The Pastor's Daughter [BLACKPINK ROSÉ x FemReader]

CHAPTER 18: Old Habits

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TW: Self-harm, depression, anxiety.
Please consider these factors before reading ahead in this chapter as it will focus mainly on these topics. For those that wish not to read, a brief summary will be provided at the beginning of the following chapter.
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"How're you doing?" You nod silently, attempting to convey that you're doing better than you were last week when you kicked your father out of your home. It's a Friday night, both you and Chaeyoung opted to spend the night at yours and watch a movie since you'd both be spending some time with the girls the following day. The things he said to you that night still ring through your mind like a fresh wound. Speaking of which— "It looks much better now. Does it still hurt a little?" You nod again in silence. The contact your father's hand made with your cheek left quite a mark and the sting turned into a slight bruise, especially where his ring had been; he'd never been gentle when it came to disciplining you, so you're surprised the bruise isn't a deeper shade of purple. I suppose all those years of torment toughened up my body. Though it looks like it's gone now, it still hurts a pinch whenever there is sudden contact.

Chaeyoung sighs softly into the still atmosphere, brushing her thumb over the faint mark that lingers and presses a gentle kiss to your opposing temple simultaneously. You've been noticeably quieter since the incident, for good reason. No one has a way of actually knowing what's going on in your head. Having a history of anxiety and depression that stemmed from your father's mistreatment of you, that incident had brought it all back; it became too real, too overwhelming. You resort back to the way you coped back when you were younger – shutting people out.

"Rosie, I don't really feel like watching the movie anymore. I think I'll go to bed first." Not waiting for an answer like you usually would, you move out from underneath your girlfriend's hold on you and start wandering off to your ensuite bathroom to get ready for bed. Staring off at you worriedly, Chaeyoung debates whether or not she should go after you. Ultimately deciding that it might be better to give you space now before she holds you close while you both slept, she sinks down into your couch and hugs her knees to her chest in thought, the film playing becoming nothing more than static, background noise to her rushing mind.

You stare blankly at your reflection in the mirror. Your face looks... lifeless in a way. Your toothbrush hangs out of your mouth as your hand loses grip on it, making way down to your opposing arm, brushing over some old scars that remained untouched and unthought-of for four years. Suddenly remembering a razorblade you have buried deep in one of the drawers in here, you quickly spit and rinse your mouth in a hurry. Your hand hovers over the drawer briefly upon opening it before reaching into the hiding spot you had the blade tucked away in. Slowly pulling it out of its' thin packaging, you can still see some of the old, dried-up blood stains from the time you had last used it. The thought crossing your mind again, remembering how it used to distract you from dangerous, mind-crippling thoughts about yourself. You know better... You do. This is not the way to go about this. A deadpan look at your reflection in the mirror with the blade in your hand, you stare right back at it, as if the mirror is a portal to your past self. Come on, Y/N. You sigh and walk out of the bathroom, away from the mirror, blade still in hand, being slid into your pocket.

That night as you laid in bed, Chaeyoung kept a firm hold on you, hoping you feel comfort, safety, and all of her love. She held you to her like both your lives depended on it, because she loves you so much. The love you felt you were robbed of as you grew up was suddenly being given to you overflowingly, but at that current state you're in, you couldn't seem to see that no matter how hard Chaeyoung had been trying since the visit.

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"Come on up!" You say to Jisoo as you buzz her into your building. Another week has passed now and you seem to be handling everything much better than you were before. It almost seemed... unreal. Like a switch inside you suddenly flipped and you reverted back to your bubbly self. As Jisoo opens up the door to your apartment, Chaeyoung comes out from your room, dressed up and looking adorable for her day out with the other two girls. She walks up to you and tucks a strand of hair behind your ear as you chuckle softly at her actions. Leaning in, you both share a sweet, love-filled kiss before she moves to give Jisoo a quick hug to say hello. "When will you be back with the girls?"