. Dad. No siblings. Parents worked all the time." Sadness fell across my eyes because I know everything in between the half-truths.

I was an abused child. Nice to meet you.

"All I had was my best friend."

"What was their name?" His excitement from his voice didn't last long from my "mediocre" childhood life story.

"Her name was Lauren. We haven't spoken in months." My voice is growing more and more solemn, as I begin to realize my life has been a mess because of her. 

That's my probably maybe. I blame everyone else for how my life is turning out. Who's the real enemy? Lauren? Serena? Ledger? JC? My father? My mother? Jake? Maybe I should look at the mirror and think about my decisions in life.

No, I'll continue to blame liars, rapists, and abusers... and Jake.

"Your life is sounding sadder and sadder."

I roll my eyes, but I don't comment on his bluntness because it is the truth.

"Sorry." He says, "but hey, you're an adult now, life isn't going to be so bland with me bugging the shit out of you during bio."

My life hasn't been bland. I want to say it. I want to scream it. It sure hasn't been the best life to live. But I did find someone to love, whether it was reckless and thoughtless with my world crumbling. It was the least blandest part of my life. I don't regret a minute of it.