fragile | jelix

chapter 24

as you can imagine, the events that had unfolded at jack's house the night before had stayed in my mind whilst i was there, when i left, when i went to sleep, when i was at school the next day, when i went home, and of course, i was still thinking about it when i was sat in jack's room the day after. could you blame me? somebody so funny, beautiful, pure, kind, brave and pretty had kissed me, a stick thin lonely guy from sweden. he could have waited to kiss somebody much more attractive, smart and hilarious but no, he decided to have his first kiss with me.

that day as i sat in the wooden chair i always sat in, i noticed that jack was in a much better mood than usual, a really happy mood. incredibly happy. 

"you're cheery." i commented, smiling at him. he smiled back.

"i'm just having a good day." jack hadn't mentioned the kiss or anything that had happened the day before, which was making me a little bit nervous. it gave me the impression that he was embarrassed, or he didn't like it, or he regretted doing it. all options gave me anxiety. i didn't say anything either though. i felt too awkward and scared, so maybe that's why he wasn't bringing it up.

"i want to go to school." jack suddenly declared. i couldn't stop myself from letting out a laugh and shaking my head at him. he gave me a confused look and his smile disappeared. 

"you don't, you really don't. trust me. you shouldn't ever go to school." i replied, thinking about how horrible my school was and the hell that lingered there.

"i'd rather go to school than be stuck in the same room, in the same house, 24/7. wouldn't you?" i took his opinion into account and realised how insensitive my reaction was to his statement. if he didn't regret kissing me before, he probably did after i said that.

"yeah...i guess i would." for whatever reason, my dumb ass self didn't even think to say sorry to him. smooth.

"i don't think you understand how difficult it is. all i want to do is go outside and do things that normal teenagers do, like get an actual education, go see a movie, hang out with friends. but i can't do that. instead i'm trapped in here, looking at the same four walls every day. i'm lucky if i get to go down to the kitchen or the living room at this point. going downstairs is like going on holiday." he stopped talking and looked down at his bed sheets. he was right. i didn't understand the true extent of how hard it was for him, and i knew i'd never be able to unless i somehow found myself in his position. he probably felt so alone and isolated, and thinking about that actually made me realise that despite me only having one true friend, i wasn't really that lonely.

"maybe some day you will." 

"i will what?" jack asked, with a puzzled expression on his face.

"do things that normal teenagers do. you know, have a life. never say never."

"you just said it twice, in the exact same sentence." i sighed.

"it's just an expression." jack smirked and looked up at me.

"i know."