Lovers

Ch. 18: i love you

i love you- Billie Eilish

"You didn't mean to say "I love you." I love you and I don't want to...The smile that you gave me even when you felt like dying. We fall apart as it gets dark. I'm in your arms in Central Park. There's nothing you could do or say. I can't escape the way, I love you. I don't want to, but I love you."

-

"Where the fuck have you been?" Lana accuses, as soon as I shut the door.

I grin, side eying her as I take off my bag, "Out, my mother," I tease.

"Attitude. I like it," she jumps from her bed, fixing the bed hair. "How's everything?"

I pause for a moment, really thinking of the answer. I don't feel guilt or regret. Instead, I feel confident and accomplished. "Okay, really okay," I nod confidently.

"Just okay?" She asks quizzically as I rummage through our mini fridge for something to munch on.

"Yeah," I pull out a water bottle, taking a guzzle, "Okay."

"Even if you hooked up with your ex?" She probes further.

"How'd you know I hooked up on him on the 4th?" I choke out, my lips wet from the water.

She tilts her head, a sly smile from my confession"I didn't, I was talking about the time I walked in on you guys, but I guess that happens when you still love the guy."

I nod, not feeling the shame I did before.

"What about Ben?"

"I don't know. I'm not really into him like I thought I was." I was lying to myself. He's was a distraction, and I hate that I used him, but I can't deny that was only his purpose. I tend to do this a lot when it comes to Jake, but it's uncalled for and a waste of people's time, still, I can't help but yearn for the same affections but from another. To see if someway I can feel the same love that I had with Jake with someone else, but it never happens. Not truly. There was Marcus, he was kind, and we had a lot of things in common, but he came in at the wrong time.

Lana hums out, before turning back around to her bed. She lazily sits down, taking a wooden pencil, and begins to write down in her notebook.

I can't help but cringe at her judgment. We barely met 2 months ago, and yet I'm discomforted at her disapproval. "I'm going to the library to catch up on some stuff," I state.

She hums, not paying much attention to me. I take my bio binder and my textbook. I look back to her one last time; maybe she doesn't care? I don't know. Before I overthink it, I shut the door, heading out of the building.

The place is quiet, but what do I expect in a library, there's a few people here and the librarian. My mind can't think straight as I attempt to do the homework. But my subconscious won't drop Lana's eyes. She didn't say anything for me to be unsettled, but it's what she didn't say. I spent most of my summer crying over Jake, and it took one weekend. One fucking weekend. I'm already in his world again. I told myself this wouldn't happen, but like she said, I still love him, and when you truly love someone, you'll drop anything for them, even your mental health, if it meant that there's would stop tormenting theirs.

"I don't think that's the answer," someone says over my shoulder.

I turn, and Ben smiles shyly, before taking a seat next to me.

I look down at my notepad, noticing I've given up on my work, and began making swirlings. I chuckle, shutting my notebook, "I came here to focus, but it didn't help much. He nods, gazing down at the table.

"Hey, so what happened at the party? You just up and left, and then you ghosted me. Messed up." He says bluntly, but no hostility is laced in his voice.