Going Further {on hold}

Chapter Twelve: Love Hurts

"Seonghwa we have to talk."

Seonghwa turned to meet the hesitant gaze of Hongjoong who stood on the porch nervously shuffling on his feet and biting his lip. Hongjoong noticed just how dark the bags under the older boy's eyes were and felt a pang of guilt. He knew that Seonghwa hadn't been sleeping well and even though he insisted on sleeping on the couch Hongjoong hadn't put up an argument. He felt horrible to admit that while he sorted through his own feelings being near Seonghwa was far too difficult.

The past few weeks that Wooyoung went missing had given the older boy a lot of time to reflect on their relationship. Before that day on the beach Seonghwa had only known Wooyoung as his friend. There was a never ending supply of broken hearts the purple haired boy left in his wake. He got bored easily and treated love like it was something to be used for cheap amusement. He was loud, impulsive and way too reckless for his own good...

But underneath all of that he was also one of the most sensitive people Seonghwa had ever known. The indifference that he treated those boys with was probably something he used to protect himself from actually caring. But maybe Wooyoung was terrified of falling in love because when he did fall...

he fell hopelessly.

The oldest felt like he'd learned a little too late just how deeply the younger boy wanted to love and be loved by someone in return. So Seonghwa wondered if maybe he had fallen for him. Even if it was just a little...

I do love him.

Seonghwa eyes widened at the thought. Hongjoong stepped off the porch and made his way over the grass. The way the moon shone down on him took Seonghwa's breath away. His boyfriend was still the most beautiful person he'd ever seen. Even now he felt his heart beat quicken when he thought of how soft his lips felt or how his pretty eyes looked into Seonghwa's when they'd made love for the first time right here under the stars. He felt guilt dampen his thoughts and he cast his eyes to the ground ashamed. He knew that they would have to talk sooner or later but even so his stomach twisted into knots in dread.

Surely it was too selfish to hope to love them both.

He watched as his boyfriend came and sat down next to him folding his legs over the grass. He wanted to be honest but didn't want to hurt Hongjoong with this realization. "Joongie—" Seonghwa started before he felt the younger boy's fingers lace through his. He glanced up at him and saw Hongjoong smiling through tears back at him.

"I can't help it Hwa," He said tearfully. His eyes darted between the older boy's as if looking for an answer there.

"Hey it's alright," Seonghwa said as he brushed a strand of hair out of the younger's eyes and cupping his cheek. "Don't worry I'm here—"

"I love you," Hongjoong said. He placed a hand over his mouth before he let a sob escape. "But I love Woo too..." The relief was immediate but the pain was nearly unbearable. I don't deserve Seonghwa, who would possibly want only half of someone's heart? Hongjoong thought casting his eyes to the ground. He didn't want to see the older boy's expression. But I can't keep lying because all that's done has hurt everyone...

The confession was so quiet Seonghwa wasn't sure if he'd heard him right. But if he loves Wooyoung then that means... He tilted Hongjoong's chin up until their eyes met and he kissed him gently. His lips were undeniably soft and he melted under Seonghwa's touch. He'd missed this. He'd missed them...

"Don't cry baby," Seonghwa chided before dabbing the tears from the younger boy's wet cheeks. Hongjoong nodded and sniffed cupping his hands over his boyfriend's. "I-I think I understand now," Seonghwa said hesitantly. "I think I feel the same way you do..."

Hongjoong's eyes widened slightly. "You mean you feel the same way about Wooyoung?"

Seonghwa furrowed his brows as he returned his boyfriend's gaze. "Yes... I just, I don't know what this means for us..." He answered perplexed. Seonghwa knew without a doubt how he felt but had not idea where they would go from here...

How would this work exactly?

"I don't know what we should do either... But we need to figure everything out with Wooyoung." Hongjoong said seriously and Seonghwa nodded his head in agreement. The only problem they now faced was how they could find a way to talk to him. It was as if the younger boy had fallen from the face of the Earth.

"So what do we do now?" Hongjoong asked biting his lip. "We can't find Wooyoung, no one has heard from him... God what if something happened?" He said miserably. The weight of that afternoon in the studio came crashing down on him and he fought the urge to cry. "Even if his feelings have changed I just want to know that he's safe..."

"I do too Joongie," Seonghwa said solemnly as he wracked his brain for a solution. "How about we look around Seoul for him tomorrow? We can take the car and stop by his parents house and his old friends to check with them. We can hit up some places that he hung out at and ask around there too..."

Hongjoong nodded his head in agreement and held Seonghwa's hand, smiling when he gripped back tightly. "Let's get to bed then."

Seonghwa's eyes widened a bit and his cheeks flushed with color. "A-are you sure?" He asked hesitantly. He'd been sleeping on the couch for weeks to give Hongjoong and himself some much needed space. Even though they'd made up he wasn't sure how close Hongjoong wanted to be considering their newfound feelings. His boyfriend leveled him with a tender look before kissing him. It was slow and reminded him so much of the first time their lips had ever touched. His stomach filled with butterflies at the sweet unexpected feeling.

"I'm not going to hold back anymore," Hongjoong said sincerely. "I've wasted so much time being afraid that I could've spent on loving you. Or loving Woo..." This last part he said quietly as if he was still afraid that it would hurt him.

But Seonghwa smiled widely erasing all of his doubts. "Then let's both not hold back. Let's bring Woo home to us where he belongs..."

***

San was running on fumes as he stood with his hands on his knees panting. The sound of his breathing was loud in the empty dance studio. "Not... not good enough..." He panted to himself before straightening up. He wiped the sweat from his brow and started from the top. His muscles were on fire but he didn't plan on stopping until everything was perfect. Until he was perfect.

His clothes were soaked through with sweat as he moved expertly through the choreography. His heartbeat thundered in his ears and his lungs ached but still he kept practicing. The younger boy had ignored every attempt to reach him and with it the betrayal San felt grew. He was his best friend.

Since Wooyoung left weeks ago San had thrown himself into his role as an idol. It was at those times that he could distract himself enough from the heartache, the loneliness, the anger... God the fucking anger.

So San pushed himself even harder letting it fuel his movements. He kept dancing until he staggered and fell barely catching himself before he hit the ground. He laid himself on the floor with his shaky arms and looked up at the ceiling.

He knew Wooyoung all too well. He didn't have to speak to him to know where he'd gone or what he was up to. San could take a guess. He was probably getting completely shitfaced somewhere or balls deep in someone he barely knew and the more San thought about the more pissed off he got. Pissed off that he would choose the company of strangers over someone he'd known for years, someone who loves-

No, loved.

These feelings were nothing but poison and he wanted them gone. He needed to distance himself just as Wooyoung did. Maybe then, maybe only then, would this irritating emotion disappear. He shut his eyes as his chest rapidly rose and fell and he couldn't say if it was only sweat that ran down his cheeks...

This ends here because loving Woo brings nothing but pain.