•the thirtieth•

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"Why did you raped Silvey?". I walked back to the sofa.
"Don't act like it's my fault".
"Well, it is Shawn".
"No, i was forced i tried to keep myself and my love alive!".
I nogged and laughed.

He is joking right!?

"I just tried to keep her alive".
"Sure Shawn".
"I mean it Lilia... like you never made any mistakes in your life".
"Are you really trying to make me feel bad about My mistakes i made so i would blame myself instead of you?!".
He looked to his feet heaved his shoulders.
"That's lame Shawn even for you". His head shoots up, looked me deeply in my eyes.
"Why even for me... i did nothing whats lame Lilia!".
"Raping is lame!".
"Is it still lame if that's the only way to stay alive?".
"Shawn it's not funny... people have trauma's by it which are hunting them down for the rest of their life every day".
He looked down realizing what he had done.
"Sorry, I'm really sorry".
"Shawn 'Sorry' means nothing anymore".
"What do i need to change now it already happened...really Lilia what do you want!?".
Then it hits me that he was right. He can't change anything.

What if he told me the truth the whole time... Did i hurt him?

All of a sudden my brain blamed me again not only Because of what's happening now but also from everything that I've done in the past.

"I... want... i want you... i want you to shut up".
"Lilia i said nothing".
I didn't hear him at all only the voice from the second shooter in my head i don't know how HE came into my mind like he was a person i know...

that's imposable i don't know anybody who kills. Only people who kill minds and dreams.

"You did this you it's your fault Lilia... Lilia woodsome who blames everybody but herself for what they did!" The shooter screamed in my mind.
"Shut up!". Covered instinctively my ears with my hands. Scared to hear more of this bullshit. It's not from outside it's inside my head. It made no sense.
"Remember what you did ... sorry, what you DIDN'T you think you can stop everything... funny you couldn't even stop a simple thing. You couldn't even say 'no' that's weak Lilia just the same girl back then...".
"No shut up shut up shut up... I'm not weak!" I screamed on the top of my lungs.

"Lilia wow calm down okay nobody is here!"
I was still in shock and heard the shooter talking to me.
"Shut... what?".
Realizing that he wanted to calm me. "I...". i wanted do start explaining what just happened but the gunshot overpowered my voice.

the thirtieth died.

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