INSANE

Chapter 14 - I didn't mean to ( part II )

I don't know how I feel, or how I should feel. When you barely know a person but at the same time feel like you've known them all your life and get some strange feelings about that certain person, like you don't want them in your life. You feel like they don't belong there, but then still, even when they upset you, you just can't push them away. My dad always used to tell me to not surrender easy, to take care of myself and always keep my head up. No matter the situation. He used to talk to me for hours about this things, even if at the time, I couldn't understand a thing. Tell a five, almost six years old not to surrender no matter the situation, the kid will just look at you, smile, then go play with its toys like you haven't said a thing. Speaking of my dad, I just now realize that we spent so little time together, or maybe we did, I just don't remember.

Sometimes we forget to cherish the people in our life, and then, when they leave, it hurts. Then we start regretting not saying the things to them that we always wanted to say. We regret ever fighting with them, or arguing about silly things. As a child, I used to spend more time with my mom, basically every day, since she was always home. Dad didn't let her work. Why? Good question, because I have no clue either. Aunt Lora seems to never talk to me about them. However, no matter how much time I used to spend with my mother, playing outside in the garden, learning about flowers, go swimming every weekend, do homework, I now feel like I don't know her that well. I can't remember if I've ever seen her cry. One time though, she was very upset because dad came home late and missed my birthday. I used to not get upset about this things, because dad was almost always gone, with work, or whatever he was doing out there. He always used to come home late, miss dinner, birthday parties and even Christmas. They always used to fight late at night, I could hear them from my room. Little fights. He never hit mom, as far as I know. He was a calm person and never aggressive. Aunt Lora told me that my dad loved mom a lot, that she was his rock, every time he was down or angry, she was the only person that could keep him into place. That warms my heart ever time I think about it. Knowing that my parents loved each other. I am still not sure what my dad did for living, but we always had everything that we needed and even more. I never dared to ask Lora again about dad's job. Last time I did she got very angry, telling me that it was his problem and it should stay in the past. Then it made me think that maybe he did some bad stuff but then I also think that my mom must have known about them and not accept it. She was very strict with barely everything.

Dad and me had a special relationship. It's true, he was mostly gone, missing me growing up, but every time he came home, he made me feel like he never left. Sometimes he used to take me fishing. I remember that. He always had friends with him. Young fellas hanging around, help him with this and that.

Why am I thinking about all these things right now while Jason and I are in this situation?

Jason, stop..

I don't want you to think about it.

Jason seriously, stop, this is not ok

Ana don't

He is not listening to me and I do not feel comfortable anymore all of a sudden. I try to push him off but he is too strong.

Jason I mean it! Stop!

Finally pushing him off of me, his back being slammed against the wall, hard. The look on his face when he looked up to me. So angry. He must have not expected me to do that but all those thoughts about my parents made me feel so weak. I look back at him and he was walking slowly towards me, whispering something to himself, I can't make out what, but I can already tell that he wasn't pleased with my actions.

Jason, I'm sorry I I... I shouldn't have done that, I was just not thinking on the moment.

You weren't feeling comfortable with me there were you?

I wasn't but it's not because of you..

Yeah, sure, let me believe that. Damn I thought for a moment, damn..

No Jason it's not you it's just... my mind was somewhere else.

It's whatever.

Wait why am I explaining and apologizing to him? I shouldn't be, things were wrong anyway. God my mind is so messed up right now I can't even put two and two together.

He stopped 2 inches away from my face, looking straight into my eyes, for a a while, a second,  or maybe a minute. He didn't say anything, just kept looking. I wonder what is on his mind right now. He didn't even touch me for a split second or tried to move in any way. He just stood there. I was feeling a pressure somehow, knowing that he is mad, also not knowing what he might do next. He was breathing heavily, but after a while, he calmed down, that's when I did to. I swear one day I'm gonna get it from him, in a bad way... 

Take your shower, I won't bother you no more. I didn't mean to.

... and with that he walked out.