I don’t know how long I’ve been sitting in this same position for but I now that its been a long time my knees felt wobbly under me as I couldn’t stop shaking the blood from my head was trickling down my face but I didn’t whip it I just sat in the same spot staring at the dark wall in front of me I could hear them all laughing talking shouting down stairs I could hear Jermaine’s loud deep roar of a laugh as he song along to the lyrics with his boys I could feel the vibration on the floors from the music. He’d left me here by my self he’d had enough of me he said he couldn’t stand to look at me he said he hated me because I wasn’t the girl he once cared for he punched me hit me spat on me made me do things I really didn’t wont to but he never hit my belly he said he loved are baby and if it died because of this then it was my fault. Still I sat there still I let the blood flow down my face. The door knob turned and creaked opened I didn’t move just kept my blurred focus on the dark shadowed wall in front of me. the person lifted my trebling body off the floor and put me on there lap stroking my hair it wasn’t Jermaine I new that this person was skinnier and smelled like toffee I rested my head on the strangers shoulder as they soothed my head with there gently soft hands.
Waking up that next morning was the worst thing I could have done I felt sick almost as soon as I opened my eyes I jetted up and ran to the toilet emptying the watery content out of my mouth. I brushed my teeth and washed my self. stepping out the shower I watched the blood go down the drain there was a lot more then I had thought.
Jermaine: oh you awake now he stated as I walked into the kitchen I didn’t answer just popped toast into the toaster and then going into the front room he can go suck him self if he thinks in talking to him after yesterday fucking evil twat. I sat down next to his friend Lenny he looked down at me as he stretched and smiled he was just in his boxers and white socks his hair flat and chest out.
Lenny: you all right b I nodded looking at the TV not wonting to give him eye contact
Me: erm thanks for like you know yesterday I said remembering that sweet smell of his.
Lenny: no problem he said as he left the room. I heard my toast ping and got up to go get it. Jermaine was sitting texting his face all scrunched up looking at the screen he couldn’t even see the screen properly I don’t know why he don’t wear his glasses. He looked up at me and smiled a genuine smile I looked blankly at him and buttered my toast.
Jermaine: I erm got us book in for a antenatal class for next week Friday thought you’d like that he said looking at me I look up at him then back at my toast cutting it in half and biting into it. He jumped down from the counter and stood beside me wrapping his arms around me.
Jermaine: I had to do what I did yesterday Ezmia you went to fair I know it was fucked up but you gotta stop fucking things up for me I keep telling you I can sort things out but you don’t every listen to me! he kissed my cheek and spun me around to face him.
Jermaine: I love you he said looking into my eyes I tried to look away but his grey eyes kept my gaze. His over whelming beauty made by body shudder I knew I loved him too I couldn’t doubt that. A smile played on my lips trying to break free and show its self he kissed my lips softly making me smile.
Jermaine: how bout I drop you home you get dressed and we go ice skating like we us to huh? I nodded grabbing my toast and stuffing it into my mouth he walked off away from me and lenny came into the kitchen.
Lenny: I see you two made up then he smiled taking a piece of my toast
Me: yeah I guess we have I beamed knowing I had the old Jermaine back…..
5 months later
I was sat in Jermaine house up stairs listening to Jha’nella and Jermaine argue about riley’s death (there baby). I was shocked Jermaine hadn’t hit her yet the way she was screaming at him but I guess it was different when you’d just lost a baby. He was so weak the last time I saw him he hadn’t even grown he was just skinny and pale. The argument was getting more heated I had to intervene.
Me: look Jha’nella I think you should just go and come back when your more….
Jha’nella: shut the fuck up who the fuck are you to fucking tell me any thing who the fuck are you she asked getting up in my face I stepped back while Jermaine dragged her away from me.
Jha’nella: look at you Ezmia look at you! You look a like a fucking skett you know that a dirty skett who cant keep her legs crossed… you better check them babies are yours Jermaine ha I wouldn’t be surprised it they wasn’t she stated moving away from his grip.
He looked at me then away again before pushing Jha’nella out the door and slamming It in her face.
Me: Jermaine you don’t…..
Jermaine: shut up! He stormed up stairs and slammed the bed room door behind him I sighed not knowing what I did.
Hour later
Jermaine had been in his room for a long time now I tried calling him but he just wouldn’t come down. I climbed up the stairs feeling tired and knocked on the bed room door.
Me: Jermaine are you ok….there was no answer I turned the knob of the door and let my self in to side Jermaine cutting his thighs with a razor crying.
Me: FUCKING HELL! I ran over to him and dragged it out his blooded hands and throwing it out the window.
Me: whats wrong with you why are you doing this?! I dragged the tissue off the table and pressed it up against his deep cuts. He was shaking next to me his grey eyes now black I looked at his thighs and noticed other old cuts on there it was weird how I’d only realised now that he had them. I took his shaking body into my arms and rocked him like a baby gently back and forth. I didn’t realise just how losing his child had affected him he was lost he wasn’t the same Jermaine any more.
what do you think then so far?
