Lovers

Ch. 13: To be So Lonely

To Be So Lonely- Harry Styles

"I was away, and I'm just an arrogant son of a bitch. Who can't admit when he's sorry. Don't call me "baby" again. You got your reasons. I know that you're tryna be friends. I know you mean it, but don't call me "baby" again. It's hard for me to go home. Be so lonely."

--

When I walk in my front door, I already know Terry isn't home. He's never here. The unfortunate part of it is I don't think he notices when I'm gone. Shortly after my parents died, there was this rift between us that no one could fix. We only had each other, but this swelling isolation between the two of us didn't falter. I wish I knew what pulled Terry away from me.

Growing up, all I wanted to be was him. He was everything to me. At one point, I would die for the bastard, and I felt like he would do the same. Now I don't think he would do the same. The first order of business is packing. I'm not taking everything with me. I'll have to commute back and forth for the Underground's sake. Shit, am I getting ahead of myself? Where the fuck am I going to live, I drop any clothes that I am trying to stuff into trash bags. I reach my phone and type the phrase, "how to find a roommate" god if I were a girl I'd be murdered in the second act. The number one site to find one is Craigslist. Fucking craigslist.

I call this website rape central. I could go out on my own, but I'm not willing to pay two apartments, especially in fucking California.

It feels like hours rolls by before I find a match. It's a bit of a stretch really; the guy muses he's a gamer at heart and is a heavy sleeper. It gives a lot of leverage for someone to break into our house and stealing all his games. It's a two-bedroom apartment, on the second floor. It's in the heart of San Jose. There's no picture of him, but the room that he posted up looks spacey. I'm not planning on fully living there, just a place to rest when commuting back on fourth. Is it worth it? I'm spending all this money so that I can be near Dawn. I should have never got back in contact with her. Now she's trying to fix me, but I didn't even know I was broken until she basically spat at me.

I hear the front door open. Terry's keys jingle as he walks in and stops momentarily, where I'm perched at our kitchen table. My laptop is still on, as I roam over the possibility of contacting the guy.

"Hey," he looks at his phone.

"Hi," before I can say anything else, he begins to walk down the hall to his bedroom.

Maybe, uncle, Jeff is right, but he and Terry are the only family I have.

"I have to talk to you." Terry stops at his door. He turns my way, but still, he doesn't care to look at me.

"What's up," Terry asks. I clear my throat before staring down at my jeans. How do I say it? He now looks to me, shutting his phone and putting it in his back pocket, "Jake?"

"Have you noticed I've been gone?" I ask, instead.

He doesn't answer, shrugging his shoulders as if it's an appropriate reply.

"You've been gone? Huh," he walks into the foyer, leaning against it with his arms tucked underneath him.

"Yes," I answer tiredly.

"Okay. Where did you go? I'm assuming you want me to ask you that."

"No, Terry," I sigh out, "I— I saw Dawn."

"Oh," now he's in the kitchen, a deep frown etching him. "Why?"

"I'm not okay. I don't know how long I haven't been, but I haven't. I needed to see her, and I thought I could fix things, but I didn't. I just made things worst because she wants to be friends and-"

"Wait, hold up? Friends?"

"That's all you took from that. I'm not okay."

"What do you even mean by that. Okay? From my understanding, okay equals that you have a roof over your head, food on the table, and money coming from the door. Find a new broad."This would be the part where I lash out, and I strangle him, but I'm too emotionally drained to move, so instead, I laugh.

He furrows his brows, "What's so funny?"

"I'm moving out," I say, before turning back to the laptop.

"W-why? What do you even mean," I can hear the panic in his voice now. It's so subtle; you might think it wasn't there.

"You heard me. You said it yourself months ago. Your names on the lease. This place should be your responsibility," I say monotonously. Before I can think further, I tap on the notify proceeding Craigslist. Lenny Franklin. He sounds like an older man. The age on his profiler says 22, though.

"Well, I didn't really mean it," he tried to laugh it off, but I don't give in, leaning against my computer chair.

"If you're still worried about the rent, I can still help you out," pressing send to Lenny before I can think twice.

"I mean, it's not that," he waits for a response that I don't have. He continues to remain silent, but I instead click into my email to await confirmation from my soon to be roommate, "Jake?" I finally gaze at him.

"What?"

"Don't make me say it."

"Say what?"

Us Dennings boys don't know how to express our feelings, but I'll let him stammer.

"We've lived together since you're fucking birth. I think it would benefit both of us if you stayed."

"You know Terry, I wish I could, but it wouldn't help me. It would help you. You're rarely here, Terry."

"Then, I'll be here for you, whatever you need, man."

"No," I look back to the screen to see two new emails from Lenny. I hover over one. "It's too late now." I look back to his defeated eyes. "I'll still be around. Underground, remember? I got to stay within distance, but I need someone to keep me in check, and Dawn's willing to be there for me. Even after all the things I've done to her."

Terry doesn't say anything after that, staring aimlessly at the computer screen. The one I bought. The one I provided when the old one broke down. Where was he when it broke? In his bed, broken ribs, broken legs, so I strung myself up in the ring so we could have food on the table. I never needed him to survive, but I can't say the same thing for him.

"I'll be leaving in a few days. Alice and Dawn will be around to help me pack whatever." It doesn't take him long after storming out the living room dramatically. A few cracks on the house and I hear another hole in the wall.