How to Disappear - Chealisa

Chapter 15

"Are you fucking crazy?" Jennie gapes, trying to fathom why, after everything she'd told her, Lisa would choose to be somebody else.

"Excuse me?" Lisa raises her eyebrows as if the accusation is completely unwarranted.

"It's an honest question, Lisa – oh, I'm sorry, Praewa," Jennie shoots back and watches as Lisa flinches from the anger in her voice, "Because if I'm not mistaken, I believe you spent the past six hours telling me all about how in love you are with a woman that you can't be with because instead you're here, hiding out in the middle of fucking nowhere. And now you're going to stand here and tell me that this place is your home? That this is where you'd rather be even though nothing's standing in your way of going back to Seoul?"

"You have no idea what you're talking about," Lisa mumbles and sinks down to her couch, trying to look anywhere but at the furious dark haired girl standing in front of her.

"Oh, I don't? Then enlighten me, Lisa, please. Tell me what huge chunk of information I'm missing here. What's the plot twist this time?"

"I can't just go back," Lisa spits out, finally meeting Jennie's eyes, "Don't you get that? I can't just walk back into my life like everything's perfect and nothing happened. Lisa Manoban is dead, Jennie. I'm dead."

When Jennie's face softens, Lisa continues, "And I made that choice, y'know? I made the choice to leave Seoul and everyone I love behind, including Chaeyoung. I didn't even – God, I didn't even think it through, really. In a spur-of-the-moment decision I left everything in the dust."

"You did it to protect Chaeyoung."

"Did I?" Lisa laughs, a mixture of sadness and bitterness evident in her voice, "That's what I told myself in the moment – that I was doing it for Chaeyoung. And that's what Gabriel believes and – fuck, maybe I even believed it for a little while, too. But do you want to know the real reason why I did it?" Lisa doesn't wait for Jennie to respond, instead exhales heavily and continues, "I was afraid. A man held a gun to my chest with every intention of killing me and he pulled the trigger. And the idea that he was still out there somewhere... that fucking terrified me more than anything else."

"There's nothing wrong with that, Lisa. You had every right to be afraid... I know that I would've been afraid too if I was in your position," Jennie frowns, cautiously resting a hand on Lisa's knee in comfort, "But you can't let your fear of Mica keep you from going home."

"I'm not afraid of him anymore," Lisa shakes her head, "He's locked away for good and I don't doubt that he'll stay there."

"Then what are you afraid of?"

Lisa looks up, Jennie sitting beside her and she can feel tears pooling in her eyes, "What if she moved on, Jennie? Or what if she's not okay? You said earlier that her Instagram and YouTube is down, what if there's a reason for that? Or what if she hates me for what I did? What if everybody hates me for what I did?"

"Lisa, you didn't do anything wrong," Jennie squeezes her knee, "You were shot by a lunatic that would have probably done it again if he knew you were alive. You protected yourself – nobody's going to blame you.

"Then why do I feel like I have so much to be blamed for?"

Jennie purses her lips and nods, staring down at her lap, "I really don't know. Maybe you feel guilty for going into witness protection for yourself rather than for the people you care about, but you shouldn't. Because I can tell you with absolute certainty that if you go back home now, nobody will hate you, Lisa. Nobody."

"You don't know that," Lisa mumbles, eyes cast downward.

Jennie doesn't respond, instead letting a heavy silence fall over the two of them. In the corner of her eye, she can see Lisa picking nervously at her fingernails. In the painful quiet, she can hear the dull ticking noise of her clock booming in her ears.