Lovers

Ch. 8: Stargirl

I had a vision. A vision of my nails in the kitchen. Scratching countertops. I was screaming. My back arched like a cat, my position couldn't stop you were hitting it. And I shouldn't cry, but I love it, Starboy. And I shouldn't cry, but I love it, (I love it), Starboy. And I shouldn't cry, but I love it, Starboy. And I shouldn't cry, but I love it, Starboy. 

I just want to see you shine 'cause I know you are a Stargirl.

Stargirl- The Weeknd  feaut. Lana Del Rey

-

His tongue his rough against mine. His fingers are grazing at my sides, lifting me on the counter. My thoughts always overcloud what I'm thinking, so instead, I let my hands do what they want. They travel down his torso to his pants, hovering over his belt. Before I can undo it, Jake pushes me into the cupboards, my head banging on the wooden doors. If his mouth didn't consume me, I would be worried about if anyone could hear us.

Are we inevitable? Is this what my mouth is telling me? Is it his? If it's so unavoidable, then why aren't we together? We aren't together for a reason, and the reason being is he's not willing to try for our relationship. He decides to storm back into my life, pressing bruises into my mouth, and I'm supposed to take it?

I wish it were that easy. I want to enjoy his desperate moans, but instead, I'm met with strangled cries from the back of my throat, causing my lips to quiver around his. He pulls from me, a scowl presses to him, his palms rising to my chin. He doesn't say anything, just lets me sob between his hands, his thumbs caressing my tears off my cheeks.

After a few minutes, I begin to calm down, getting a grip of my surroundings, Jakes scowl hasn't faltered, but he still doesn't speak. Doesn't try to reassure me everything will be okay. That somehow we will survive this. From what? Ourselves? Our flaws, failures? 

"I deserve more than this." I muster out, staring at his chest, not wanting to connect our eyes, for the tears will start up again.

He still says nothing, and that just fills anger instead of sadness that is present in my eyes.

"We can't do this. Ever again, and I mean it. I don't think you get that." My hands ghost over his, dragging them down to his sides, "We aren't benefits anymore. I want you, but I know I can't have you."

"You make it sound like it's easy." Jake finally says.

"What's easy?"

"Life without you."

"You think it's easy for me?" I ask astonishingly, "It's not. I miss you even now when you're right in fucking front of me. I miss us all the time, but our situation isn't easy." I look down to the floor, noticing my hands are gripping his hard, comforting me in some way.

"So, what are you trying to say," Jake asks, breathing heavily.

I snap back up, noticing he's beginning to stress by his increase of breath and the shakes between his fingers.

"We should just try to be friends."

"Friends." He scoffs, snatching his hands from mine. He swipes one hand through his unruly hair in frustration. "Dawn, I've been inside you. Came inside you. Been in fucking love with you, and you want us to be just friends."

"That's all I can give you. I'm not going to just run back into your arms. What do you want from me?"

"You. Just you."

"You're ridiculous. That's not fair. I can't. I don't even know if I..."

"If you what?"

I turn away from him, afraid of my obscure words.