CHAOS

29 - The Guilt

A frantic Chaos and an angry Maddox walk into a bar ...

Thank you to all of you guys who always leave lovely comments. This is dedicated to all of you 💖

Chaos POV

I was beyond pissed.
My blood pumping through my veins, running down the cuts in my knuckles and making my head ring.
I felt the adrenaline storm my system, knives still in hand, as I watched Archer laying on the cold concrete.
I needed more.
I needed to feel more.

In truth it was in moments like these where I felt human, where I felt the most emotion... even if it was anger.
My mind had been beaten and broken down so much over the years the only emotion I often felt was rage... not sadness or empathy, just anger. My brain seems to filter out all the humanity and focuses solely on what will feed the beast.
He craves it, to feel alive from the rush.
And I do too.

The prospects soon came in and dragged his unconscious body out of church.
My heart and head still pounding, fists still clenched... ready to find any willing target.

"Chaos" Erik's authoritative voice cut through the tense silence. "You good son?"
I nodded.
If I spoke he would know.
I can't let him know the dark thoughts swirling in my mind.
Rushing from the room I made my way to the parking lot, crouching down beside the red brick of the clubhouse.
My hands felt the tarmac, my body needing to feel grounded as my mind raged on its own accord.

Chaos chaos chaos...
I knew you wouldn't amount to much.
A disappointment to your name, and to your family.

And to Lennox.
What would she think if she could see you now huh?
You can't even feel for her. Your empty heart craves her love, but you'll never be able to give it back to her.

How could you?
All you feel is aggression, it consumes you.
I suppose that's my fault right?

My head was filled with his laughter. The taunts of a man who has mocked me my whole life. The voice of the man who throughout all my childhood, made me feel so insignificant.

The voice of the man who killed my dreams, my future and the people I love.

Yes, there's not much I remember about my past or from before I went to war.
I'd blocked out that shit years ago. It was the reason I lived on the streets before I enlisted. The reason I ran from home, from him.

The beast did the rest, he consumed my mind and made me forget everything sane about myself.
He made me forget who I was, and turned me into his minion. His weapon of chaos.

For years this voice has shaped my every action. The voice in my head the ever present reminder of all that I have done.

The voice of this man doesn't let me feel... doesn't let me control my own mind, actions or emotions.

My sanity is dependent on the voice of the man who used to beat me and my mother.
The voice which has reduced me to nothing, a shell of the man I used to be.
A man who can only feel anger... or fear.
Fear of his actions, fear of how he will contort and rearranged every one of my thoughts and turn them into darkness.
He is the reason I'm like this, I'm truly disgusted in the person I have become. No longer a sweet little boy... a man who went to war and back.
A war of his mind and a war for his country.

Just to get away from him, even if just for a small while.

It all comes back to him.

~~~~~~~

I woke up the next morning in the bar, surrounded by bottles and broken glass from my slumped position in the floor.
I drink to forget the sound of his voice, and it definitely worked this time.

This was a rare morning where I woke up to silence. Just like when I woke up next to Lennox.

Lennox. Shit!
I needed to talk to her.

Frantically I was up, running round the clubhouse like a headless chicken, in search for my misplaced cell phone.

Where the fuck was it.
Shit Fuck Crap Shit
Dammit!!!
I needed to find it, I needed to know she was okay.

I asked any man I saw if they had seen it, I checked every unlocked room, every surface, even church. Nothing.
I saw Maddox walk into the bar, I rush to him, I needed to know if he had it.

As soon as I got to him, his fist swung out and clocked me in the jaw.
My head was thrown back out of shock, a throbbing pain settling into my cheek.

But he didn't stop there.
"You fucking idiot!" He seethes as his fist came down again.
"Are you seriously stupid Chaos! You tell her to call you when she needs you. And YOU DON'T FUCKING ANSWER WHEN SHE DOES.
I had to sit up and listen to her crying, not knowing what to do! She wouldn't even let me help her.
SHE ONLY WANTED YOU!
Her own blood wasn't good enough, she's so far under your fucked up spell that she has to depend on you to feel better.
She's a vulnerable girl Chaos, not a jockey that you can cast aside.
Don't you know that?!?!!"

My heart was heavy. His words sinking in with his assaults.
My body accepted it.

"Maddox let me explain please!" I took hold of his arms, a desperate look taking over my features.
"I've lost my phone Brother. You know I'd never hurt her. She means everything to me and I hate myself for getting so attached.

I know I'll let her down, I already have so much. You have every right to hate me.
But please just let me use your phone to call her back.

Please Maddox."
I wasn't ashamed to beg, not when it comes to her.

In the back of my mind I heard him again, the calm of my morning well and truly disrupted.
I deserved to feel his pain.

"I've already tried calling Em back. No one answered.
We leave tomorrow. You can speak with her then. If she has any sense at all, she'll know she's worth so much more than you."
He pushed me aside and left the room, slamming doors and storming through the corridors.

I let it all sink in.

Erik was sat on the other side of the room, presumably he'd heard everything.
He beckoned me over to his table, and I obeyed, sorting down next to him.

My head a cocktail of screaming emotion.

I hated myself.

He looked to me, and I to him. Before the tears broke through the surface.
His hands rested on my shoulders reassuringly, trying to calm me down.
"It'll be alright son... he's just angry. Partly at himself. He took it out on you."

The only people who had ever seen me cry was him, and Erik.
It had been years, the day Erik found me in on the streets digging through dumpsters.
He took me in when I was broken, and made me his son.
For once I had a loving family. For the first time in what seemed like forever.
I cried that day, and I cried today.

I felt myself break.
Everything that has been blocked out over the years rushing to the surface.

The beast laughed through my pain, he had won.

Finally, the voice of my Father had broke me.

Just like it had all those years ago.

Chaos :'(
I hope you guys enjoyed a proper insight into his mind, and you can fully understand his character now.

He really is a broken man.

But can two broken people come together and make each other whole?

Stay tuned to find out xoxo