No Never Yes||Prinxiety||

I Wonder Why I'm Alive- Virgil

"When we both know you're cruel and we both know you're right. I could listen to you like a fool all night."

CW: Mild Anxiety Attack, nothing particularly graphic

I wandered out to the parking lot, looking for Jan's car. I couldn't avoid telling them about this whole disaster. They would find out one way or another, it was best they heard it from me. They could help me even, make sure I didn't do anything too stupid. One way or another, I was going to get out of this stupid musical with as much dignity as I could. If that was even possible.

I pulled up to the car, only to find Remus and Jan both sitting in the driver's seat together. Whatever they were doing, the pair was definitely wrapped up in their own thoughts. They were so intertwined with each other, they didn't immediately notice me there. I knocked on the window. Remus turned his head to the right and rolled down the window. "Can I help you?"

"Get off of him, we have a problem." My voice was strained. Remus sighed and slid over to the passenger side as I got in the back seat.  "I'm royally screwed over, you guys." I sighed as I banged my head against the headrest.

"What's the verdict? Can't have been all that bad, you're smiling a little," Dee pointed at my face. Was I smiling? I hadn't noticed. I tried my best to keep an, ironically, straight face. "What did the witch say?"

I spat it out quickly, knowing there was no other way I would tell them. "Kleinman cast me in the musical as Roman's love interest!" I knew I was blushing furiously (I was embarrassed, okay?) so I hid my face in my hands.

"WHAT?!" They spoke at the same time and with the same amount of disbelief.

"That was my reaction too..."

"There wasn't any other option?" Jan looked at me like this was my fault, which it was. God, I sucked.

"I can't do a month-long suspension, dude. You know what my mom would say. Rehearsal starts tomorrow," I tossed the script at Remus, who began flipping through the pages quickly. "And I want to die."

"Gee, that's rough. On the bright side, you'll be a very angsty prince. The girls will think you're so dark and mysterious." Remus teased me. I kicked his chair and snatched the script back. He never missed an opportunity to mess with me. I looked at an open page of the script and felt my heart drop.

"Whatever, I just want to get home and have a crisis."

"Say no more." Jan stepped on the gas and we barreled down the road, my hands tightly gripping the libretto book. I failed to notice the worried glances the pair shot at me from the rearview mirror.
——

I quickly ran into my house without a second thought and tossed my bag into my room as I threw myself on the bed. My craving for death grew stronger every second, but then I thought about Roman, that arrogantly beautiful boy.

How fucked up was I that I was attracted to my enemy? I suppose we were never 'declared' enemies, we were just so different. How could we not hate each other? When we were younger, Roman had been a nice kid. He changed in 8th grade into this bastard that ran the school. Never really figured out why. He said things about me that I hated to hear, but I knew he was right. I almost wanted him to tell me what he hated about me so I could listen and change myself.

I went into my bathroom and found my black nail polish sitting on the counter. I grabbed it and sat at my desk painting my nails, thinking about how I was willing to change myself for some guy I had a few awkward interactions with. He may not be some guy! that one part of my mind protested. He could be your soulmate. The one who'll be with you forever!

I was willing to believe in opposites attract, but you have to draw a line somewhere. Some opposites were just too far gone. How could he ever like someone like me? I told him what I was: a nightmare. He would have to be a whole new level of incalculable stupid to still try and flirt with me. He wasn't even gay. He was better suited for some vapid self-aggrandizing female that was exciting and vibrant. He liked people who were everything I wasn't.

My mom opened my door and peeked in. "You hungry? I brought you something from downstairs. It's microwaveable, so don't hold out hope for high-class cuisine." She held out the plastic container, leaning against the doorframe.

I sighed and took it from her. "Thanks, Mom."

"Any sightings of the elusive soulmate? I do hope he's cute," she smiled. She had known I was gay since the 9th grade. "But you'll have to settle if he's not."

I lied easily. "No, no ideas yet. You'll be the first to know." I smiled back.

She seemed relatively satisfied with that answer, so she left me in peace. I struggled through my homework, head swimming. I felt my eyes prickling with tears, just threatening to spill over the edge. Really? Now? I walked into my bathroom, closed the door, stared into the mirror, and began to let the tears fall freely.

My anxiety attacks were always odd to me. I knew they were different for everyone, but mine struck me from nowhere. I just spontaneously started to cry and lose my mind. I pulled at my hair and watched my eyes become red and puffy. A million thoughts swarmed through my head, I barely had time to register them all. Why did I let Remus goad me into this? Why did Roman flirt with me and then looked surprised when I did it? Was I imagining him flirting? How am I supposed to sing in front of everyone? Why am I alive?

My mind was spiraling, I needed to do something. Anything. I turned the tap in my bathtub and let it fill up. When it had reached about halfway full, I sat down in the water, not even caring enough to change my clothes. There wasn't a point. I hugged my knees close to my chest and leaned my head against the stone tile behind me, feeling warm tears streak my face.

I didn't even know why I was crying. There could have been so many different reasons. Lamentation over Roman. Mourning the fact I would lose all credibility I had to the play. The smudged eyeshadow that I had apparently been walking around in all day. I could take my pick. After staring at the blank wall for 30 minutes, I got out and changed out of my sopping wet clothes. No use being uncomfortable if it wasn't going to be helpful.

I changed into a comfortable black tank top and shorts and slipped between my sheets. I would clean up the mess I had made on my desk tomorrow. I closed my eyes and fell asleep, thinking about how close I had been standing to Roman Princeton.