His Safety Net

Chapter 18

Chapter 18

       I was really hoping that today of all days would be just another day where I felt fine, where I felt happy like I had been the past few days. However, as soon as I woke up late in the afternoon, I knew today wasn't going to be a good day.

       I just felt completely empty. Like I was supposed to feel something, anything, but I was feeling nothing. Not even any negative emotions. I was just... empty.

       After waking up like this, I just wanted to stay in bed all day but I couldn't. My grandparents were going to come over for a visit, and my family hasn't seen them for a while despite them living in the same city as us. 

       Busy schedules and all that.

       I forced myself to sit up, rubbing my eyes. I took my phone off of the nightstand, immediately seeing a good morning text from Jerome. He knew on the days I didn't have school, I slept in until at least one, but he would still send a good morning text.

       They normally made me smile. This time? Not so much. I couldn't smile, I couldn't even feel the slightest bit happy.

       It took some time for me to pull myself out of bed and when I did, I went to the washroom to splash some water on my face, hoping to wake up a bit more. It didn't really help.

       I reached for the towel hanging on the rack and patted my face dry. As I was doing so, I caught sight of my bandages and once I did, the urges started coming back. All because I looked at my bandages.

       I hated how sudden these urges were. Sometimes, it came just because I looked at my bandages and was reminded of why I started doing it. Other times, it came with no reasoning, no push.

       The urge wasn't going away at all but thankfully, I was able to force myself to leave the bathroom. Though I immediately went back to my bedroom where I knew I had something sharp enough.

       I started searching through my room for something, anything, but I must have been making too much noise because someone knocked on my door and my mom's voice soon followed. "Nolan, is everything okay?"

       "Y-yeah," I said. "Everything's fine."

       Normally my family asks before they come into my room but this time, Mom decided to open the door without asking. She could probably sense that something was wrong and didn't want me to push her away right now.

       I  was digging through the drawer of one of my nightstands when Mom came into my room. "What are you looking for?" she asked.

       "N-nothing," I said, closing the drawer and sitting down on my bed.

       "Nolan..."

       She probably already knew.

       I sighed, placing my face in my hands. "Sorry. I'm sorry. I just..." I removed my hands from my face. "I feel like crap and I just wanted it to go away. I can't help it."

       Mom walked over and sat down beside me on the bed. "I know. And I know it's hard for you but when you feel these urges, you really need to talk to someone. Me, your father, one of your siblings, Jerome. We can't help you if you shut us out."

       "I know," I said quietly, looking down at my wrists. All I wanted was to tell someone when the urges came but I never had the guts to do it. It especially didn't help that I felt like a burden to everyone each time it was brought up.

       I felt like my family had better things to do than to have to constantly take care of me.

       "Do you want to help me make dinner?" Mom asked. "I know you used to love to help me cook, and it will give you something to do."