Lovers

Ch. 4: when the party's over

when the party's over- Billie Eilish 

"Don't you know I'm no good for you? I've learned to lose you, can't afford to. Tore my shirt to stop you bleedin'. But nothin' ever stops you leavin'. Quiet when I'm coming home and I'm on my own... Don't you know too much already? I'll only hurt you if you let me. And I'll call you when the party's over. Quiet when I'm coming home and I'm on my own. And I could lie, say I like it like that, like it like that. Yeah, I could lie, say I like it like that, like it like that. But nothin' is better sometimes. Once we've both said our goodbyes. Let's just let it go. Let me let you go."

Life before him was so much easier, but it was quiet. An experience less impactful than you'd ever expect. I didn't crave the drama of high school or being popular, but throwing Jake in my life caused everything to fall onto my shoulders. Aside from being popular, I just got the drama. Everything that I built from my past that made me stronger came crumbling down. All the walls were falling at my feet, but this time the walls are taller and stronger, and they won't break because of him.

Why give him the satisfaction of closure? I know I need it to, that's the only reason why agreed at all. This is a healthy solution, and I can't think of myself. Jake has dealt through things as well, and this should be for him-- no matter how shitty last night went, I owe him that, and he owes me an explanation of what happened the night things ended.

 It felt like miles before finally seeing the coffeehouse. I can already see him sitting down through the window.

I enter the building, his eyes immediately finding mine, or more so his sunglasses. Two coffee mugs sit at the table. Warm and steaming. Mine already has cream and sugar, and I side-eye him as I sit across the table.

"I hope you don't mind; I just decided to put what you like in yours." His voice is rough in contrast to the joyous environment.

"It's fine. Thanks." I say shortly. My index finger traces the rim, and the smell of my coffee causes my mouth to water. "Where are staying while you're down here?"

"My uncle."

I nod my head, "Have you visited anyone else while up here?"

"No. Just you." He answers shortly.

"Oh well, I'd thought you'd visit Kevin?"

"I'm sure you were thinking of Kevin, or maybe Alicia." He raises his head slightly at the ceiling.

"Just curious."

"When aren't you. Look, can we get past the small talk. It's uncomfortable, and it's not us. Where do we start on the relationship that we ruined?"

I nearly spit out my coffee when he implies our ending was due to both of us, "Excuse me, sir. Do you have brain damage?"

"It takes two to end a relationship."

"No, it took me to end it with you because you failed me." He winces at my choice of words.

"Give me the bashing. I yearn for it." He sighs loudly, staring at the steam that floats into the air.

"It's only the truth," I say quietly.

"Yeah, because it's everyone's fault except yours, right? You didn't try hard enough."

"I didn't try enough!?" I nearly shout, "A normal relationship isn't based on one hour a week, let alone the first two meetings were two weeks apart!" I'm already out of breath now.

Silence settles around us, and the more it lasts, the more horrible I feel about the situation. 

"So where do we start?" My demeanor much calmer now from letting out my anger earlier.