Retribution ★ Avengers

Too Much Thinking

Sleep was one of the many things that hadn't been the same since Bucky returned to the land of the living. This had little to do with Thanos's snap, however, and everything to do with the fact that his wife was not his wife anymore, but instead was with his best friend.

As Bucky tossed and turned through the night, he was haunted by the memories of what used to be, the woman that was once his wife. Now, she was different—still Marlena, but not clumsy, innocent Marlena like the one he'd met in the museum all those years before. Time treated her cruelly, she'd said far too many goodbyes and he feared that would always be her life now.

However, in such a short period of time, she'd been reunited with her children, her brother, her mother, and now her father—the people who would always remain the most important to her. Bucky used to feel like he, too, fell into this category, but now he was unsure. He knew Marlena said she loved him and always would, but as he lay staring up at the ceiling, his eyes glazed over, he couldn't help but feel angry. He felt a great torment inside. If it weren't for his children, and he hated to think this, he felt as if maybe being brought back was simply a mistake.

He shut his eyes, and there she stood. Marlena Claire—soon to be Marlena Barnes. Her wedding dress was beautiful and elegant, just like her. Her fair skin seemed to sparkle under the sunlight pouring in through the church windows. The smile on her face spread like honey on bread, sweet and smooth. His heart ached and his stomach twisted. God, he loved this girl.

His knees were ready to buckle at the altar, but the look in her eyes was what kept him standing. With every step she took down that church aisle, he was sure his heart would come right out of his chest. But it didn't. Everything was blurry through his tear-filled eyes, but as soon as he felt her hand take his, he knew in that moment that he was not in the church with everyone watching them. With her he was simply home.

Bucky opened his eyes again. Now Marlena was gone, and he was met with nothing but the soft glow from the light post outside his bedroom window. If only it was as easy as imagining. If only he could close his eyes and actually be taken back in time to that very moment. Even if it lead to the same fate it already had, he would relive it all over again just to have her be his for a second longer. It was in that moment that Bucky realized, Marlena could tell him she loved him—she could say she always would—but he would never be the one to hold her again. Not in the way he once had. He could no longer go to sleep at night with the comfort of knowing he was the center of her world. He wasn't even close.

Marlena had lost a lot of people in life, but now, so suddenly, many of them had been brought back and he was still alone. All Bucky truly had left of her were Charlie and Jay, and though they were the most precious people in the world to him, they were also a painful reminder of the life that was stolen from him when Thanos pressed his fingers together. He felt so small in the world knowing that the happiness he'd been chasing for years had been ripped away from him with the snap of a stranger's fingers.

Bucky turned on his side, his eyes now resting on the bedroom door. He thought about how Marlena would not be the one coming through it anymore. He thought about how even the home where Marlena and he used to live together was also merely a memory. He was left with nothing, and this thought was agonizing.

Bucky choked back tears. A lot had happened since he'd returned, and he hadn't had much time to think everything through, let alone enough time to allow the new reality of his life to settle in. He wanted to be so happy for Marlena—for the life she was living. He knew that if he hadn't been brought into the picture just as she was beginning to figure her life out, this would have happened for her a lot sooner. She would have become this incredibly intelligent and successful woman without all the powers, complications, and goodbyes. But even this thought was not something he wished had happened, because the person she would have ended up with would not have been Steve. And though it broke his heart to see Steve and Marlena together, he at least knew and trusted with all his being that Steve was good for her.